New Boyfriend and his situation

(18 Posts)
Belle1984 Sat 07-Sep-13 16:23:58

Hi All

I posted this in chat but someone said it might be better in here.

Ok background I have been seeing my new bf for five months he has a 10 month old daughter and has been divorced for 12 months. Yip people the math doesn't paint him in a good light. Him and his ex wife had a ons resulting in his wee girl.

Five months in and he is wanting me to meet his DD I think it's because he wants me to see that he is serious about me and maybe down to the fact that I said his past doesn't paint him in a good light. He also said that because he works shifts (police officer 6 on 4off) he would like to spend time with the both off us. I'm happy with the arrangement that I see him when he doesn't have her so 2 days a week and after his shifts etc.

I feel that it is maybe a bit soon. I'm also trying to see it from his ex w point of view but she has came out with things like I'm not allowed to be in the same room as their dd because I need a crb check ect.

He is a lovely man sweet, hard working and treats me like a princess and I really like him maybe more than I really should at 5 months in but you can't help who you fall for.

So I think what I'm asking is

Is 5 months too soon? When do you think I should meet her?

I have offered to give his ex my mobile number and email or her to ask any questions about me do you think that was the right thing?

I just want to be a good GF with out pissing off the ex but I don't want to get to ahead of myself so any advice would be great

Thanks

Belle xx

RinseAndRepeat Sat 07-Sep-13 18:07:42

Not necessarily too soon. It depends how you feel about the relationship and whether you think it's got long term potential.

I met DSD after I'd been with DP six months. But I was introduced as a friend only. We'd just meet during the day and do something together, then I'd go home. It was another eight months or so before I stayed the night at his place when she was there.

But DSD was three. At 10 months old his DD won't have a clue about the nature of your relationship.

His ex is unreasonable to insist on CRB checks. It sounds a bit silly. Is she going to insist her future boyfriends have CRB checks before coming near her Dd? I doubt it.

In short, it's up to your BF, not you, to sort things with his ex wrt access.

It's not really his ex's business who he introduces DD to beyond making sure that you're not a murderer or psychopath.

Only agree to meet her if you are comfortable with it.

With DP, we were both pretty sure our relationship was going somewhere, so it felt right to meet DSD at the time I did. You sound like you're still s little bit uncertain about this guy and might need a bit more time before you're sure you want to take this serious next step.

needaholidaynow Sat 07-Sep-13 18:25:16

A CRB check??? Let me tell you now OP she is having you on there. If that's the case then you might as well have one done for being around our friends' kids, nieces/nephews/ neighbours kids, etc...

You don't need a CRB check unless you will be working around the little girl.

needaholidaynow Sat 07-Sep-13 18:26:06

*your friends kids

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 07-Sep-13 18:32:28

If you're happy seeing him when he doesn't have his DD then I would tell him there's no rush to move things along and you'll meet her another time. If you we're struggling to find time to meet up then fair enough, it might give you more flexibility, but tbh you run the risk of taking on shared responsibility for her, which can be hard work (hence him wanting to share the load!). Step parenting is not for the faint hearted, so postpone it as long as you can manage!

Belle1984 Sat 07-Sep-13 18:49:18

Thanks for the advice I'm so new to this and I just don't want to upset his ex anymore that she already is.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 07-Sep-13 19:00:41

CRB check??? Let me tell you now OP she is having you on there

There is a scheme - often known as Sarah's Law - where adults who are involved in a child life, such as a parents partner - can be checked by the police. The OPs partner will be able to find out about it, I'm sure.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 07-Sep-13 19:08:27

Here are the details

Belle1984 Sat 07-Sep-13 19:09:29

He said that she is unable to do that (he is a police officer) and I don't think Sarah's Law is in efforce in Scotland.

I am serious about him I would like to think we are going some where. I'm just trying to see what is the best way to handle this for his DD.

RinseAndRepeat Sat 07-Sep-13 19:15:22

Seriously, step parenting is no picnic. If I were you I'd put it off for as long as possible!!

Especially if his ex is being difficult. You don't need that sort of hassle so soon into your relationship. It's still early days. You should be enjoying the fun stuff without having to worry about heavy family drama.

needaholidaynow Sat 07-Sep-13 19:29:04

Oh. I didn't know that.

elliebellys Sat 07-Sep-13 20:05:56

Sorry but why is it the ex is being deemed difficult?. She has every right to know who will be near the child im sure the dad would also want to know bout any new partner of his ex..personally i think it would be good idea to actually get to know her, nd take it from there.

RinseAndRepeat Sat 07-Sep-13 20:56:46

I just got the impression from the OP that the ex is upset by the situation and is being a bit resistant to it. The CRB thing is a bit OTT. I doubt any other step parents on this board were asked to hand over a CRB check when the got together with their partners.

I didn't get the impression things were amicable between the ex and DP's BF. But maybe that's my misinterpretation.

Belle1984 Sat 07-Sep-13 21:24:29

No they aren't and to be fair to her I can see why. He even admits to being very reluctant to be involved with his DD when he first found out but now he is trying to be the best dad he can be.

Like I said I can see us being together for a long time. I think I am trying to please everyone.

elliebellys Sat 07-Sep-13 21:35:22

What might be ott to one person isnt to another,each to there own.i think these crb checks will be compulsory in the future tbh.in a way that might be a good thing..op just take things slowly try to get to know the ex nd hopefully you could all have at least have a good enough relationship for this little girl..

RinseAndRepeat Sat 07-Sep-13 21:47:10

I think it would be sensible to leave them to figure out how to co parent between themselves first before you get involved.

Emotions need to calm down first IMO. If you guys are in it for the long haul then there's really no harm in taking it slowly.

Like I said, once you're a step parent, you're in it up to your neck. So really don't rush in.

Xalla Sun 08-Sep-13 07:42:54

My DH also had his DD after a fling - say a 3ns! I met him when his DD was a few months old. I went through similar stuff with his ex as you're going through - she accused me of being a drug addict, violent, mentally unstable, told my DH that his DD couldn't come to our house until I'd be thoroughly drug checked... you name it.

I didn't want to get involved and while I did meet my DH's DD about 6 months into our relationship, I didn't take on any kind of step-parenting role until after we were married, when she was 2. I was in my mid-twenties when I met my DH and none of my friends really had kids. I found the whole situation quite daunting and was happily in denial about it all for the first few months of our relationship.

The ex was very resistant to me (I think she was hoping my DH would go back to her) but I guess she realised once we'd married that there wasn't going to be much she could do about me and things calmed down. My DSD started doing overnight contact regularly at our home immediately after we were married and progressed to the point where 5 years on, my DH had 50/50 contact. I was very anxious to be the best step-Mum ever and took on a lot of responsibility for my DSD at this point - something I really regret now. It's hard not to though when the child in question is so young and so needy.

Rinse and Repeat has given you great advice; step-parenting is certainly no picnic. Enjoy dating as long as you can!

Belle1984 Sun 08-Sep-13 10:20:43

Thank you all for your advice

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