Quality time with your own children. Do you manage to get it?

(45 Posts)
needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 12:26:31

I recently returned back to work after maternity leave, and I am really struggling with not seeing DS1 and 2 all week, but I suppose it's all about adjusting really.

I work Monday to Friday 9-5 and have weekends off. That's great, I can spend quality time with them at the weekend and in the evenings, but my attention is going to divided between them and DSD and it's making me really really fed up sad

I've been so used to being able to spend loads of bonding time with my boys and now it feels like most of the time DSD is going to be here too and I Have jump in to SM mode when is like to concentrate on being a mum.

Whereisegg Sun 03-Nov-13 22:06:29

Redhen is much better than me at this!

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 21:58:00

Fair enough smile
If your dp is around at weekends then I'm sure you can arrange to do things together and separately to keep everyone happy.
I do get how it feels - the feeling of not seeing enough of your children. I'm a bit torn between my eldest and youngest and working f/t as my eldest teen is in a psych unit and I'm off visiting her a lot, parenting is all about guilt eh?confused
Maybe going back to f/t work has thrown you more than anything, I hate going back to work after time off as I like time with my little ones too.
I'm sure it will all settle down. thanks

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 21:50:55

Moxie Every family is different I suppose. I just know that I wouldn't like to be in a blended family where I saw my partner's children more than my own. That is no disrespect to you or your family, but it just wouldn't be my cup of tea.

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 21:46:21

Luckily my dp doesn't feel the same as my children are here all the time, his half the time and I work f/t while he is at home!
His dd annoys me sometimes, my kids annoy him (and our joint children!) but it's family life.

Petal02 Sun 03-Nov-13 21:44:44

Excellent post Redhen.

theredhen Sun 03-Nov-13 21:42:43

A lone mother with several children won't always get one to one time with her children but the fundamental difference is that they are ALL her children.

A step situation is different. It's perfectly normal and natural to not want to share every minute you have with your children with your step children. I would also say its unhealthy for all the children to try and do so.

YesterdayI Sun 03-Nov-13 21:41:39

Might DS1 and DS2 think it strange if their sister (sorry I don't know if this is the right word to use) isn't included in their trips?

I would have thought with two younger boys and an older girl that there would be plenty of time for seperate time with the DCs especially if there is a biggish age gap.

Also do you think that having your DSD around will prevent you from having bonding time with your boys. I can't see how having another child about would prevent you from being affectionate and having fun with your boys.

Petal02 Sun 03-Nov-13 21:33:50

But even if the OP didn't want her step child around such a lot, I think a lot of us can empathise with that. It somehow seems acceptable for a bio mum to happily despatch a child every weekend, but if the recipient step mum isn't quite so keen on the arrangement, she gets flamed!

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 21:21:44

Sorry moxie Should have added that point re my DP earlier on!

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 21:17:52

Xpost re dp spending time.

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 21:16:59

So when does her dp get to spend time on his own with the boys?
A lone parent of several children doesn't necessarily get to spend time individually with her children. Quality time doesn't have to mean without the others. They are a family.

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 21:15:50

Snow mummy I never meant that I didn't want her to be here. As whereiseggs said, it's all about ensuring that the relationship with my own children doesn't suffer now I've gone back to work. Certain relationships you need to prioritise at times, such as this, where its hard enough just leaving them never mind then having to divide my attention and having no quality time with them whatsoever.

DSD always had that time with her mum when she was very little, and I think my children deserve the same. There's absolutely nothing wrong with DSD being here, as she can spend some quality time with her dad (the boys get to see him all week as he's unfortunately unemployed at the moment just to add) so its their chance to spend time together too whilst I see the boys on my own. That's as we'll as family time with us all together.

theredhen Sun 03-Nov-13 21:14:27

Dsd is part of the family but she's not the op's child.

Op needs to spend time with her children on her own. Her kids need it. Just like dsd needs time with her dad (or mum) without step siblings around.

It's very difficult to achieve in op's situation but its not impossible. There could possibly be issues regarding jealousy etc. but that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.

There are some things that aren't for the eyes and ears of children and the op's post is one of those things, like discussing finances or your sex life or something else that is for adult ears only. That doesn't make it wrong to talk about.

Whereisegg Sun 03-Nov-13 21:08:17

It sounds like a mum in turmoil to me.

Are you saying that step parents shouldn't spend time with their own children without dsc then?

What about the other side of that when the children are older? I would hate for my dc to feel they never got me to themselves (both seperately and as a pair) because I never went anywhere without dss.
I would equally hate for dss to feel I never did anything with him because I disappeared with my dc for the whole weekend.

So I don't do either of those things.
I balance, and it's hard. It is just so hard.

Op can have a great relationship with her dsd without spending every second of her visits with her.

snowmummy Sun 03-Nov-13 21:01:49

But now I am restricted to weekends to do all of that and that is when DSD is here, and I really want to be able to spend time with the boys on my own. I need that time with them.

I've been so used to being able to spend loads of bonding time with my boys and now it feels like most of the time DSD is going to be here too and I Have jump in to SM mode when is like to concentrate on being a mum.

These 2 quotes in particular would make me feel awful is I was dsd. I don't see how you don't see that.

Whereisegg Sun 03-Nov-13 20:56:23

I am reading the same posts as you, but not getting from them what you are.

snowmummy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:54:19

I have read the comments that are most definitely there and quoted above. If you were dsd and you read them how would you fee?

Dsd is part of this family. No one should get priority, they are all equal.

Whereisegg Sun 03-Nov-13 20:50:59

But essentially it is no different to asking how you can spend time alone with one child at a time.

If you work full time why wouldn't you want to prioritise time with your dc?

There was no saying dsd is no longer welcome, or could her visits be reduced.

You seem to have read between lines that aren't even there!

Bonsoir Sun 03-Nov-13 20:40:14

My DSS2 lives with us FT, as did DSS1 until he went to university in September. I didn't always think it ought to be left to me to organize them but ultimately, if you do, you get more time to do what you want IYSWIM.

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 20:38:30

You're all one family now, it does take adjustment but in the same way parents of large families don't always get much individual time with each child, blended families don't either. We have 5 children between us - it's taken a few years to get used to the dynamics.

snowmummy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:35:26

whereis I never said it wasn't fucking hard. Being a parent is fucking hard. The op, like it or not, is part of a split family. The parts of her posts that made me think she would rather spend time with her birth dc rather than her dsd, are in quotes in my post above.

I wonder whether she'd be happy for dsd to read them, because, if I was dsd I know how those comments would make me feel.

HTH

Bonsoir Sun 03-Nov-13 20:35:11

If your DSD is going to be spending most of her weekends at your house, maybe now is an appropriate time to get proactively involved in cultivating some of her school friendships? Does she have a best friend she would like to invite over for a sleepover?

Whereisegg Sun 03-Nov-13 20:34:53

no problem smile

Sorry to have a bit of a rant but I really felt that was unwarranted.

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 20:29:31

Thankyou whereisegg

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 20:27:46

She's friends with the girl next door who is around the same age as her, so she'll happily play with her for a bit. As for play dates, I don't know any of her friends or their parents and neither does DP, so anything like that is really her mum's thing to sort out as she's friends with the mums at school etc..

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now