I think my marriage is over :'(

(75 Posts)
B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 07:58:27

Hi all, this is my first post here and I'm afraid it will be a long one.

I'm desperate! I feel so unhappy but
I'm afraid I'll be ruining our lives if I leave. I'll fill you in.

I am 29 SAHM to DS 1yr. He is my world! I have been married to DH for 2 years. He has kids from previous marriages, SS15 from first marriage, SS9 from second marriage and he has SD15, 2nd wife's DD from previous relationship. SS15 has been living with us full time since June. He is troubled, self harming, depressed, food issues, mood swings.

SS9 and SD15 come and stay every other weekend, Friday night til Sunday night. It used to be every weekend but we made a change because I couldn't cope. Problem is I still can't cope. There have always been 'issues', but until I fell pregnant I always just put up and shut up because back then DH was my world and I wanted him to be happy. Some of these issues include soiling the toilet (and seat too often!) and just leaving it, no hand washing, nits, dirty sanitary wear hidden in wardrobes/drawers/beds, no table manners, the list goes on... All trivial things I guess but put them together and over time they are HUGE issues. DH says I'm just OCD but I don't think wanting a safe, clean hygienic environment for my son to toddle around in is being OCD, I feel it's our basic right to be comfortable in our home at all times. SS9 is very touchy feely with his dad and it makes me uncomfortable. Constant skin touching and stroking and hand holding and lying on him... Maybe that's just me. I feel that SS9 has been babied for far too long- doesn't dress himself, bath himself, cut up his own food, eat with mouth closed... I can't bear it. I find him so overwhelmingly irritating that I have to leave the room when he's around. I know it's not his fault and I feel so guilty but it's starting to feel like hatred. He can do no wrong and if I try and 'parent' him I'm being a bully according to DH and it's 'just because I don't like him'.

SS15 living with us full time is hard. DH works long hours so it's me that he comes home to, spends evenings with until dad gets home around 8pm. I have to clean up after him, try and keep a routine for my DS1 while he pretty much does what he wants. When he recently moved in we were already having relationship problems because of my inability to be a decent stepmum. SS15 was living with his now ex stepmum because he could be close to his brother and sister and his bio mum has mental health issues. When he moved in the ex stepmum was very supportive and along with DH I was told "he'll be with you more than anyone, your house, your rules!". I never really felt I had the choice about him moving in because he asked DH and he replied "it's fine with me but I need to ask B00t5"- how could I have possibly have said no?! I thought that out of order and felt he should have said we'll talk about it and sit down with you to discuss.

Anyway. I don't deny that SS15 has some issues, he is going for counselling regularly... BUT I see a lot of attention seeking going on. He has convenient 'sad' attacks where he sits with his head in his hands and won't speak. These conveniently happen when he's in a lesson he doesn't like (teachers are contacting us regularly!), if he doesn't like what's for dinner, if the internet is down, if we have asked him to do or listen to something that isn't his choice... If he knows DH is due home from work he suddenly stops being 'normal' (playing with DS1 or xbox!) and lays face down on floor or switches off bedroom lights and hides under duvet so when DH gets home he is worried about him and treats him to a long drive/mcDs/amazon voucher etc to cheer him up. I have tried explaining to DH that I feel there is some emotional blackmail going on but he says I don't understand and dismisses me.

Things blew up this week when we went to the ex wife's house in the evening for SS9's bday. DH called with a 15 min warning on way home from work "make sure everyone's ready please!" So I let SS15 know to be ready (he was on Xbox). He replies "*tut*how long will we be?" "As long as it takes, it's your brother's birthday". Hardly my fave way to spend time but it's important! Anyway, we get there and we do presents, SS15 sits with head on table after 5 minutes, nobody says anything so I ask him to sit up and make an effort. DH takes SS9 up to his room to install new tv. SS15 hasn't move so again I ask him to make an effort. He replies I'm tired. To which I say "if you're that tired, no internet or Xbox when you get in. You obviously just need to sleep". He scowls at me and then says he doesn't feel well. I tell him it's a little but conveniently times considering we are interrupting his time on the internet. He strops off to the living room.

This is the first time I have spoken up and treated him the way I would my own DS. I'm quite strict with him and will continue to be for his own good! I'm a parent not a friend.

Anyway, DH comes downstairs and asks where he is. I tell him exactly what I've said and he goes running in to cuddle him and wipe away the crocodile tears. SS9 is now upset because his brother is sad and now the whole occasion is about SS15. We leave without speaking, awkward drive home. We walk through the door and SS15 announces dramatically "I have to do something!" And runs to his room which means he wants us to know he's cutting his arms. I put DS1 to bed and come downstairs to find DH raging. To sum up, he feels I'm responsible for SS15 cutting himself because I upset him. I should be understanding. Things for heated, I walked out when he announced 'I can only deal with one fucking thing at a time'. I walked around in the dark for hours before I could face coming home.

So... I'm stuck in a house with a teen I cannot parent. My DS1 is seeing this behaviour and I'm just so thankful that he is so young because I do not want him thinking this is ok. I'm living in a house where it's my rules for my son and no rules for his. Dreading every weekend when the kids come to stay. I actually feel physically sick and I have a bowel disease which is aggravated by stress, the past year has been SO hard. I have mentioned to DH that I am thinking of moving out, to which he replies thanks, another marriage over another child I can't live with an I feel so so guilty.

