new husband has had enough of my dsuhhter

(54 Posts)
wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:08:04

I have been with my husband for 6 years, my daughters are 18 and 16,
The girls are argiin one minit and cuddling tbe next.
My 18 yesr old is very strong minded and she has began to get under my husbands skin.
He told me me he wants nothing more to do with her.
I have told him that we come as a package and if he doesnt want anything to do with her then im off, this was last week and we havnt said one word to each other since,
Any advice!! Am I in the wrong?

MissStrawberry Mon 07-Oct-13 20:36:49

Ask him why he wants you to hit the roof and be on her back. He sounds like he has no clue what 18 year olds are like and is throwing his toys out of the pram. Would he be like it if the child was his biologically?

Have you talked to your DD about why she has changed (if she has) and if there is a problem with your husband. Which came first - her annoying behaviour that has pissed him off or has she changed because he has started being off with her?

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:37:19

"She is respectfull to dh"

""She leaves her bedrom in a mess, brings people home without asking, stays out all night, doesnt do any house work."

Sorry, but these statements cannot both be true. If the 2nd is true, then the first certainly isn't

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:38:01

Whats a disney mum?

Viviennemary Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:10

Children can annoy their own parents not just step-parents and drive them to the very end of their tether. Is your DD very annoying. If she is she should change her behaviour. People need to learn to live together. There are no easy answers.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:14

Respectful in the way she talks to him , but obviously not in her actions

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:46

Ask him why he wants you to hit the roof and be on her back

Um, I imagine its because she brings people into his home without asking, and doesn't contribute to the household?

I doubt her staying out all night bothers him the way it bothers the OP; I'd be hoping she wasn't coming back if I were him!

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:41:11

And as they say, actions speak louder than words

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:44:42

wendy If you are worried about what your DCs think of you, and behave in a way that you hope will keep them on-side and your friend then you are in DisneyMum territory.
If you fail to follow through on consequences, and indulge your DCs with your time and money while at the same time avoiding unpleasant aspects of parenting then you're more or less there.
Do you defend your DDs poor behaviour?

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:45:06

I just hate being stuck in the middle,
She got annoying before he started to get p****d off with her miss strawberry

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:46:50

His anger is directed at the wrong person. you are the person who has failed to address your DDs behaviour - and you may lose your marriage as a result.

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:48:49

It really does come across that your only problem is with your DP's annoyance with her behaviour, rather than you yourself finding her behaviour unacceptable. I imagine this makes the situation even more unpalatable for your DP. For example in your first post you just say "string minded" whereas when pushed, it's clear it's much more than this. It sounds like you're really not prepared to set boundaries and stick to them.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:49:41

I do discipline her, and I defend her if I think he is being unreasonable,

I think reading these comments I have a lot of thinkimg to do sad

MissStrawberry Mon 07-Oct-13 20:51:10

This man has been n the OP's life for over 6 years. Has he been living with you since you were married?

balia Mon 07-Oct-13 20:54:38

I do discipline her, and I defend her

Then you are putting yourself in the middle! You both need to sit down and work out what is acceptable, and then decide what you are going to do to enforce your new, joint rules. And read a few threads on here about the incredible frustration and resentment caused when a step-parent is put in a position of being expected to play a parental role, but then undermined by the 'real' parent when trying to actually do it!

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:55:12

Sorry whats op?

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 21:06:18

I don't think that being on her back 24/7 is going to be productive. you can't physically force her to do things like clean her room... so nagging and telling her off constantly isn't going to help. which i presume is why the OP chooses not to.
she could be on at her constantly. but all that would do would anger the daughter, nothing would resolve and tension in the house would run even higher.

that said, there are things that can and should be changed... things like bringing people round without asking. That's rude. She lives in your house and even if you are ok with it your husband isn't. You need to make it a rule that she asks, or at least gives you adequate warning first and that she knows if you say no, then it doesn't happen.
It can't be nice not having your home to yourself... not knowing if you're going to get home to a roomful of teenage strangers!

I think it would be a good idea if you had a kind of family meeting. where everyone gets to have their say, and a set of rules are drawn up... that will mean also deciding on what happens if rules are broken.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 21:13:10

Yes I think we all need to sit down and discuss it,
Time for me to realise shes 18 and an adult.
I should of said earlier that she doesnt go to her biological fathers house
As she doesnt get on with step mum,
And her father never ever disciplines her.

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 21:15:43

"As she doesnt get on with step mum,
And her father never ever disciplines her"

It's possible those 2 facts are connected

Petal02 Mon 07-Oct-13 21:46:32

It must be like you and your daughter versus your husband. No wonder he's fed up, powerless to have any control over what goes on in his home. I never realised Disney Mums existed til now.

How my DH put up with the crap my adult son used to throw at him is beyond me. I was soft at times parenting DS and when I sat and listened to DH's concerns - who were echoing a close friend's concerns - I realised I had to pull up my socks and get on with the job of setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries - and to stop trying to overcompensate and be his friend.

I did, he hated not being in control so moved out! Now, we all get on lovely.

Your daughter is a young adult, she must be responsible for her own space, her own behaviour and her contribution to the household - none of which is down to you. If she didn't do it at your home she would have to do it somewhere else.

If you allow this to ruin your marriage you will regret it in the long run, especially if your husband's concerns are justified.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 21:56:03

im not a disney mum!!!

Petal02 Mon 07-Oct-13 22:24:11

Wendy, for 7 years my husband parented (I use that term loosely) his son in the same way you parent your daughter. It was all about keeping his son sweet/on-side etc at all costs. He wanted to be his best mate, and the two of them could be a pretty toxic double-act, and I was outnumbered, rather like your DH. The phrase "we come as a package" is not a mandate for letting a child/young adult get away with poor behaviour. I've been where your DH is now, and it's pretty soul destroying.

WaitMonkey Tue 08-Oct-13 09:12:40

Op, I agree with everyone else . It's time to stand up to your dd and set some rules. Your dh obviously doesn't hate your daughter, he's been around for a long time, he is just fed up of her taking advantage.

Petal, how are things with your dss, I've been wondering about you. Has he gone to uni yet ? <sorry for hijack>.

Petal02 Tue 08-Oct-13 14:11:31

Waitmonkey - DSS is now at Uni, and appears to be enjoying himself smile.

louby44 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:15:25

You've only been married for 6 years, surely you want to work together to resolve this? Before you know it your 16 year old will be 18 and your 18 yr old 20 and they may be gone.

Or is there some other issue? Is your marriage not good?

If he's been a good step-dad and the DD have previously liked him why has he changed his attitude?

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