DSS is 17. He has lived with DP, DS1 (4) DS2 (10 mths) and I, full time sinc last June. His mother lives 300 miles away and he has been back to her house 4 times for at least a week in 16 months. He is an apprentice and works 4 days a week and goes to college once a week. Since moving here it has not been the easiest place to live...DP and I have had our ups and downs...he was a fairly unpleasant alcohol dependant, unreliable git for a long time...I was pregnant, stressed, trying to keep our business going, look after my DS and everything else etc etc...there were daily rows, DSS said he lost all respect for his father and was only staying to help me with the LOs... Fast forward to now and things have improved 10 fold...DP is not drinking, business is going ok, we have a better work:life balance and in short things are great, best ever.... So why would DSS call his granny and tell her its all dreadful, his dad is miserable, I am a controlling nightmare who won't let his dad have any money...and basically cause a load of hooha and headache (DPs mother is a total nightmare...and until now DS agreed with me that she is better kept firmly behind rose tinted, soundproofed windows) and all he has achieved is winding us up.... I feel baffled... and cross. ..and let down. Thats it eeally...am just venting!
Thanks for replying I have tried to talk to him but he won't talk to me...he has made himself very unavailable since Saturday when his granny phoned us...it feels like he is trying to cause trouble deliberately so we all have a big to do and he can flounce back to his mums with a clear conscience (we kicked him out). Frankly I don't mind if he goes as he is upsetting DS1 and making the DP really unhappy too...
He wants to be needed. He had a big grown-up role supporting you when your DP was being a "fairly unpleasant alcohol dependant, unreliable git" and now your DP has sorted himself out and life is going better for you your DSS fels he has lost his place.
That would be my reading of the situation. He may be trying to cause trouble but it is likely to be so that he can take over the role of supporter again.
I don't know how you resolve this but I would say that givig him a greater role in the family rather than letting him get pushed out with his bad behaviour would be the way forward.
Yes that makes total sense. I have tried to talk to him again only to be told its all my fault... I have spoken to his mum (first time ever she has agreed to speak with me in 8 years...) and we are in agreement that he is behaving out of character. He had a minor op about 7 weeks ago and is still complaining of pain after appendectomy which our Dr is baffled by. So he hasn't been to work for ages and is rattling around at home...bored and potentially depressed. But up til now we have always been close and got on well. It's very difficult as it all has happened out of the blue