DH's dd, 16, won't see him, but keeps asking for money

(75 Posts)
dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 11:13:35

back story: when DH split with XW, his exW made it very difficult for him to see DSD who was 10 at the time. every time he tried to get in touch, he was told DSD did not want to see him, and to get out of their lives etc, that it would just upset DSD him being in touch. so DH backed off a bit but still sent occasional emails, plus birthday / xmas presents but never heard anything back, other than the very occasional message telling him to fuck off etc. and of course he has been paying XW a decent amount of maintenance the whole time as well.
we have been married 3 years, have a DD together who is four, and we are expecting another DC in april. DSD has never met DD
also, i will be straight with you all here, i know i risk a flaming as OWs are hated on here. but i was the OW. if it makes any difference, it was only for about a month and then DH left his XW. i regret every day how we got together, its not an excuse but i was young and immature and if i was in the same position i would never go near a married man. but at the same time it was not just a fling, we actually fell in love, and we are still really happy together and still very much in love.

after all this time, DSD finally got in touch with DH about a year ago, a short email just asking for some money, he was really happy that she had got in touch and replied straight away saying yes of course, asking how she was etc. he got no reply back. so he put the money in her account anyway.

this is happening every couple of weeks now, the emails are short and abrupt, and not very polite, no please / thank you etc. we cant really afford it. but we dont want to NOT give her the money in case she stops being in contact, and in case it gives her more fuel to hate dh. the last few months, each time she has emailed, dh has asked to meet her, to take her shopping or for lunch so he can give her the money, and she has just ignored the question. she works btw.

we feel like she is just using us for money, DH really wants to try to rebuild the relationship with her, and i would love to have her in our lives, no matter what. i am also worried as at some point he will need to tell her that we are having another baby, and that will go down like a lead balloon i am sure sad

theredhen Tue 24-Sep-13 11:57:21

Whilst it might be understandable she's upset and angry, I do think just giving her the money is not helping one bit.

You are teaching her that dad is just there to be used.

If you stop giving her the money, what will your dh really lose? He has no relationship with this girl not because he hasn't tried but because she doesn't want to.

He should carry on trying to contact her but he shouldn't be blackmailed.

Kaluki Tue 24-Sep-13 12:56:12

I agree. It will never end if he continues to give her the money every time she asks for it.
He should tell her that he loves her, that she has a little sister and a new sibling on the way who would love to meet her but no more money.
At 16 she should be able to understand that.

dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 13:03:18

thing is we don't mind giving her money. if it was a normal situation and she spent time with dh/us as a family we would treat her and buy her things like we do the other dcs

its the mercenary way she goes about it that makes me sad

i wish she would see him, he is a brilliant dad and he loves her, and i am sure she knows it deep down. i have seen it with my own eyes. but anyone would think he was some kind of monster the way he has been treated over the years

i also feel awful for my own DD and unborn baby that they might not ever know their sister and it will be mine and dh's fault.

lunar1 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:46:36

I'm going to sound like a real cow here but I have been in a similar situation as a child and will tell you my Perspective at the time.

My mum made things difficult for my
Dad to see us, dad gave up without too much of a fight. While your dh has made a little more effort than my dad, he still doesn't sound like he fought for her.

She was 10, if her mum didn't pass things in she won't have got them. He could have gone to court to see her.

By 16 I'd given up on my dad as a complete waste of space, if I could have used him for a bit of extra money I probably would have.

Maybe if he wants to rebuild things he could arrange to take her for lunch, and he two of them can work on it from there. You will soon see then if she wants to reconnect with him or not. I have to say though I feel sorry for her, both her parents have let her down.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Sep-13 13:50:53

You say he's a brilliant dad. He certainly wasn't to her. He went off with you when she was at the oldest 12. That's not a brilliant dad. She is very young I can see why she's like she is. He treated her and hero they shockingly. Maybe she's still hurting and doing the same back. Poor kid.

SavoyCabbage Tue 24-Sep-13 13:58:13

I agree. Why didn't he go to court to get access to her? My dd is 10 and I can't imagine her losing her dad, who she was living with at the time, and just not seeing him again.

She probably thinks he is a loser and if she can get some money out of him then she might as well.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Sep-13 14:13:34

Hero they = her mother.

dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 14:20:36

sigh

i thought this would happen, although thought step parents might be a bit of a better support than other places on this site

he didnt go to court because he was told by his ex that DD did not want to see him and that his trying to get in touch was just upsetting her more. so he backed off because he was TOLD to. he was respecting his daughters wishes as he thought it was the best way at the time. but yeah, personally i agree he should have gone through the courts.

and yes he "went off with me" it was a shit what he and i did. if a man wants to leave he should leave before meeting someone else. and i regret it, i can't tell you how much i regret it. but its done now and dh and i are just trying to make amends

anyway, why is it always double standards on here, if a woman is unhappy in a relationship, she is advised to leave, but if a man is unhappy (which dh was), he has to stay no matter what hmm

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Sep-13 14:28:12

He didn't have to stay, not at all. Put having an affair shows him for what he is. And yes, poor you and him, reaping what you sowed. The victim in this is the poor kid who's rubbish dad ran off with another woman.

dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 14:38:05

i didnt come on here for judging, i came here for some advice

i know we did wrong, i have said it. i wanted to be honest about the whole story so i admitted to being the OW. i would imagine many women on here have been in my shoes but most darent admit it

so please stop making me feel even more shit

i really am not a horrible person, what i did was horrible but as i said, its done now.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Sep-13 14:44:00

Ok, but don't you see this poor kids actions are a direct result of his and your actions? Thats the main issue here. I think also calling him a wonderful dad was guaranteed to get backs up.

basgetti Tue 24-Sep-13 14:50:20

She probably feels that your DH owes her. From her perspective he went off with another woman, didn't bother seeing her anymore and then replaced her with a new child.

