exW crossing the line

(12 Posts)
HisLommel Sun 29-Sep-13 08:46:03

What do you do when you suspect the exW of lying to your DSC to try and prevent a positive relationship with their dad?
At the moment OH only gets to see them for 2 hours a week at a contact centre because she's so restrictive but we have the final court hearing in October and we're confident we'll get at least every other weekend, hopefully with a Friday school pick up as she's highly likely to continue to obstruct contact.
Her sons have so far come out with things like "Mummy says you've taken all our money" (she got everything, he took all the debt, he pays the new higher CSA rate), "do you remember that time when you hit me really hard" (he's never laid a finger on him, and hasn't had unsupervised contact since Feb 2012, he's only 4 and has never mentioned this before), "Mummy says I'll get something special if I call you <name> not Daddy".

This time the youngest came out with "There's naughty boys at <name>'s house". Obviously she's talking about my sons. The youngest has not been told by OH about me or my sons so it must have come from her.

OH keeps setting the boys straight but it keeps happening. CAFCASS aren't involved in our case as they said there's no welfare concerns but when we called them they said to report it to children's services as emotional abuse which we have, and sent a solicitors letter asking her to stop doing it (obviously not working).

I've got visions of them turning up at our house now and saying to my boys "My mummy says you're naughty".

Tell me I'm not the only one dealing with this!

MsColour Sun 29-Sep-13 10:19:54

I'm not an expert but I don't think his contact will go straight from 2 hours to full weekends. There will probably be a transition period leading up to this - which would only be fair on the children who need to get used to their father's home, you and your children for shorter periods of time first.

All you can do is make them feel welcome and slowly develop your own relationships and they will make up their own minds about you, their dad and your children. What their mum does is unfortunately something you cannot influence. I would suggest you avoid getting into conversations with them about their mum.

Good luck

Hawkmoth Sun 29-Sep-13 10:23:09

You need some help and to look into parental alienation.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 29-Sep-13 14:46:07

HisLommel I could write an essay as I've been where you are but take a look at The Family Separation Clinic - theres lots of help and support for families like yours who are facing issues of parental alientation.

Its not easy - very un-MN'y ((hugs)) to you.

Mojavewonderer Sun 29-Sep-13 15:05:40

My husband's oldest has come out with some real whoppers which could only have come from his ex. For example he once came out with 'do you remember when you tried to kill yourself by driving your car off the road dad?' I actually had to leave the room when that was said I was so shocked an angry that his ex had put that into his head. Obviously it isn't true and was incredibly damaging. My husband has asked his ex to stop saying this stuff and she says he's lying and making it up. He comes out with something new every time we have them and non of it is true. We just correct him now and ignore it.

benid Mon 30-Sep-13 10:05:26

Yes.. pretty often. Luckily OH has reasonable contact and mum is supportive of contact arrangements .. but fairly often we hear ridiculous statements from DSK about things that happened when OH and mum were together (not true). Obv been drip-fed from mum. It's very frustrating but all I can offer is that it gets easier as they get older. Never get it from DSS any more as he is old enough to realise there are 2 sides to every story. DSD is younger and still thinks mum's word is gospel. OH just deals with it by saying "that's not true", doesn't give it the time of day and will not get drawn into justifying himself to the DSK. Seems to work ok.
Hope it gets sorted for you x

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 30-Sep-13 10:40:36

OH just deals with it by saying "that's not true", doesn't give it the time of day and will not get drawn into justifying himself to the DSK. Seems to work ok.

The advice to parents who are experiencing deliberate/sustained alientation is to try and avoid contradicting the DC, but rather, support them to think about things for themselves and come to their own conclusion. The favoured parent will actually tell a DC that the alientated parent will deny whatever they have said - so if the alientated parent says to the DC "thats not true" they fall into the trap of "proving" that the favoured parent is actually telling the DC the truth.

In the OP's case, the DC's have refered to a time a parent hit them, which is not true. Rather than deny it, it is suggested that an age-approropriate conversation takes place, saying to the DC no, I don't remember that! Why don't you tell me more about it?.

Often, the DC will say that they don't remember, but that the favoured parent told them about it - which allows the alientated parent to say something along the lines of "well, if you don't remember me hitting you, and I don't remember hitting you, then that's what I believe. I'm sure we'd both remember it if it happened".

It does seem counterintuitive not to "correct" blatent untruths that your DC's have been told - but when it is their other parent that tell them, they are faced with the impossible task of accepting that one of their parents is lying to them - and until they are much older, that is a very difficult thing for them to process. My DSS suffered serious anxiety for years because of the badmouthing/bashing of DP that his Mum does. It's only now he's maturing (and ironically, his mothers behaviour has got worse, and is more blatant) that he has worked out for himself that she sometimes says things that aren't true, and that really, it's time she let it go.

HisLommel Mon 30-Sep-13 10:55:30

Thanks all. I've done quite a bit of reading around this now, including a book called Divorce Poison (the title makes me cringe - too sensationalist!). Looks like we need to slow drip the truth back to them. It's just heartbreaking knowing that they are being fed a scary story that isn't true and there's nothing we can do to stop her from doing it. confused
It helps to know we're not alone at least smile

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 30-Sep-13 11:02:47

Warshaks book is excellent - he has also produced a DVD called "Welcome Back, Pluto" which proved invaluable to us when DSD rejected DP completely - it is presented from the POV of the DC, and both the parents.

As well as spending time watching the DVD with DSS, and my own DD, DP actually posted a copy of the DVD to DSD; knowing that her Mum would open her mail and watch it, in an effort to obtain more material to use in her efforts to alientate the DC's from their Dad. I'm not sure if it made a difference or not, but her behaviour did (temporarily) change - unfortunately, not for long, but long enough for DSD to reconnect with their Dad, and now both DC's are confident enough to defy their Mum at times, despite their fear that she will withdraw her love from them.

fairy1303 Sun 06-Oct-13 15:57:23

oh yeah been there -

my personal favourite was "mummy says you are SO MEAN daddy because you stole me from her " (DSD been living with DH since 18 months)

and "mummy told me that she didn't come to my birthday party/play/etc was because you and fairy wouldn't let her'

it has got better.

it's just really, really hard work.

HisLommel Sun 06-Oct-13 16:30:37

Ugh fairy that sounds horrible. Glad to hear it's got better - gives me some hope!

aza121079 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:19:17

Hi All, we're just entering the start of these lies and it's so tough.
We've had "daddy took all of mummy's money", and also in our situation my OH didn't get a penny, she's got the house and pension.
Have also just had "I shouldn't spend too much time at nanny's house", where up until now he wanted to spend all his time there playing with his nan and granddad. I've got hope that it will get better but I know it won't be easy.

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