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Step-parenting

Pseudo-stepson and Christmas. Wwyd? Is this weird ?

28 replies

Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 19:23

I have a DD. She's 11. Her dad has a new partner whose son is 17. He's a great boy, he's brilliant with DD and an all round lovely chap.

So, DD is with her dad for Christmas Day. They are having a family dinner. She will come to me at 8pm-ish. They have been talking about Christmas. They are all going to visit my ex's family on Boxing Day. Stepson doesn't want to go.

So DD told him he could come here.

I don't have a problem with him here on Boxing Day or coming down on Christmas night and staying over. Is it weird to have him here?

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orangeandemons · 31/08/2013 19:24

Well, a bit weird I would think....

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CaptainSweatPants · 31/08/2013 19:26

er yes

it's not up to dd to invite him

he's not yet an adult so should do what he's told!

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Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 19:27

I feel the same. It's not that I have a problem having him here, but it feels weird.

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SamanthaMulder · 31/08/2013 20:15

At 17yo, what's the problem with him staying at his home?

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Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 20:18

Oh I don't have a problem where ever he wants to go. I have no intention of,getting involved in whether or not he's allowed to stay at home. That's really not my business

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happydutchmummy · 31/08/2013 20:30

Hmmm, I'd say that if you're happy to have him round for the evening then mention it to your ex and let him decide if his step son can come to yours, or stay home alone or get dragged along to see the family... definitely don't plan it via your daughter and the 17 year old! Just mention it in passing, say the offer is there for him to stay at yours as an option but no offence work be taken if it's not happening.

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Bagofmashings · 31/08/2013 20:37

Maybe a bit of an unusual situation but if he, his mum and you are all happy with it, why not? I think step family situations can be a bit weird but how lovely for your DD to have her 2 families getting on so well.

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Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 20:39

Thanks happydutchmummy - i shall try to phrase it like that. I don't want my ex or his partner to think I'm trying to interfere. But at the same time, if he wants to come here he'd be very welcome.

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Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 20:40

Sorry bagofmashings I didn't see your post. Suffice to say, I don't get on well as such with my ex, I am ambivalent to him. But his stepson is a real gem and I wouldn't hold my grudges against a child anyway.

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NatashaBee · 31/08/2013 20:42

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Spottypurse · 31/08/2013 20:44

He's lovely. Really lovely. I suppose I will need enough dinner for about twice as many folk if he comes Grin. He really couldn't be a better big brother to DD and is very much a positive to have come out of the whole situation.

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brdgrl · 01/09/2013 00:43

If you are ok with it and his parents are both ok with it, then don't worry about whether it is weird or not. It's nice that the kids get on like that. But you need to discuss it with his parents, because you could easily put your foot in it! Maybe they feel strongly about him seeing his extended family, and that is fair enough.

I do agree that your DD should not have issued an invite like that, and in your shoes I would probably want to speak to her about that.

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Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 06:33

Oh I will be speaking to her. I don think she thought it through - I know she won't have meant anything, but she needs told to talk to me first.

The other thing that is coming up this christmas is me and DP spending the day together at Christmas for the first time. Last year he was with his mum but she has since died so me and him are having Christmas Day together. I'm sure his sister will want to see him, so it's a matter of trying to juggle all that - I'm kind of hoping we will go there on Christmas Day for dinner and then I'll do Christmas dinner on Boxing Day.

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needaholidaynow · 01/09/2013 09:43

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needaholidaynow · 01/09/2013 09:47

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ChinaCupsandSaucers · 01/09/2013 10:45

One thing to consider is they emotional dynamics at play - your DD is physically maturing and may have a bit of a pre-teen crush on her older stepbrother, hence her inviting him without thinking or checking with you!

its worth bearing in mind and ensuring that boundaries are in place.

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Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 10:47

China - I doubt that! But thanks for the warning. There would be "boundaries" in place regardless. I don't really understand what you're getting at, unless your suggesting that they might engage in I appropriate sexual behaviours, which I can assure you wouldn't happen.

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ChinaCupsandSaucers · 01/09/2013 10:57

No, no - not at all!

But, like it or not, at 11 years old your DD will be beginning to experience hormone surges and feelings of attraction in response to certain visual triggers - such as her stepbrother pottering to the bathroom in just his boxer shorts!

It's a very real risk in step-families; my best friend at school was 12 when she had to take the MAP after she and her stepbrother ended up 'experimenting' one evening!.

He may well be a lovely lad and doesn't view her like that at all (after all, to him, she's still a little girl) but he might struggle with a situation in which she makes it clear she thinks of him differently.

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Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 11:00

I don't think she does - she's a very young 11.

But. Phew. My mind was running riot.

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eslteacher · 01/09/2013 11:01

I don't think it would be weird. I love the 'extended' nature of my blended family and it makes me happy that we all get on well. Being an only child with a tiny family myself, I really value all these extra people in my life. If my DSS's stepsister wanted to come to us for part of Xmas I'd be touched. The only thing that would give me pause for thought would be if I thought it would make other family members uncomfortable in any way - I'd want to check that out.

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Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 11:02

Riverboat - that's my thought. I wouldn't want to upset his mum don't care if the ex is annoyed though

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TheGirlFromIpanema · 01/09/2013 11:14

I have ex's new partners children round at mine from time to time. I'm a trustworthy babysitter I suppose Grin

I've encouraged the relationships between my DC and them from when they first met and introduced all dcs far too bloody soon and I think having my 'approval' has helped my DC adjust to the new dynamics more easily.

I know others where their are good relations all round esp. between sets of new/step siblings. I don't think its that unusual.

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Mojavewonderer · 02/09/2013 20:27

I don't see a problem with it as long as all the people involved are ok with it :)

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noddyholder · 02/09/2013 20:29

I think its fine Family is not just what the daily mail says it is Plus its xmas!

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Eliza22 · 05/09/2013 08:53

I thinks it's absolutely fine and you are in such a lovely position, with this young man. As long as all parties are OK about it, just include him and enjoy the day Smile. Thank your lucky stars you're NOT in a position where step/blended families have a constant "oh God, what will Christmas be like, this year?" felling, ten weeks before, because of a step child (now adult) causing havoc every holiday!

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