completely failing at coping with this, any advice?

(22 Posts)
KittenCamile Wed 25-Sep-13 12:36:01

Hi,

DP and I have been ttc for a year. We found out in June that DP has a 0 sperm count hence no baby. He also has a DD who is nearly 5.

The NHS have been taking forever, cancelled appointment ect. I paid for a consultation privately and the doctor did very little, was convinced it was a vein and sent us back to the NHS saying he could have the op in two weeks. We waited a month for the scan (which was last week) and no vein. We are devastated. Next appointment is Oct 3rd.

The thing that is making it worse is I now can't stand to be around my DSD. I feel like my heart has broken in two and all I want to do is disappear. She started school two weeks ago and DP keeps sending me pics, DSD mum emails me (we get on ok) about all the dates we have to remember ect and I can't take it, I feel like it's all being rubbed in my face and I just can't escape it. DSD is due tonight and I just wish she was coming, I feel like I don't belong in my own house as she is just a reminder that we may never get to have a DC together.

I'm so angry, why did she get to be here and he now is infertile?! Her mum is quite lazy and doesn't spend much time with her, I would give ANYTHING to have the chance she had, why did she deserve a DC and I dont?

The worst is when DP and DSD cuddle on the sofa, I feel like I'm dying inside every time and I have to leave.

What do I do? I'm turning in to a cold horrible person that just cries and is angry all of the time. I just want us to have a family, it's all I have ever dreamed of

Emilyeggs Wed 25-Sep-13 13:50:48

I feel for you I really do. This is obviously a very emotional time. Have you spoken to your DH about your feelings? He may not realise how deeply you feel about all this and may be able to be more of a comfort to you and ease up on the pics. It may help if you try and push your "resentment" to the side and try to get more involved and have fun with your dsd, you know this is not her fault after all. I'm sorry I don't have better advise but I'm sure another SM will be along soon. Tonight though, maybe try to focus on making your relationship stronger with dsd, rather than pushing her away x

KittenCamile Wed 25-Sep-13 14:49:30

Thank you for your reply Emilyeggs, I do know it's not DSD fault, this is no one's fault which makes it harder as I have no one to blame for our situation IYKWIM?!

I have a very short temper at the moment and my ability to cope with any stress has just diminished to nothing. I cry every single day, I have no refuge from children and pregnant woman as since we started ttc 5 women at work have gotten pregnant (only one was planned, shouldn't matter but everything matters to me atm) so I have baby talk all day at work and then DSD when I get home.

I don't know how to get back the love I felt for her months ago, I look at her from a very distant place lately and I think I can't live with this, I just don't think my heart can take it, my chest literally aches.

Her birthday party is in a couple of months and I can't face going but I have to. DP knows I'm struggling with this, he even volunteered not to go if that would make me happy (obviously it wouldn't and he is going) but the thought of spending the afternoon with parents and their wonderful DC's just fills me with dread. How do I stop being so selfish?

I don't think I'm important enough to make a dent in DSD day if I don't go or if she doesn't see me very often. I feel like she has two parents ( and the CM and her family) I simply don't matter that much

NotALondoner Wed 25-Sep-13 15:18:25

Is she his biological daughter then?

KittenCamile Wed 25-Sep-13 15:25:28

She hasn't been tested but he was married to DSD mum when she was conceived and born. She wasn't planned and was conceived shortly after a termination but as far as anyone can be sure she is

Emilyeggs Wed 25-Sep-13 15:37:28

Sorry, it's a tough situation. I don't really know what to add. When I said you do know this is not her fault I meant it in a way of its good that you realise that and not a patronising way. Don't know if that's how it came across.

delilah89 Wed 25-Sep-13 16:53:44

hmm ^what londoner said.

OP you sound devastated. This is, in a way, terrible advice... but you could start again with a new man. Have you considered it?

