Selfish ex and poor dss is stuck in the middle of it all

(63 Posts)
K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 20:30:31

Dh and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we got married in February this year. Dss and I have got a really strong bond since the wedding as he has started telling me he loves me and understands me and his dad are together and I'm his step mum (not that we have pressurised this on him!) anyway, since dh and I have been together the ex has been so unreasonable and selfish since day 1.

Last weekend dss fell ill with a fever and his mum was worried. Dh said to her to take him to the hospital or phone the out of hours doctor if she was really that worried. We would've helped out but we live over 200 miles away. All her family live within 5-10 minutes from her but they've turned against helping her recently and demanded that dh and I go up there, and drop everything to go up and look after him. I am also 4 months pregnant and to be honest I didn't fancy going up there and risk catching what he had (as selfish as it may seem) we run our own business and don't have any reliable staff at the moment so find it difficult to get away.

This has resulted in her not answering dh's phone calls and texts even with him asking how dss is. Now she has got in contact because she wants money for an after school club. Am I the only one who finds this infuriating and unreasonable?!?!

kitsmummy Fri 18-Oct-13 18:51:13

In what world is £200 a lot of money to pay towards your child??!

ChristmasPixie123 Fri 18-Oct-13 18:55:01

She sounds bad OP but your OH doesn't sound so sweet either. I think people have been way too harsh on you though but I do think this is an emotive subject. Don't tell MN too much or you might be branded an interfering step mother!

I would of done the same as your OH if I was refused contact with my son because she was being a snotty bitch. Well I guess she got a taste of her own medicine. All those harping on about 24/7 care - his mother wanted it that way by the sounds of it!
Congratulations on your pregnancy OP thanks try not to stress yourself with this and let your hubby deal with this.

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 19:19:47

We don't know why he was refused contact though.

ChristmasPixie123 Fri 18-Oct-13 19:20:57

No we don't so everyone seems to jump down the OPs throat - no doubt because she is the SM.

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 19:34:13

No, I think people are responding to what she has posted regarding her DHs actions.

It is him that is the target of criticism.

ChristmasPixie123 Fri 18-Oct-13 19:37:22

I suggest you heed her warning to you.

So your not criticizing the OP just her Judgment.

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 20:03:14

I'll take the 'wicked step mother' branding.

She was the one that walked out on dh. He was mortified that she had gone, mostly because dss was taken.

edam Fri 18-Oct-13 20:26:28

I really don't get stepmothers (or stepfathers) who think they have the right to judge what resident parents spend maintenance on, and get all outraged if it goes towards rent. How is putting a roof over your child's head NOT a good thing? That's what maintenance is for, FGS, housing, feeding, clothing - all the things that go to keeping a child safe, fed, warm and educated.

OP, you are p/g. When your baby is born, do you not expect your dh to contribute towards the rent or mortgage? Of course you do. Why is it somehow outrageous of your dh's ex to put some of the maintenance towards rent? That's what it is FOR, as well as utility bills and food and clothes and everything else!

lunar1 Fri 18-Oct-13 20:31:41

Your dh really doesn't come over well on all this.

K8eee I wish I had a magic formula to send to you on how to magic up a great relationship with your partner's ex, unfortunately it is total pot luck as to what kind of person the ex turns out to be. It's regardless of how much effort, respect, time or money you spend trying to build things up.

Either the ex is someone who understands what it means to put the welfare of a child first (regardless of negative feelings about the non-resident parent) or they don't. If you have the first type of ex you have a great chance at building good bonds which involve all adults over time, maybe with the odd blip. Otherwise you have the kind of ex which, for whatever reason, is so eaten up with emotion that they cannot put the welfare of their child first and are hellbent on making things as difficult as possible for the non-resident parent, whether they realise it or not.

I have friends who have great relationships with their stepchildren and their mothers and know others who, like us, have a nightmare of a situation. We do everything that has been said on this thread and more to try and build up bridges (after nearly 9 years together and we are also a 2hr drive away) and STILL the ex is using their children to fight this battle that she insists on maintaining. Now DH doesn't get to see his children. He has never hurt them, hurt her, been violent, taken drugs, committed a crime, made a bad parenting judgement or anything that a court may consider a court order for and as for money, well. So why is she still playing games, hurting her children in the process and continuing the drama? It all really kicked off after I got pregnant not long after we married a few years ago. Take from that what you will. This is a woman who can barely look at DH when speaking to him only to insist on seeing our baby in DH's car one time when he was collecting his children. Of course since that day his children have said mummy keeps telling them our baby is NOT their sibling. How horrible for all children involved that they couldn't relax with each other as other siblings do. She smirked when DH asked her about it. She knew the damage had been done and that was fine with her.

Feeding the situation with fuel keeps things going for somebody that could already be upset and needs some real help to come to terms with a situation. Perhaps everyone taking time to step back, calm down and reconsider the situation will help put things back on some kind of even keel in which to try and start a dialogue. DH's ex will only communicate via text too, with one worded replies, which strains communication and doesn't allow the children to see their parents being positive and civil towards each other. When trying to have phone conversation with them (which has stopped now due to their stress) his EX insists on having her ear to the phone at the same time which restricts his child feeling relaxed in the conversation.

I can understand how infuriating and unreasonable of her it must seem when she ignores your partner's concerns about his son only to then text and ask for money. However if your partner was to text back agreeing to give the money for the after school club then he could try, civily, to continue the texting conversation with asking after his son. If she still chooses to ignore those questions then it may be advisable to put his request in writing to her in the coming week as a precursor to taking a more formal approach.

If somebody refuses to communicate with a parent without valid reason in a parenting situation then, for the benefit of the child, you should follow through with a more formal procedure. If we knew 5 years ago what the situation would be like today we would have done it all different and not been so passive and agreeable. We behaved in that way because we're relatively nice people, love all of our children, don't want them witnessing ugliness and thought this is how divorced parents are MEANT to behave. However it has got us nowhere at all and because of it we both feel we have failed DH's children.

On a separate note congratulations on your pregnancy! Try to keep yourself mentally distanced from the situation at the moment. I know people share problems or issues in relationships because they are looking for support but maybe he could shoulder this one himself for a little while to allow you to enjoy your pregnancy. smile

ThisWayForCrazy Fri 18-Oct-13 21:56:36

My stepson was ill, my husband left work straight away and drove 500 miles to be with him. I would have been furious if he hadn't!

PatoBanton Sat 19-Oct-13 08:06:39

I think it's a bit naive to say you want to 'bond' with your stepchild when you partly didn't want to go to him because you might catch something.

Being a parent isn't about picking and choosing the bits you enjoy.

If you want this boy in your lives then you have to accept him, ill or not ill, and if you don't like the sound of that then really you have not got a leg to stand on.

TobyLerone Sat 19-Oct-13 08:13:27

Every time you post about him he sounds worse.

I still don't understand why he couldn't have gone to visit his DS without you confused

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