15yr old daughter hates step-father

(25 Posts)
hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 21:38:05

Thank you for your advice, i really do appreciate it. I've never posted on one of these sites before and although it's hard because you can never really give the whole story without writing an essay or your life story, i feel you've got the general gist of it.
I received a call from the school nurse this afternoon, saying my dd wasn't feeling well. I said she could send her home (our house backs onto the school) and she said, would it be ok to give her paracetamol and see how she was at lunch.....i said yes because i didn't want to put her in the awkward place of saying she didn't want to go home...is that wrong? I've called her and text her since and I'm about to text my mother too as i've had no reply.

purpleroses Wed 25-Sep-13 14:58:08

How is your mum about having her? Is she able to care for her properly? Can she get to school from there? Is her staying there a potential long-term option? If it is, maybe it isn't the worst option in the world. She's 15, she's nearly old enough to leave home and it's unlikely a court would really force her to come back to you if she's strongly opposed and your mum is willing to have her.

Would it help if you accepted that that's where she'd rather live, but try to take the opportunity to build back up a relationship with her - possibly meeting her alone - whilst accepting that she can live with her gran for the immediate future at least?

It may be best to try not to be too hurt by your mum refusing to send her home - she may feel that she can't do this because it would be too harsh on your DD to lock her out the house, tell her she's not welcome, etc. 15 year olds are a difficult age to be telling where they should be.

I have a friend who moved in with her gran at the age of 14 after major rows with her mum. A year or so later, everything had calmed down and she'd grown up quite a bit, and her mum pursuaded her to come back home. She needed that bit of time away though to get through the problems with the relationship with her mum.

enderwoman Wed 25-Sep-13 14:37:27

The fact that your dd told her grandmother rather than you about the affair suggests that your mother was closer to her than you were. Are you sure that it's not in her interests to stay there?

enderwoman Wed 25-Sep-13 14:33:56

Just because your younger kids can forgive the affair it doesn't mean the other 2 kids should or can. In time they might be able to but maybe your other children will look back at your decision to take your h back and think it's wrong. You can't use the children to justify your decision to take him back as it's not a decision that they can make. Young children will tend to go for the status quo in situations like this because change is scarier the younger you are because you naturally have less control.

Are you sure that your mum is brainwashing your dd and step son into thinking that you've made the wrong decision? Are you sure she's not just letting them to vent freely?

I'm not necessarily saying that your daughter is an angel and is justified in not liking your husband but I can understand why she'd be angry and interpret your actions as choosing him over her.

TwerkingNineToFive Wed 25-Sep-13 14:24:26

Would you consider having him move out for a couple of weeks to let you and your dd mend bridges?

hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 14:15:00

She had play therapy when she was 6 as i was concerned for her when i separated from her father, they said she seemed fine, that they weren't concerned and that i should try and involve her in what she loves doing (playing with horses) which is why she spent so much time at my mothers, i had a newborn and a 3yr old at the time so couldn't hang around down a yard with them.

hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 14:03:36

maybe i've got it wrong but my 12yr old dd, my son, our dd and one of my stepsons have voiced their opinions, they are all positive and happy that we are still together and trying to get over it. My eldest dd and my other stepson are not. Is this not coincidental that they spend every weekend at my mothers with the horses, does this not scream, even the slightest, that she may have been influencing them? Bearing in mind she rarely visits our home and has had a one sided story over the last 8yrs about arguments between my dd and her step-dad. If she had concerns why not ask me? My husband is strict but fair, an example of an argument would be asking my daughter 6 times to clear all the makeup off of the bathroom sink (which the whole family uses) and after 2 days of her still not doing it, he would shout and take her ipad off her for a day.
I'm not unapproachable and my mother and i had a great relationship before the affair (by the way in my darkest hour my mother abandoned me and didn't speak to me for 9 months, claiming she felt pushed out because i had friends to help me and she was used as a babysitter during my first few breakdowns) Yet now she has put the shutters down and refuses to send my daughter home. I can't help but think it's for the wrong reasons, my dad works nights so she likes the company, she has help with the horses and can subconsciously try and do right what she feels she did wrong with me...i don't know but it's just a thought.
I have tried to get help for my dd, she is having counselling at school but there is a 6month waiting list for help at CAMHS. In the meantime i don't seem to be able to do anything else. I've tried to see her at my mums and she locked herself in the bathroom.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Wed 25-Sep-13 13:35:13

I have never expected my DD to get on with her DSDad - any more than I expect her to like the house I choose to live in or the friends I choose.
I do expect manners and civility - and a commitment (in an age appropriate way) to address issues she may have. It sounds as if you and your DH have ignored the problems up until now, rather than address them when she was younger (through play therapy, youth counselling etc) and it us only recently that your family has begun to address the elephant in the room. Of course that is uncomfortable for her and as she is old enough to 'vote with her feet', she had decided to run away rather than face things.

I suggest you get Social Services involved (quickly, because once she's 16, the rules change), and ask your mum to engage in family therapy with you, and other family members. If your Mum refuses, and continues to facilitate your DD rejecting you, then SS may consider her an inappropriate carer. However, your Dd is, presumably, safe with your Mum, which is more than can be said for lots of runaways.

Morgause Wed 25-Sep-13 13:34:19

It seems that she's lost all respect for you. I can understand why.

lunar1 Wed 25-Sep-13 13:02:20

She has coped with living with a man she hates for 8 years of her childhood. I really feel sorry for her, she probably thought the affair was going to get rid of a man she hates and is now devastated that he is still there.