KittenCamile Wed 25-Sep-13 18:41:28

Delilha I don't want to, I love my DP so much I would never find another like him. Our ttc journey is not over yet there are still possibilities it's just we don't really know what they are. Everything is taking so long and no one is telling us anything.

We are not eligible for much help on the NHS because of DSD, this adds to my resentment I guess as I have to save everything I can in case we have to do IVF with ICSI and it's not cheap. DP can't save as he simply can't afford it.

I know people don't know what to say to me. My DM and DSIS have been supportive. I can't find anyone in the same position.

Thank you so much for all of your replies

mumtobealloveragain Wed 25-Sep-13 21:55:21

sad What a horrible situation for you to be in. It's good you realise your journey to conceive is definitely not over, fingers crossed for you.

Has your DP not thought about wanting to check that DSD is his? (sorry if that sounds awful) but that came to mind when I read your thread.

KittenCamile Wed 25-Sep-13 22:10:25

No I don't think he wants to go through that, he has been through a lot with finding out he is currently infertile, I don't know what would happen if DSD wasn't his. He just doesn't see how she couldn't be his.

delilah89 Thu 26-Sep-13 09:54:39

Does she look like him?

TheWinterOne Thu 26-Sep-13 11:41:01

I can't imagine what your going through Camile, but I sincerely wish you every bit of luck with your journey.

It may be worth posting in the infertility board on here as those posting on there may be able to relate to your situation and offer support.

TheGirlFromIpanema Thu 26-Sep-13 12:04:35

There are a whole host of reasons why a sperm count can be normal enough to conceive one year and then low/non existent 6 whole years later hmm

Andro Thu 26-Sep-13 13:10:55

OP you're grieving, anger/denial/blame transference/etc are all part of it - so is transferring your emotions (dislike/hatred/resentment) onto the embodiment of what you can't have (at least for now, hopefully your partner's infertility can be sorted).

Talk through your emotions, have counseling if you need it and accept that you need to work through what you're feeling instead of ignoring it or trying to push it away. The irrational feelings are normal so don't beat yourself up over them, work through them.

KittenCamile Thu 26-Sep-13 15:44:50

Thank you so much for your replies I really do appreciate it.

I'm a really calm person normally and loving (best thing about having a DSD is the cuddles) but I don't feel like me anymore and I just worry I'm going to hurt (not physically obviously) my DSD and my DP too. She was so tired after school last night that she went to bed very early so I didn't have to see her and this weekend is a our weekend off so I'm hoping a little breather will make it easier to see her again.

I'm quite scared to post about this anywhere else as I just couldn't take anyone being really harsh with about this and the rest of the board is quite anti SM.

Yes there are many reasons DP could now be infertile. I'm hoping that soon we will get to the bottom of it, it's been 4 months of bad news and not knowing, it takes its toll.

I'm not a bad person but the way I don't want DSD near me is making me feel like I am

TheWinterOne Thu 26-Sep-13 16:13:28

Is there anyone neutral you could talk to about how you feel - a close friend? Or as Andro says - a counsellor.

The only reason I mentioned the infertility board was due to the situation - not necessarily with how your feeling towards your DSD but how your coping with the fact results show your DP has 0 sperm count.

I really hope you get some news soon that will help you move forward.

randomAXEofkindness Fri 27-Sep-13 15:47:40

You are in a terrible position, I really feel for you sad.

I'm sorry that I haven't got any advice that hasn't been given already.

I would say though, and I'll probably get flamed for this one, but: I've just discussed this with dh and we agreed that if we were in your position I would just go and shag randoms until I was pregnant. I can see that this sounds stark and distasteful, and is not without risks. But you're in a really difficult situation - nothing is ideal about it - we'd just focus on the prize (obv hoping that the prize isn't a frigging std). Not for everyone, of course, and I've got no idea how you would feel about something like this, I just thought that I would put it out there...

Hope you keep posting op.

