Dh feeling guilty for saying 'no' to dd.

(11 Posts)
Marne Mon 23-Sep-13 14:02:35

Dh's ex just text him to ask if he would pay for singing lessons for his dd, she had promised singing lessons but then realised she had to pay for the term and not weekly and can not afford it (tbh she probably could not afford weekly). We cant afford it (we do have the money but not really to spare for singing lessons). Also I had already discussed this with dsd a while ago, I explained that I could not afford music lessons for my dd so would not be able to afford singing lessons and she seemed fine about this. So dh has said 'no' and is now feeling guilty. Has he done the right thing? We already payed £130 for school uniform last month and we pay for school trips, dh also pays maintenance.

Mueslimorning Mon 23-Sep-13 14:18:13

Hope your dh does not feel guilty for too long. It has happened in our house that dh and I would agree to a fair amount of financial assistance above and beyond maintenance and then a week later I'd find out that dh had forgotten what we agreed on...
It's not so much the short term goals (spending spare money etc) you need to work on, it's the long term goals (I.e. My dp and I need to agree on family related topics, no maverick decisions allowed).
An why would you as a family unit make things possible for dsd and not dd? I'm pretty sure you'd be feeling a bit guilty if you insisted dd gets whatever she or you want and dsd would feel left out? Fairness is important here too.

Marne Mon 23-Sep-13 14:25:28

Thank you Muesli, you have made me feel a bit better (I was feeling guilty for making dh say 'no'), dd1 had piano lessons for 1 term but then we could not really afford it and she was getting fed up with it, she then asked a few weeks ago if she could go back to having lessons and I said 'no', my other dd2 has ASD and loves music (plays piano and drums by ear), I would love for her to have lessons or music therapy but we can no afford this (I have explained this to dsd, I know she is 14 and probably doesn't quite understand). It would be different if it was something she needed of something that would help her out (extra maths lessons or a school trip) but I don't thing we (or her mother) is in a financial position to be paying £150 a term for singing lessons.

I do feel guilty as she does go without a lot of things and has not had a easy life at home but we just cant afford to pay that much sad.

purpleroses Mon 23-Sep-13 15:15:10

Is there a school choir or anything you could suggest she joins instead? There's lots of ways to get pleasure from singing, and to improve, without necessarily forking out lots of money on lessons.

Marne Mon 23-Sep-13 15:41:40

She's in the choir purple, we payed for her to go to the Royal Albert Hall a few months ago so she could sing with the school choir. I think a lot of it is because a few people has said 'she has a good voice but would be better with lessons' (including her mum and her choir teacher), I think she see's herself wining x factor grin but really she is not that good (just average), I think most 14 year olds have dreams of being famous, sadly i'm not willing to pay for 100's of lessons in hope she can one day be famous grin.

The one thing it would do would be improve her confidence but i'm sure there are other (less expensive) ways of doing that?

purpleroses Mon 23-Sep-13 15:43:10

Is it possible for her to have just a few lessons? I had a few myself once, when a choir paid for them - just 3 or 4 lessons can help quite a bit with technique, without costing too much. Maybe a split between your DP, her mum and DSD herself (via babysitting, etc) if she's really keen?

Marne Mon 23-Sep-13 16:06:39

Apparently not at school but she could get someone to come to the house (I have mentioned this to dh) but I think she wants to have them at school.

needaholidaynow Mon 23-Sep-13 16:13:44

Ah tell him not to be so hard on himself! Me and my DP couldn't afford for DSD to do Spanish lessons (after school thing).

UC Mon 23-Sep-13 16:30:54

Give her a set of 6 lessons for Christmas? Or birthday?

crazykat Mon 23-Sep-13 16:38:15

He shouldn't be feeling guilty for saying no. If you could afford it or were paying for your other DD to do something similar it would be different.

There's a lot of guilt about non-resident children, DH used to be the same about dance lessons for DSD. We couldn't afford it so had to say no, it's just how it is. Just like we can't afford dance lessons for our DD1 so she can't have them.

Marne Mon 23-Sep-13 17:24:35

It is her birthday next month and we have offered to give her money that she can put towards lessons (she will also get money from other family members). I might be wrong but i'm sure a lot of it is competing with friends (which is why she wants the lessons at school and not at home), I think she struggles with friendships at school, a few months ago she asked me if she could have a party for her birthday to impress her friends (we had to say no to this as it was a crazy idea), she does enjoy singing but she enjoys lots of other things too (she's very academic and loves art, baking etc...) so its not as though its the only thing she likes.

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