Is this relationship worth all this?

(23 Posts)
myusername111 Sun 15-Sep-13 10:35:54

I have already run this by friends (as us ladies do) but would love the opinions from you lovely mumsnetters please.
A bit of back ground...
My OH has access on Weekends from Saturday to Sunday. Over the summer its been Friday to Monday. I personally think it should be Friday to Monday to allow him some quality time together but not possible. Ex has been a nightmare about me from day 1 but after solicitors & mediation he now has regular and consistent contact. I know I pushed things along regarding this as he was very reluctant to do it.
Anyway she is unbelievably manipulative but that is another story. As you ladies can appreciate its been a hectic summer and he said he wasn't sure if he should continue the Friday night contact, I said go ahead I don't mind but tell the csa (he has been paying full whack until I nagged him about it) and we will shuffle things round between the 2 houses we have in order to accommodate. Anyway said he wasn't sure so no more was said.
Earlier on in the week I said my DD was away this weekend and shall we have Friday on our own? Its been ages and we really need it! He enthusiastically agreed. Texts me the next day to say 'so I won't be seeing G on Friday then? I didn't think he was and you said its not permanent blah blah. Oh no its not just saying.
Anyway picked up this 'vibe' ALL week but put it to the back of my mind he said he was looking forward to it too etc. Great night at his on Friday both saying how much we needed some alone time and how we can have some breakfast before kids come back etc. Goes to bed but woken by his phone at 10am by his ex at his door with his child. She wasn't due til the afternoon and he swears he didn't arrange it.
Would you expect him to say something along the lines of 'Oh thought you weren't bringing her til later?'
'Did we say 10?'
'Would have appreciated some notice?'
He said absolutely F all!! Our little romantic break had been spoilt by her again, my feelings were hurt but nothing was said he just took the child listened about how she was on another lot of medicines (again thats another story)!! He is so scared of her and won't admit it he is a doormat except with me. I asked him why he didn't say anything....because I had just woke up was his answer. Then as usual he started kicking off and carrying on with me saying I spoil every weekend so I left and haven't heard from him since. This is nothing unusual for him to sulk for days but I am sick of it.
What would you do?

needaholidaynow Sun 15-Sep-13 13:27:13

A couple of years ago I would have told you to stick it out. That's his daughter blah blah blah.

But now I would say that he is taking it all out on the wrong person. You shouldn't have to put up with him accusing you for "ruining every weekend". His frustrations should be directed at his ex for turning up like that when the arrangements were clearly not to come up in the morning.

How long have you both been together?

MsColour Sun 15-Sep-13 14:11:13

To be fair to him, if he had said anything about the time in front of his dd then that would have made it sound like he didn't want her and in the end she comes first.

I think the issue is more to do with how you communicate with each other and sounds like it's not working.

Mueslimorning Sun 15-Sep-13 14:48:31

Myuser, this is my story:
4 years ago dh (2dc) and I (1dc) set up home together, and he was v much letting ex dictate matters in our home and she walked all,over him, time wise, financially, you name it. Eventually he manned up a bit grew balls and spine and our schedule and timing were coordinated to also suit my needs (I.e. my opinion was asked about 2 years in), but dh will never have the nerve to face this woman head on, ever!
Dss now lives with us 50:50 and no longer pays maintenance for this child, BUT although we agreed ex pays for sundry expenses at her home from state child allowance (v high I think in country we live in, about 200 euros/ month) + tax breaks, dh still pays half of everything ex wants for dss (wants, not needs).
We get dss everything he needs at our place, including paying for whatever entertainment, hobby, course, etc.
I would understand and add support myself if ex were hurting in any way. The opposite is true, we are a poor household in comparison (not that we mind). She has great income (wealthy family, so will never be at a loss for connections to good jobs either... I'm not trying to be mean here, but she and her folks are rolling in it... Absolutely no reason to be so penny pinching).
Sorry, rambling. Just don't be tempted to think that time is the only issue in a blended family. If ex wants to be difficult, the issues can easily be expanded, and you will always be in second place, after all she can use her kids as a shield for any form of criticism, what shield do you have to protect yourself with against dp's misdirected ire?

mynewpassion Sun 15-Sep-13 17:15:16

What does the contact order say?

