Good relations between bm and sm?

(11 Posts)
Ghirly Sun 20-Oct-13 17:16:16

I read this board as I'm a bm but my DS has a step mum.
I know it's a great place for step parents to vent as they don't have many other places to do so. I am shocked, however, at the amount of disharmony that goes on between BMs and SMs.

In my situation I get on well with my sons sm, she has a child with my ex who is my sons sibling so automatically became part of my family. I also consider the sm part of my family too and they all get invites to my family gatherings - even parties for my 2 yr old who technically has nothing to do with sm.

I am extremely grateful for sm for taking my son under her wing and into her family and I have expressed my gratitude many times to her. She in return tells me she loves my son and treats him as her own, which I know she does.

It makes me sad to think a lot of children are stuck in the middle of a lot of animosity. I know I am extremely lucky though. I am not a step mum but I am aware how difficult it must be, that is why I'm very grateful to the sm for not making things harder

Am I in the minority with the good relationship I have with sm? Would be nice to hear some positive stories.

UC Sun 20-Oct-13 21:55:35

I have a good relationship with my DSS's mum. Unlike many on this board, I very rarely feel she is trying to control/influence my life. We speak and communicate well.

I am also a mum, and my DSs have a step mum. We also speak and communicate, and I never try to tell my ex or her what they can/cannot do. My kids love her and that's what matters. We are also all flexible when we can be about swapping time/helping eachother out.

I often think it's so sad that people don't put their personal feelings aside. My DSs' SM was the OW in my marriage, but frankly that is totally irrelevant to my DCs' relationship with her. And even though she was involved in our break up, I actually rather like her.

I think the thing is these boards are often used for people to let off steam, so posters are looking for help with a situation they are finding hard. I had never posted on here about a problem with either DP's experience, or my DCs' SM, as there has never been an issue.

purpleroses Sun 20-Oct-13 22:35:01

Your DC are very lucky to have a mother who's so good about them having a SM in their lives. And the SM is lucky to be appreciated smile

I am both a mum and a SM but have no relationship with either my DC's SM or with my DSC's mum. No animosity or tension really on either side - so could be a lot worse. But neither of the really speak to me except the bare amount necessary. Fortunately the men involved are a bit better - my ex and I get on fine, and my DSC's mum's new partner is very friendly. But both the DSM and the DM avoid eye contact, don't ever say anything friendly, etc. My DC's DSM doesn't really see herself as a stepmother. They are % my ex's responsibility and nothing to do with her sad Does make me rather envious of situations such as yours.

Just depends on the personalities of who you end up with I think.

daisychain01 Mon 21-Oct-13 06:18:00

Ghirly, it is all about attitude. You clearly have good intent towards getting on with your DCs SM. People vent on here because of manipulative, calculating behaviour and sadly it is very common, which you have recognised.

My DSSs mother wanted to do maximum damage to my DH and frequently used her child as a weapon. It was very sad indeed, I just stayed in the background and helped my DH to cope with each situation as it arose and by and large we managed to dampen down the anger, not add fuel to the fire and these days things have really improved (zero contact with her but that is for the best, when negative experience every single time DH tried to negotiate in a conciliatory fashion).

It would be a happier world if people could behave maturely and in the best interests of the child. All too often there are malicious agendas, vengeful motives etc that get in the way.

All the things we used to put up with, I think now "what was the point?", it was such a waste of emotional energy! Benefit of hindsight I guess!

Kaluki Mon 21-Oct-13 12:06:32

I used to be a SM to a now grown up girl and I always got on well with her Mum. We are still friends on FB and I'm lucky to still have a fantastic relationship with her dd even though I despise her dad (my ex).
My DP's ex however is a different kettle of fish. She has a chip on her shoulder about me (I wasn't the OW - she left him for someone else before we met). She's got it into her head I am posh (haha if only she knew!) and a "stuck up snob" even though we've never met and have no mutual friends. This is based on the fact that I told her dc that they do have to brush their teeth, have a bath, wash their hair etc!!!
She uses them as a weapon to hurt DP whenever she can, she makes them call her bf Daddy and tells them that they can call DP Daddy X so they are totally confused.
My dc have fairly new SM and I like her. She doesn't have dc of her own so doesn't 'mother' my dc, she is more like a friend to them which they like.
It takes all sorts but I do wish my DPs ex was more like the OP.

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 21-Oct-13 12:11:54

My ex is away for a while (working) at the moment so yesterday I went over too see ds's step-mum for a coffee and a catch up smile

I think lots of us do get on well, but we are not the ones who find ourselves posting problems on the step-parenting board, that's all iyswim?

Ghirly Mon 21-Oct-13 14:21:41

I get what you mean TheGirl its obviously not going to be full of posts about how great SMs are but I wish alot of the manipulative BMs would realise it's ultimately the child who suffers.

Alot of them give us non-manipulative BMs a bad name! sad

riverboat Mon 21-Oct-13 16:56:32

Another one here who gets on well with the ex. I have never felt that she has negative control over my life, quite the contrary. Like you OP, we often come together for family gatherings, even those that don't directly relate to DSS. As both DP and I are only children whose parents live hundreds of miles away, I really appreciate this extended-family part of being a stepmum.

Incidentally, in the ongoing debate over the term 'bm', I think this post title is an excellent example of when such a term is needed to designate mothers whose children also have a stepmother as opposed to mothers in a more general context.

Stepmooster Tue 22-Oct-13 03:22:19

I vent on here about the problems the ex wife causes but in RL I am often trying to sift out the reasonable and unreasonable requests of DSS mum and support her point of view when she is being reasonable when discussing matters with DH.

He's a lot better since I came along, but he slips back into old habits occassionally. It is hard for him (and me) to not let his anger at being blackmailled for money cloud his communications about DSS.

In the early days of our relationship she was very dismissive of me. Then tried to see if she could include my finances in their divorce settlement. Because of that the first time I met her was outside the courts at their second hearing, and understandably we were never introduced. I would never have gone along if my assets were not being taken into account and I was not going to let DH negotiate without my involvement on what I worked hard for.

I wish she would respect me a little more and realise we are all on the same side - raising DSS to be a well rounded, much loved young man. I guess her mistake was to assume DH and I would never last, and its hard to forget the insults. I was not an OW either and don't understand how some ex wives think the love lives of their ex husbands are any of their business. And i am not talking about when ex wives worry about how the children will take to the relationship. I'm talking about plain nastiness.

I do not tread on her toes and try and mother DSS. I share her sentiments there I would never be happy with another woman trying to mother my DCs if DH and I split up. Its great that you can let SM be a second mummy and it seems to work for you.

I do hope when DSS is older and things like graduations and weddings take place we all can be supportive of DSS, and sit a room together and be civil. We should all try not to hold grudges.

BrevilleTron Tue 22-Oct-13 18:29:52

I have a great relationship with my DDs wonderful stepmum.
Feel free to search my name on this board for my threads.
Can't seem to link any blush

stella69x Sat 09-Nov-13 22:07:37

I completely respect my dd's step mum, she is a great mum and has recently welcomed my dd as a full time member of their larger household, circumstances of which is a whole other thread.

She would be the one who would always try her best to facilitate contact when 'dad' was using shift work as an excuse to be unreliable/inconsistent/not bothered.

We have often done the shared cup of tea together at pick up/drop off times and reinforced the same message to dd regards homework, makeup, hair dye, curfew, etc. I am a Lucky mum, dd's dad may be a PITA but step mum is a diamond and I am grateful my dd has her in her life.

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