Whatever his ex wife did to frustrate contact at the time, it was his responsibility to step up. He could have gone to court, requested mediation, a whole number of things. I suspect it was easier for him to tell himself it was in the interests of a ten year old child to lose contact with her father, that doesn't make him a brilliant Dad.

dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 14:52:41

yes onesleep of course i realise that, which was why i gave the full story at the beginning

clearly she is still angry and upset. and its completely understandable. but we want to make amends. which is why we keep giving her money when she asks as that seems to be the only thing she will let him do for her at the moment

i still think its double standards though, a man leaves and he is the worst bastard on the face of the planet. yet a woman leaves a shit relationship and she is brave and strong etc. its because when a man leaves he is seen to "leave his family" ie children, but the fact is in most cases the woman gets the lions share of the custody so she is not seen in that way.

brdgrl Tue 24-Sep-13 14:54:55

This 'poor kids actions' are most likely the result of a great many things.

Whether she feels her dad owes her cash or not, he doesn't.

I can't see that giving her money in this manner will do anything whatsoever to improve the situation. You're being used.

brdgrl Tue 24-Sep-13 14:56:26

You cannot make amends for the breakup of her parents' marriage by giving her money. Seriously. Stop. If your DH continues in this vein, he is actually letting her down quite badly, again, in a different sort of way.

basgetti Tue 24-Sep-13 14:57:25

Dirtyface if a woman posted on MN that she had an affair and didn't see her DC anymore she would be flamed. It isn't the leaving that is looked upon badly. Anyone is entitled to leave an unhappy relationship. It is the lying and cheating. And, in your DH's case the complete withdrawal from his child afterwards.

And if you truly felt bad about what you had done you wouldn't be trying to justify it by raging about double standards.

dirtyface Tue 24-Sep-13 14:57:43

basgetti he didnt "tell himself" it was in her best interests to back off, that is what he was TOLD by her mother.
so whilst still continuing to pay maintenance plus occasional contacts keeping things light he backed off exactly as he was asked to. all the time hoping that she would change her mind and making it clear he was there when DSD was ready.

so i dont call that "not bothering to see her" - it wasn't like that at all, he WANTED to.

as i said, i personally think he should have gone to court, but as he is her dad i thought he knew her best and what would be best for her

Dumpylump Tue 24-Sep-13 14:58:00

Not saying it would have made a difference in the end...but is it really that easy to go to court and then make a 10 (or possibly 11 year old by the time it got sorted out) child go to their dads if they don't want to?
I don't think you should just keep putting money into her account every time she asks.
But every time she asks for money her dad should suggest meeting for lunch, or a coffee, or something. With time, she will hopefully agree, and the two of them can take it from there.

AmberLeaf Tue 24-Sep-13 15:04:54

its the mercenary way she goes about it that makes me sad

She is understandably angry at her dad.

i wish she would see him, he is a brilliant dad and he loves her, and i am sure she knows it deep down. i have seen it with my own eyes. but anyone would think he was some kind of monster the way he has been treated over the years

I think she quite possibly doesn't know it deep down, she [in her young mind] has been given reason by your DH to doubt that fact hasn't she?

Is it really about how badly your DH has been treated?

I am not judging/commenting the circumstances of how you and your DH got together, but it is relevant to how your DSD is feeling and acting now, more to the point, how your DH has behaved since he left his EXW re access and not pushing for it.

Throwing money at her is not the way forward.

I think your DH needs to accept that his actions have caused this and deal with repairing the damage. She will probably be resistant, but he has to try no matter how difficult facing what he has created may be.

Congratulations on your pregancy too smile

AmberLeaf Tue 24-Sep-13 15:05:19

*prenaNcy

Dededum Tue 24-Sep-13 15:16:17

How about agree on an amount that you are happy with ie: monthly allowance, tell her that you will pay into her bank account every month and set up a direct debit. That way she doesn't have to humilate herself, she feels valued because you are asking for nothing in return. Then back off and let her come to him when she is ready.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 24-Sep-13 15:25:20

I always think its incredibly unfair (although possibly understandable) that a parent who has been cheated on is never held accountable for burdening their DC with the knowledge that one of their parents cheated.

My marriage didn't end as the result of an affair, and DD doesn't know why her Dad and I split up. If I decided to tell her the reasons why and expose a side of her Dad that she doesn't need to know about, I would be rightfully criticised. Yet, a parent whose spouse has cheated is justified oh, DCs aren't stupid is the oft used phrase, but a breakup is a breakup whatever the reason.

What I'm getting to is that the daughter in the OP has been failed by both her parents. When the marriage broke down, her mum behaved badly, and her Dad failed to address that.
My advice would be that the OP disengages, doesn't fund the demands made by her DPs daughter herself and accepts that her DP may never reunite with her - but that she has absolutely no influence over that.

lunar1 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:30:32

That's a really good idea about the allowance, it is a perfectly normal father/daughter dynamic.

What does she say when he tries to arrange to see her? The way he approaches this could make a huge difference. Is he asking for 1:1 time initially or asking her to join in your with your family?

I second the pocket money monthly and then no more money. My DD is 16 she never calls my ex unless she wants money, but on the other hand he never calls her either, never asks her to go out to lunch/dinner with him as he does with our older DS. I have always encouraged her to see him but as she says he doesn't make an effort so why should she. I don't get involved with their relationship now as its nothing to do with me, I never see him and he has never paid any money for them. Does her mum know she is doing this? teenagers are crafty she is probably getting money of her mum and telling her the dad wont give her any.

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