Catnap26 Wed 25-Sep-13 13:01:11

Your dd is probably feeling very betrayed.although you say she doesn't get on with your dh she was most probably devastated and scared to discover that he was having an affair and although you have decided to forgive him she probably hasn't.
I have a step father who I didn't get on with at that age but now he is my most idolised person but I would have never forgiven him if he hurt my mum.as an adult you have various reasons for working through the affair but your daughter is too young to understand those reasons.what has your dh done to try to better his relationship with your daughter?have you and your daughter ever had counselling together?

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 25-Sep-13 12:59:50

When he didn't get on with a seven year old it should have been a warning. At 9 they still didn't get on and you married him. Your mother hates him (why). Finally he betrays you by putting his dick in someone else. Your daughter, at a tricky enough time in her life, finds out the man she has a mutually poor relationship finds out. You choose this man over her, your child, who has not betrayed you. How do you think she feels?
I disinterested believe parents should always pander to children's wishes. I don't believe parents should allow children to dictate what they do/who they see for no reason. But I do think a mother should put a child before a so called man that doesn't like a child, that isn't even faithful and that other members of the family also dislike.
Asking people not to comment unfavourably is immature and ridiculous. It's of great relevance. Just because you're fine with being treated like that and your daughters welfare is less important than staying with a cheating shit doesn't make it right.

hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:51:40

I'm not putting my cheating husband before my daughter, my children have always come first which is why i left their biological father. We have a 4yr old daughter together and i also have 2 stepsons who are with us 50% of the time. I had to consider all 6 children in my decision not just my eldest daughter. My family didn't have a massive issue with my husband before hand they just didn't really gel, he is from a loud welsh family and i am not!
I was looking into the legal route just out of interest if i had no other options.
My mother has a few issues of her own which scares me...she has done this with 3 other teenagers in the last 5yrs, taking them in, buying them horses and telling them they have a responsibility to help look after them and then turning on the tears and emotional blackmail when the children (which is what they are) want to go back home. I'm sure she does have my daughters best interests at heart but, encouraging her to run away from problems instead of discussing issues and trying to find a resolve isn't one of them.

Kaluki Wed 25-Sep-13 12:46:50

You have made your choice.
You chose the cheating husband over your dd. Think how that must make her feel and what an awful position she was in, knowing about his affair before you did. You have treated her really badly and the consequences are that your dd refuses to live with you.
Forget solicitors, go and see her at your Mum's and build some bridges.
That or dump your bastard husband and put her first.

TwerkingNineToFive Wed 25-Sep-13 12:28:03

I'd ask him to move out for now, he can go and stay with a friend for week or two. This is your daughter she is a child, your dh is an adult he can take care of him self. Maybe a gesture like this would prove to your daughter she comes first because she should be your main priority.

enderwoman Wed 25-Sep-13 12:28:01

Is the solicitor for issuing legal proceedings against your mum or for a divorce?
I really wouldn't got he legal route on your mum. She is on your dd's side and you will really piss them both off.

If ending your marriage is out of the question then Id be trying to work out a solution where you get to have contact with your dd the way anon-resident parent would in a divorce.

Morgause Wed 25-Sep-13 12:25:22

You put a cheating husband before your daughter?

She's better off with her grandmother, frankly.

colafrosties Wed 25-Sep-13 12:24:44

Why does your mother hate your husband? (other than for the affair)

TwerkingNineToFive Wed 25-Sep-13 12:24:29

Is he a wonderful man who made a mistake and has always tried to be a good step parent to your daughter? Or as i suspect have you not mentioned other behaviours that are reason your family doesn't like him. How did she find out about the ow?

hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:22:51

Because she has 2 siblings that thought he was great and i thought it was just clash of personalities and they would become closer.

basgetti Wed 25-Sep-13 12:21:32

It is a bit concerning that you say 'they have never got on'. That suggests an equal relationship, when actually your DD was 7 and it wasn't her responsibility to get on with an adult.

Why wasn't your husband able to get on with a child?

willyoulistentome Wed 25-Sep-13 12:20:24

*choose

willyoulistentome Wed 25-Sep-13 12:20:04

I'd cloose my daughter over an unfaithful man who is not her father.

NotALondoner Wed 25-Sep-13 12:17:47

Why did you marry someone your 7/8/9 year old daughter did not like?

hulahoop76 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:15:33

My 15 year old daughter hates her step father, we have been married for 6yrs together for 8 and they have never really got on, this got gradually worse as she became a teenager. Then, just to put the nail in the coffin, a year ago she discovered her step-father was having an affair. She took the info she'd discovered to my mother who broke the news to me. After 6 weeks of me being broken, i made the decision to try and make my marriage work. We both had counselling (separately) and are back on track with a much better relationship. My daughter is devastated that i made that decision and although has had counselling herself, isn't emotionally mature enough to understand why (please don't comment about the affair if you have negative thing to say, it was the hardest decision i've ever had to make and didn't do it lightly). Things came to a head 8 weeks ago and my daughter ran away, she is now staying at my mothers house who is refusing to send her home (she also hates my husband) the day she left I had heatstroke and couldn't stop her leaving (admitted to hospital 2 hours later) so i asked her step-father to lock the doors and try to talk to her. This clearly didn't work and she called the police. Before they arrived she managed to get out of the house and go to my mums. The police advised to leave her there over night for everything to calm down and talk to her in the morning....so here i am 8 weeks later and she's still refusing to talk to me. I am in so much emotional pain again and feel like i'm being ripped apart, all i get from my mother is "if he wasn't there, she'd be back". I've been to the school and they've been helpful but i haven't heard anything back yet and i've also got an appointment with a solicitor. Is there anything else i can do?? I miss her so much it's destroying me sad

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