myusername111 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:23:46

Thank you ladies much love x x
2 years we have been together and I still don't have a commitment we aren't even living together properly just separate houses. He says all the time he doesn't want to lose me blah blah blah but does nothing about it! He is like a drug addict with the child and its not healthy for anyone. He gets really depressed when she goes but thats not healthy either.
I know I sound like a right B but I am very sympathetic to his plight but taking things out on me is not acceptable when all I have done is support him and pro actively encourage him to have more time with her!!
He never thinks he has done anything wrong and NEVER says he is sorry!!
Seems to me he just wants it all his own way and the more contact time he has the better he will feel and the guilt will lessen for not being there all the time. Although this has the opposite effect! If H was truly putting her first he would be more concerned why she is never at school, full of bruises and takes a shed full of medicines for 'symptoms' he has never personally witnessed.
Something does not sit right with me and I don't know what it is. I really don't want to pack this relationship in but cannot carry on like this its making me ill x

myusername111 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:26:31

No contact order just mediation agreement mynewpassion x

Kaluki Mon 16-Sep-13 12:04:29

I hate to say it but if after 2 years he isn't putting your relationship first and committing to living with you then he probably never will.
Personally I would walk away.
sad

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 16-Sep-13 12:17:18

My dhs ex did exactly this with dropping the children off really early in the morning when it wasnt suppose to be until 12pm.

I hadnt known dh very long, and it was the first time i had stayed over.

To be perfectly honest if life is stressful because of the ex, then i would walk away.

Dhs ex used to stress me out, and i became depressed because of her in the end.

Now we have no contact. He hasnt had any contact with his children for 12 months.

It was that, or i would leave and he would have a life of hell because of his ex.

Beamur Mon 16-Sep-13 12:32:17

Sorry if I've read this wrong, but it sounds as if your DP knew the child was coming despite being keen to spend the time with you.
Really difficult to advise. I think your DP and his child could benefit from your influence, as you seem to be keen to ensure they have contact and are obviously concerned about her welfare.
But, this would be at some cost to you. Which I think you are realising, so you're right to have a hard think about whether you really want to live like this.
Personally, my DP and his ex have always been fairly flexible about changing arrangements but it has been reciprocal. Where this is not the case and you have difficult relationships it can be the source of immense resentment.
If you decide to stay then you may have to adjust to plans being changed at short notice, but you and your DP need to be supportive of each other and consider what the best interests of the child are.
I have step kids and my own child too and I'm of the opinion that if DP and I split up, my childs needs would always come above any partners anyway.

Petal02 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:03:19

Beamur - it sounds like you're suggesting the OP should stay, but only if she doesn't mind being treated like a second class citizen?

BarbarianMum Mon 16-Sep-13 14:29:47

<<If H was truly putting her first he would be more concerned why she is never at school, full of bruises and takes a shed full of medicines for 'symptoms' he has never personally witnessed.>>

That sounds like she is being abused. Is that what you are saying?

Beamur Mon 16-Sep-13 14:47:42

Petal02 - no, although I was trying to tread the line that as a step parent you often do have to make compromises that you don't think of as such with your own children and you have to be able to accept that - within limits.
I guess what I was trying to imagine, for example, if you planned an evening with your partner - with your child being looked after by a grandparent, and they turn up out of the blue and hand the child back - whilst you might have grounds to be annoyed with the GP, it's not such a big deal - but as a step parent, it's all bound up with other reactions and feelings - annoyance with the other parent, resenting the child etc, and it's not easy, so you do have to consider whether to can and want to cope with that, possibly in an ongoing and acrimonious situation.
My DP would have (and still is) perfectly happy for his kids to be here any time day or night, and missed them all the time they were with their Mum. He never set out to be a part time parent. They are welcome to turn up at our house (which is also their home) at any time.
My DP and his Ex have had a mature, sensible split and I have lovely well balanced step kids, but I do ask myself sometimes if I had any idea what I was really signing up to, did I do the right thing (for me).
Step-parenting (IMO) asks you to be (almost) as selfless as you are with your own children, but frankly with less of the payback and love.