I just don't know how to be happy. I love my husband, I would miss him terribly but I'm at the stage now where I feel like I would be a batter mother if I lived alone with my son. I could be happier and healthier, even if financially we would struggle.

I just feel like such a horrible person. I would give anything to be able to switch of to it all and just keep going. DH says the only reason I can't cope is because I'm depressed and need medication and counselling. I feel it's due to these problems mentioned rather than a chemical imbalance so resent taking more medication!

I'm stuck. I don't know what to do for the best. He wants me to ride it out but SS9.. That's a log time to wish your life away.

Can anyone relate? What did/would you do? Am I overreacting?

Please don't be too harsh, I KNOW I married a man with kids but I genuinely believed I could cope then- I didn't have a child of my own!! Things have changed so much.

Bluecarrot Sun 27-Oct-13 08:06:16

You were a brave person to attempt to take all that on!

I can't relate to your situation but my first thought was run! Though perhaps, if the rest if the family is agreeable, some sort if family therapy is definitely appropriate. Would likely need to extend to all the exs too.

Bonsoir Sun 27-Oct-13 08:06:42

There is absolutely nothing you can do to help this multiply dysfunctional family. If you cannot bear it, leave it.

B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:09:09

Thank you- although I don't feel brave!! I feel put upon. But I guess that's part of the problem.

We've talked about therapy. DH thinks I need it but it seems pointless unless it's for both/all of us.

I have felt the 'run' instinct SO MUCH... Sometimes I do, I take the baby as far as I can walk just to feel free. Your comment made me smile so thank you smile

chicaguapa Sun 27-Oct-13 08:11:29

What a sad story! Why do you want to stay? Is it for your DS?

Your DH's inability to face up to his DC's problems and deal with them effectively is damaging his marriages. Is this why his second marriage broke down? He can feel sorry for himself all he likes, but he's got to face it.

You also have to consider what effect this is all having on your DS and what behaviour he will learn is acceptable. Is that the environment you want him to grow up in?

Kaye1234 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:14:48

You have took a hell of a lot on and I think anyone reading your
Post would sympathise. You need time for yourself and time to be a mum to your little one. You know what u need to do yourself as I bet it's already going around your head a plan of action. I don't think dh is on your side tbh, why should he b when he has full time free care for his kids

B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:18:32

Thank you. I'm in tears reading your responses because it's just such a relief to hear something other than 'it's you'.

I want to stay so my son lives with his dad. I don't want to be a single parent- but if I'm honest I already feel like one. I don't want a failed marriage. I do love my husband... But things are so different now. I have new priorities. I want to stay so I don't have the burden of guilt for taking a mans baby away from him. I'm scared of how I would cope financially too if I'm honest

Kaye1234 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:21:04

Does your husband feel guilty about all the pressure u are under. What practical help is he.

I cannot see the situation ever improving as long as your dh thinks that you are the problem (and need medication and therapy).

He's laying on the guilt, it's massively unfair. I can understand your instinct to run.

HappyAsASandboy Sun 27-Oct-13 08:27:37

I would consider showing him this thread, and any responses you get. You have set everything out very factually, not ranted, and show that you really have tried but need things to change.

With regard to therapy, to agree with you that it needs to be a couple/family thing. It is not you who needs help, it is the whole family. Also, please don't let your husband bale you feel guilty with his 'thanks, another failed marriage' routine - a more reasonable man might realise that is him who is the common denominator in all those marriages.

If I were in your shoes, it would be family therapy, with your oldest step son's full commitment, or out. There wouldn't be any other options for me.

Thewalkingdeadkr Sun 27-Oct-13 08:29:40

Gosh! They are a very damaged family aren't they?
I agree you should leave. It wouldn't be too bad if your dh allowed you to parent them.
The way you feel about the 9 yr old is unfair and very sad but that's not a criticism, rather another reason to leave.
Could you move out with ds but still see dh?

B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:30:33

On the weekends when the skids are here he gets up with baby for me (well, I play in his room with him until 8, he takes over then) and at about 11 I get up and try and brave going downstairs. If I can I just take baby out somewhere.

Occasionally he'll offer to feed him dinner or get him dressed... But he doesn't know where bottles, beakers, clothes nappies etc are kept. I lay it all out like I would for a babysitter.

In just over a year I can only recall DH doing about 3 night feeds when I've been too ill to cope. I've been in and out of A&E in the last few months. Starting new meds in 2 weeks so fingers crossed!

Thewalkingdeadkr Sun 27-Oct-13 08:31:17

Do some research about your financial situation, find out what your entitled to, then you can make an informed decision.

It's so difficult, my situation is a million times easier than yours but I still struggle at times. Personally I think you have to be in agreement over parenting/rules etc. It's very sad that you dh's response is great another divorce and child I won't live with rather than I'm sorry you feel so terrible that you want to leave let's work on this and try and make it better.