KittenCamile Fri 27-Sep-13 19:12:12

Winter I have my DM and my DSIS to talk to and they are really good but I worry that they will get sick of hearing about it. They love me and I'm not sure they know what to say tbh.

Random we have discussed donor sperm but the thought is currently horrible and I think we are quite a lot of counselling away from that. Just to think that another woman had his baby and I might never is crushing. I don't know how I could cope knowing DSD was (probably) his and that ours wouldn't be. He is open to a donor though as he said we WILL have a baby somehow.

If it was just him and I it would be very different but there is this little walking talking reminder and his ex that just make it so much harder.

As if being a SM isn't hard enough!

randomAXEofkindness Sat 28-Sep-13 09:30:04

Completely understand where you're coming from with that Kitten. I'm glad he's open to a donor though. That's one battle won if you do change your mind about it at a later time!

I ttc dd1 for a long time and I remember feeling the same way as you about dh, dss, and exw. I would have said then that there was no way that I could cope with knowing that my dc wasn't his, when he had this connection etc with his exw & their ds. But, if I could have gone forward in time to know how I felt about my dc's, I would have answered differently. Before the dc's, dh was everything. My mood and happiness was based on how WE were. How HE felt about me. I remember getting really upset at the thought that he'd had a baby before so our baby might not be as special, for example. Afterwards none of that seemed important to me anymore. And it wasn't because we achieved some great connection through me giving birth to his baby - on the contrary, he read the bloody paper most of the time. It was just that suddenly all my priorities shifted. His past wasn't important anymore. I didn't get jealous anymore. How anybody felt about dss didn't mean anything anymore. I had a new set of values and they were all tied up with my dc's. How THEY felt was most important thing. Tbh it really freed me from a lot of demons.

The intimacy we have gained through having the dc's happened over time, through the experiences/difficulties we have shared raising them. I'm completely certain that this would have happened whether they were biologically his or not. But I can only make the suggestion with the benefit of hindsight and I can see how it would be difficult to get your head around without it, and how my experiences might not be true for everybody.

KittenCamile Sat 28-Sep-13 12:18:44

Random that was a really insightful post thank you so much. The thought that someone else could be the centre of my world is actually very comforting and I hadn't really thought about it. DP doesn't really seem like that about DSD but I wonder if he has toned it down to help me cope.

I didn't feel like this before we started ttc, I was quite normal then! I would love to get back to being that person and my relationship not being so intense and taking over all of my thoughts.

I'm going to see the doctor on Tuesday as I fainted on my commute a couple of days ago and I have had a couple of panic attacks over the last few weeks. I finally got my AMH test results back (to see how my egg reserves are) yesterday and they are really good and I got a good result from my 21 day test a few months ago. I didn't really feel anything getting the result that I am fertile but DP was over the moon.

Next weeks it's my birthday and DSD is over that night, it's going to be hard as this time last year I thought we would be in a very different situation.

Thank you all so much for sharing, it really does help

RinseAndRepeat Mon 30-Sep-13 14:46:53

OP I felt exactly the same way about my DSD after I had a miscarriage last year.

I HATED the fact that DP had a child with another woman (who is also quite lazy with DSD and leaves her with us a lot of the time).

I thought and felt some dreadful things during that time. And those feelings compounded what was already a horrid experience. I did feel very bitter for a while.

But, like you, I was grieving and I needed to ride out those emotions as part of the grieving process. As uncomfortable as it is, you can't hurry grief up.

I think you need to forgive yourself and be very kind to yourself. It sounds like your DP is lovely. Talk to him. Lean on his support.

You're right about this only being the start of your fertility journey. I wish you the very best of luck with it.

Please don't beat yourself up for being human.

RinseAndRepeat Mon 30-Sep-13 14:53:37

Also (and this is a real taboo), you might find when you do conceive your own DC, you'll still feel differently about your DSD.

I found that when I got pregnant. Biology is your boss.

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