myusername111 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:23:28

I am still unsure of whether he arranged it or not but he has done things like this a couple of times before so the jurys still out on that. To my mind I can handle the ex and all her attempts to cause trouble (and there has been a fair few). I can handle the fact that I have to sacrifice so much of myself to accommodate someone elses children (I quite enjoy being a mum so someone elses kids come easy iyswim?). What I cannot handle is her controlling his relationship and contact time because that means she is controlling me. I have told him before that when he consults me about extra days he wants he is not asking my permission but considering my feelings as its my weekend too. I cannot handle her blatant attempts to sabotage things with us and him so far in the sand he refuses to even acknowledge she is like this. To my mind he borderline defends her and attacks me so he avoids the real issues!! Maybe I have this all wrong but isn't that what grown ups do? Discuss things?
I do not think she is deliberately being harmed but we both think there is a certain amount of neglect going on. She tells us things that go on at home and sometimes its hard to define whats truth and whats fiction as kids fib. He never mentions it to mum at all none of it. Doesn't have to be a battle does it? But could be mentioned in passing? Medication wise it concerns us both that she takes so much. Someone I know in the medical world is a bit concerned and has said if mum is telling a good story then thats why she is slipping under the radar.
I don't resent the child at all, even when she repeats nasty stuff her mum has said but I can tell you I resent him right now. His past is ruining my life.............because he is letting it.
I have normally relented and texted by now but haven't. He texted this morning to say he would put some money he owes me in my account. I personally think thats so he can start contacting me.

Ah what a mess absolutely at a loss but I know I cannot go back and pretend this hasn't happened. sad

Beamur Mon 16-Sep-13 16:35:17

Ok, I think I see better now where you're coming from - and agree with you. The 'problem' is with your DP and how he is handling (or not handling) his relationships. It's not even really about his DD at all is it? - it is a fundamental respect for you that he needs to show. I totally agree that when negotiating days with his Ex that your needs also need to be factored into that. My DP and I didn't fall out over that, but I think it took him a while to see why I needed to be asked too.
Can you see a way ahead with your DP?

myusername111 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:50:27

No not about her at all you are right. If I say we need some time alone he translates that as you don't want my kid around. When the actual truth is I don't even want my own around when we need alone time lol. I don't know what to do next to be honest. Part of me is thinking I can't be bothered and to just leave it and get on with my life. Part of me thinks I owe to us to try and discuss things. But whats the point if it won't get me anywhere? My friend says to sit him down and tell him all this again as men are a bit slow on the uptake or ignorant or both. Someone else said get on with your life it might be the shock he needs. Before this I was always the peacemaker and contacting him to 'make up' whereas I haven't this time.
I do want to be with him as we have a brilliant relationship bar this but I want to step it up a gear ie moving in etc and like I said he still not done what he needs to do.

myusername111 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:51:23

P.S. I never want alone time on his scheduled visitation days so he can't accuse me of sabotage but he still does.

Mueslimorning Mon 16-Sep-13 17:07:22

OP, I also thought dh was brilliant except for,handling ex and always putting himself and dsc first... Then I kind of thought that a really brilliant dh would be brilliant to me all the time, and not just when it suits him. So now we are in couple counseling and it turns out dh isn't so d after all.
But at least I can deal with the real h and not have the issues clouded with non existing d- ness confused

myusername111 Mon 16-Sep-13 17:16:42

Well I thought about counselling and asking him to do that with me...maybe I will. To be honest I think he needs counselling anyway for past issues and I truly believe he is a bit of an arse but the past issues make him a bigger arse. If he had counselling it would teach him how to be assertive and not aggressive.
Its a shame for both out OH's because this could so easily be sorted. sad

Mueslimorning Mon 16-Sep-13 17:39:07

I hear you!

Beamur Mon 16-Sep-13 18:23:54

My DP was not quite as bad as you've described yours - but I did get a bit of sulking and moodiness when he thought I was being mean about the kids - I wasn't being deliberately mean, but some things we just couldn't have the same view on. Plus, I didn't have kids myself at that point and with hindsight was quite naive with some of my expectations. I stuck with him (and he with me), as he is generally a good person and over the time we've been together we have talked about the issues and have moved forward together and (mostly) in harmony.
If your DP can see there is a problem and have a willingness to change the negative behaviours then I think you've a chance to work it out, but if not, and he expects you to always make the peace then perhaps this is not best for you in the long run.

myusername111 Tue 17-Sep-13 22:28:49

Off to bite the bullet and try and start the talking through process.
Wish me luck ladies lol x x

TheMumsRush Thu 21-Nov-13 09:34:34

How did it go op? Are things better?

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