Hi there. I know I post sporadically, and I’m sorry about that – do try and catch up here and should do it more.
I guess I just need a place to vent really, as I feel like I’m reaching the end of my tether. I am so tired of my life being so affected by someone who should play no part in it. And I realise that some exes are totally reasonable, and, at times, my DH’s ex can be, but I’m sick of having our weekend plans altered the day or two before we’re due to have my husband’s son by his ex. This has happened the last two times and, the last time my husband dropped his son off, his ex kept DH at her place for an hour ranting about school stuff (not specifically to do with his son, so you know) meaning our plans for the evening went out the window. Now, I know my husband should have interceded and said he’d talk to her again soon (as he was seeing her at an event at school the next day), and I did tackle him about this when he came home, but still I guess I just feel it shows she has no acceptance of the fact he has other commitments, and he’s lax in giving her that message too.
When we have to change weekend arrangements, we give her as much notice as possible, and I wish we’d get the same back. The latest change involves something that happens every year at this time, so it's not like we couldn't have known about this before. As it is, I feel that she treats my husband with such disrespect and he allows her to do it! I actually had some firm words with him today about setting boundaries and stuff, as I feel that her attitude is starting to rub off on his son as well. Of course, this would mean consequences etc, but I think that’s necessary otherwise where will it all end?
There’s a family event coming up in the next few weeks, and we’re still not sure when we can pick up DH’s son because the ex has to make arrangements with school (she is the only one who can request an absence, and school are okay with her doing this, as we’re not in the UK) but hasn’t done it yet, despite being given plenty of notice etc.; other family members need to know when to expect us as well for sleeping arrangements and stuff too, and they would like to know beforehand. Anyway, these arrangements specifically affect me (as I'm going to be driving a few hours to get my DH's son to where he needs to be, depending on what is agreed). I think I’m as important as anyone else in the family, and that we should be firm about knowing soon, or having to make other arrangements. The response I got back was: I’m not going to make changes that would affect my son in any way that might upset him. Now, I understand that, as a parent, you want your kids to have the best, but surely sometimes being firm is also required? As it is, I feel like I can be inconvenienced as much as necessary as long as it means no one else is, and I’m afraid that got me down a bit.
Any words of how to see the bright side here? I’m trying to detach as much as possible, and I think I will have to start just not engaging when he complains about his ex, as he continues to do the same thing over and over, but I also don’t want to appear heartless. I guess, in the end, that’s how I’m going to appear anyway, but any wise words would be lovely of how to handle this continuing issue of plans altering last minute and boundaries.
Yes, I think your DP could just stay in the car and leave his DS to get out and into his mum's car alone. Maybe leave the engine on.
He does need to leave the door open to her to talk about DSS - but by avoiding getting accosted for conversations on the drop off he should be able to get those conversations to take place at a time that suits him better.