new to kids, mn and everything really... please help

[newbiestepper]

Hi, this might drag on but i am really stuck.

Firstly I don't have children of my own. My mum was very quick to scream and shout and be pretty physical with me when i was a child and was terrified I would turn out the same type of mum and never, ever wanted to inflict that on anyone ever!

I knew my current partner before we dated and had met his oldest daughter before we started dating, I knew he had a younger daughter too but hadn't met her yet. I met her after we had been dating a month. She is very funny/strange with me, when Dad is around she is quite nice but when Dad isn't there I get told to go home and not visit and things. She is only 2 1/2 years old. Her terrible twos are in full flow, she has temper tantrums and uses it to get attention from her dad. I don't know anything about parenting and discipline but I seem to keep telling her no - you cant have that chocolate bar, no you cant have cake for breakfast.

I need to find a way to make our relationship more positive. It just seems to be me being permanently negative which I dont want. She is so cute and I love them all so much.

Can anyone please help?

[Emilyeggs]

When you say dad isn't there, where is he? Do you mean he's popped out the room? Or are you left looking after them? I only ask as it seems a bit soon for the latter.

[Emilyeggs]

How long have you been together? Sorry for the questions bit just trying to get a gauge of things. A little jealousy is to be expected, try focusing on games to play when you are on your own with them, my own dsd loves fashion sticker books and she loves it when I "get the look all wrong" and she shows me how it should look. Find something she enjoys, it will keep her mind busy.

[MrsDavies]

when you say no she can't have something, try offering an alternative? piece of fruit or something? then you are showing its not that you don't want her to have anything,its just she can't have that particular thing. maybe that will help? it will take her a while to get used to you but one day she just will .

[newbiestepper]

No when dad nips out for a ciggie it's just me and her. That's when it starts. We have been together since april so still quite new. We both work shifts so getting any time together is tough. Especially, working it round the kids too.

I don't even know what 2 1/2 year old girls are into these days.... that's bad isn't it!! :(

[JessePinkmansBitch]

Ah, at 2 1/2 she's still a baby really. My DSD was only 2 1/2 when I met DH, (she's 21 now). I'd say be firm with discipline as you are, but like MrsDavies says, offer alternatives. Playing with her is the best thing you can do. Get down on the floor and play whatever game she is playing with her. Also my DSD used to love hide and seek at that age, but obviously really easy hiding places - at the side of the sofa where she can still see you, and then lots of praise when she finds you. DSD also used to love being chased, and then tickled.

[newbiestepper]

Thanks!! Yes, peek a boo is becoming a phrase I repeat a lot!!! What else can I do??

[cartoad]

The other thing to do is say that she can have the cake for her supper, and then put it away somewhere together or put a note on it to remind you both so you are saying 'yes, later...' or if she wants chocolate - then saying 'let's ask daddy when he comes back shall we, he's the one that knows when you're allowed chocolate' - thereby pushing the 'no' onto daddy. Or for the short term talking to your dp in advance but say for the chocolate - as you are currently seen to be the bad guy then agree that if she makes that demand on you again in the future, you can say yes - even if it is for just a piece of chocolate from the bar. or 2 smarties instead until daddy comes back or something positive to be able to say yes to her sometimes.

For what it's worth, I have 2 ds and treat them very differently when it comes to food.

ds1 - rubbish eater, I have to make him eat the stuff he needs to eat first before he gets to eat any treats or he'll just claim he's full and not eat the stuff he needs.

ds2 - good eater but strange eccentric eating habits. Is very unconcerned with the 'proper' (common, usual) order or combination of things he eats as regards my expectations (ie savoury then pudding) but will get fixated on something he wants to start with. Might be a chip or cucumber sticks or a yorkshire pudding or his meat. But it could just as easily be a yogurt or a twix bar or a bunch of grapes or some olives. If I don't let him have it then he'll get in a real tiz (he's 5) and won't go on to eat anything. If I do let him eat it, he'll then go on to eat a full relatively normal meal. (his current favourite sandwich is of his own creation - the super hero sandwich consisting of parsley, grated cheese, grated dark chocolate and a chocolate square to be a 'bonus booster' in one mouthful... I let him try it as I don't want to curb his enthusiasm for thinking up and trying new foods and tastes, wasn't expecting to still be making it months later!)

ds1 feels it is unfair that he isn't allowed to eat things in whichever order he wants - but if he ate a decent amount like his brother then it wouldn't matter and he does know this.

but maybe for your dsd if she is more like my ds2, it might be possible to be a bit more relaxed about food rules if she still eats everything.

Failing that - a trip to france as they eat lots of cake for breakfast there! (albeit the plainer loaf cakes or pound cakes, not massive creamy chocolatey fruity gateaux-y concoctions!)

[MsColour]

It is all quite new and I would feel at this stage in your relationship you shouldn't have to be worrying about discipline etc. When i first met my dss i preferred to say "i don't think daddy would let you do that' until I felt more secure in my relationship with him. Does his dd get her dad to herself sometimes or are you always there? She may want a little space until she gets more used to you - doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like you - just that she is not used to you being there all the time.
Perhaps you just need to concentrate on playing with her, reading to her, having trips out with the 3 of you etc and ask you dp to do the main parenting until your relationship is more established.

[newbiestepper]

Yes I think I got carried away too quick. I need to step back. I think the problem I have is that from my chilhood I have a very strict lists of what I would and wouldn't do, however, I have just turned into a slightly different form of my own mother. [Hmm]

I need to be dad's fun pal and leave all that stuff to dad instead, even although I don't agree with some of it.

So lots of hide and seek and reading stories, then!!

Thanks guys x