If you've tried talking to him about how you feel and he is not willing to consider you're feelings or thoughts on parenting then I can't see how it will change. Dh and I have always been together on discipline but as dss is getting older (12) dh is being softer I assume because he's aware that him coming to us is becoming more and more choice. I am quite strict with him and my own two and don't feel I treat them differently. Some things I let go because it's not worth fighting with dh over everything but others I won't. Weve had many conversations and thing are improving, he sees my side more and sees that he's gone back on our agreement years ago on always beig united in from of the children and discussing it later.

It's very difficult feeling that your thoughts and opinions are totally disregarded and I totally agree with you that waiting it out for 9 years would be a terrible idea. Your ds will pick things up and that's one of my problems too, you need to decide what's best for you and your ds and if dh isn't willing to make any changes at all then get out. You are not selfish or horrible just someone who wants to be respected and loved in their own home.

lunar1 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:32:05

You are not to blame for any of this, you don't need therapy. Your dh and family do, they sound like they all need intensive family therapy.

He will parent your ds the same way he parents his children, unless that's what you want for them I don't think you should have any guilt in running for the hills.

jerryfudd Sun 27-Oct-13 08:34:06

I don't have any experience but felt so sorry for you reading that. You seem really put upon and I'm not sure why you feel the need to continue putting up with it so your son stays in the same house - the way your husband "parents" (or lack of) the others would make me want to get my son as far away as possible to be frank. I think for your own health alone you need to seriously consider your future and that of your son if he continues to be raised around these other kids that are not disaplined at all

killpeppa Sun 27-Oct-13 08:35:32

make yourself and your DS happy!

don't stay anywhere that you are miserable & doubting yourself.
must be hard having such an old SS especially as he sounds like a right brat.

B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:36:28

My relationship with SS9 used to be very different. We were very close and often I would have the children while DH was away, out with friends etc on the odd occasion.

These days the thought of being home alone with them fills me with panic. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way, I know it's not their fault.

DH just doesn't seem to take responsibility for any of it. He blames ex wife for skids' behaviour. When I mentioned the touchy feely thing bothered me he said "it's xp's fault she babies him" but not once has he said that's inappropriate to his son.

We talked of still seeing each other but I don't think it would e long until he found someone else anyway. He's not good at being alone

I think this will only work if your dh accepts that things need to change I couldn't live in a house with children that I could not parent and I'd be out the door if that happened which dp knows but then he has the same rights if my ds needs parenting be that for something good or bad. you sound like you are trying to keep all plates spinning but you can only do so much I think a discussion with dh about what needs to happen from both sides or I'd be out. sorry to say that but like you have said some things might seem small but they have a big impact on everything else especially the way you feel. I hate to pull the it's my house and you will damn well do as I say but I do when it is needed. even with little things like the bringing down washing, tidying up rubbish you leave behind ext. I do think it is easier when they are younger though I'm sorry things are so hard your ds deserves to grow up in a happy home wishing you well.

sorry I crossposted epicly there without about 7 posts blush blush

invicta Sun 27-Oct-13 08:40:25

You and Dh need a long hard talk if you want to stay in the marriage. I think you need to lay down the ground rules and and then have a family meeting to discuss with all the children. Having a 9 year old not dress himself is disgraceful - a 4 year old can do this! The teens need to,understand your house, your rules, and your husband needs to support you, not undermine you.

However, in circumstances, and for your sanity and health, I think it would be perfectly understandable to walk.you have your child and health to consider.

B00t5 Sun 27-Oct-13 08:41:55

The thing is they're not 'bad kids'. They're actually nice little people, funny, smart, don't answer back but it's the little things that slip which leave me nagging and away we to again, round an round in a never ending circle.

It's makes me feel worse because I could have horrible brat skids, that's what makes me feel maybe it IS me and my issues. But even if they ARE my issues, that's should e acceptable in MY own home.

It doesn't feel like home when they are here.

ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER Sun 27-Oct-13 08:42:20

<<hug>>

Your DH is the problem, not you. It is not your fault that he will end up not living with another of his children.

You need to leave - this is no life, not for you and not for your son.

I feel very very sorry for his older children, but the only one you can actually help in this situation is your own son.

Your DH is just going to keep finding women to 'take up the slack' and 'blame' sad

You will cope financially. He will have to pay CSA and you will get benefits - millions of women cope, you will too and you and your DS will be able to be happy.

For your DS, it would be better to do it now while he's so little than later on when he realises what's happening.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sun 27-Oct-13 08:44:34

Wow that sounds like a nightmare, and your husbands comments about "another failed marriage, another child i cant live with" sounds like emotional blackmail.

Honestly, for the sake of your health, both physical and mental, just go. You're not happy and you dont have to stay, if you want to leave just go

I don't think they sound like horrible kids but they need everyone on board to know that the rules of each house stick otherwise it won't work and it's not fair that you should be the one doing the nagging and getting the bad moods. everyone has their little things in their own home that they should be able to say this is how we do it. I don't like people milling about in pjs not getting washed or dressed so usually by early morning unless someone is Ill I will insist they get get ready for the day even if we aren't going anywhere it is just something I do you shouldn't feel as if you have no control over what people in your home are doing

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