Pseudo-stepson and Christmas. Wwyd? Is this weird ?

(29 Posts)
Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 19:23:40

I have a DD. She's 11. Her dad has a new partner whose son is 17. He's a great boy, he's brilliant with DD and an all round lovely chap.

So, DD is with her dad for Christmas Day. They are having a family dinner. She will come to me at 8pm-ish. They have been talking about Christmas. They are all going to visit my ex's family on Boxing Day. Stepson doesn't want to go.

So DD told him he could come here.

I don't have a problem with him here on Boxing Day or coming down on Christmas night and staying over. Is it weird to have him here?

orangeandemons Sat 31-Aug-13 19:24:51

Well, a bit weird I would think....

CaptainSweatPants Sat 31-Aug-13 19:26:17

er yes

it's not up to dd to invite him

he's not yet an adult so should do what he's told!

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 19:27:23

I feel the same. It's not that I have a problem having him here, but it feels weird.

SamanthaMulder Sat 31-Aug-13 20:15:07

At 17yo, what's the problem with him staying at his home?

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 20:18:04

Oh I don't have a problem where ever he wants to go. I have no intention of,getting involved in whether or not he's allowed to stay at home. That's really not my business

happydutchmummy Sat 31-Aug-13 20:30:29

Hmmm, I'd say that if you're happy to have him round for the evening then mention it to your ex and let him decide if his step son can come to yours, or stay home alone or get dragged along to see the family... definitely don't plan it via your daughter and the 17 year old! Just mention it in passing, say the offer is there for him to stay at yours as an option but no offence work be taken if it's not happening.

Bagofmashings Sat 31-Aug-13 20:37:29

Maybe a bit of an unusual situation but if he, his mum and you are all happy with it, why not? I think step family situations can be a bit weird but how lovely for your DD to have her 2 families getting on so well.

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 20:39:15

Thanks happydutchmummy - i shall try to phrase it like that. I don't want my ex or his partner to think I'm trying to interfere. But at the same time, if he wants to come here he'd be very welcome.

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 20:40:41

Sorry bagofmashings I didn't see your post. Suffice to say, I don't get on well as such with my ex, I am ambivalent to him. But his stepson is a real gem and I wouldn't hold my grudges against a child anyway.

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 20:42:43

If you're happy with it, why not? I'm sure your daughter will like having him around.

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 20:44:37

He's lovely. Really lovely. I suppose I will need enough dinner for about twice as many folk if he comes grin. He really couldn't be a better big brother to DD and is very much a positive to have come out of the whole situation.

brdgrl Sun 01-Sep-13 00:43:26

If you are ok with it and his parents are both ok with it, then don't worry about whether it is weird or not. It's nice that the kids get on like that. But you need to discuss it with his parents, because you could easily put your foot in it! Maybe they feel strongly about him seeing his extended family, and that is fair enough.

I do agree that your DD should not have issued an invite like that, and in your shoes I would probably want to speak to her about that.

Spottypurse Sun 01-Sep-13 06:33:05

Oh I will be speaking to her. I don think she thought it through - I know she won't have meant anything, but she needs told to talk to me first.

The other thing that is coming up this christmas is me and DP spending the day together at Christmas for the first time. Last year he was with his mum but she has since died so me and him are having Christmas Day together. I'm sure his sister will want to see him, so it's a matter of trying to juggle all that - I'm kind of hoping we will go there on Christmas Day for dinner and then I'll do Christmas dinner on Boxing Day.

needaholidaynow Sun 01-Sep-13 09:43:08

I wouldn't like it but that's just my personal opinion.

I know this is a little bit different, but MIL has said a few times that it would be lovely for me and DP to have DsD's brother (her mum's new baby) over when he's a bit older and then on another day she can have DS1 and DS2.

Errr, no.

needaholidaynow Sun 01-Sep-13 09:47:46

*on another day dsd's mum can have DS1 and DS2.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 01-Sep-13 10:45:24

One thing to consider is they emotional dynamics at play - your DD is physically maturing and may have a bit of a pre-teen crush on her older stepbrother, hence her inviting him without thinking or checking with you!

its worth bearing in mind and ensuring that boundaries are in place.

Spottypurse Sun 01-Sep-13 10:47:48

China - I doubt that! But thanks for the warning. There would be "boundaries" in place regardless. I don't really understand what you're getting at, unless your suggesting that they might engage in I appropriate sexual behaviours, which I can assure you wouldn't happen.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 01-Sep-13 10:57:21

No, no - not at all!

But, like it or not, at 11 years old your DD will be beginning to experience hormone surges and feelings of attraction in response to certain visual triggers - such as her stepbrother pottering to the bathroom in just his boxer shorts!

It's a very real risk in step-families; my best friend at school was 12 when she had to take the MAP after she and her stepbrother ended up 'experimenting' one evening!.

He may well be a lovely lad and doesn't view her like that at all (after all, to him, she's still a little girl) but he might struggle with a situation in which she makes it clear she thinks of him differently.

Spottypurse Sun 01-Sep-13 11:00:04

I don't think she does - she's a very young 11.

But. Phew. My mind was running riot.

riverboat Sun 01-Sep-13 11:01:05

I don't think it would be weird. I love the 'extended' nature of my blended family and it makes me happy that we all get on well. Being an only child with a tiny family myself, I really value all these extra people in my life. If my DSS's stepsister wanted to come to us for part of Xmas I'd be touched. The only thing that would give me pause for thought would be if I thought it would make other family members uncomfortable in any way - I'd want to check that out.

Spottypurse Sun 01-Sep-13 11:02:24

Riverboat - that's my thought. I wouldn't want to upset his mum don't care if the ex is annoyed though

TheGirlFromIpanema Sun 01-Sep-13 11:14:05

I have ex's new partners children round at mine from time to time. I'm a trustworthy babysitter I suppose grin

I've encouraged the relationships between my DC and them from when they first met and introduced all dcs far too bloody soon and I think having my 'approval' has helped my DC adjust to the new dynamics more easily.

I know others where their are good relations all round esp. between sets of new/step siblings. I don't think its that unusual.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 20:27:14

I don't see a problem with it as long as all the people involved are ok with it smile

noddyholder Mon 02-Sep-13 20:29:09

I think its fine Family is not just what the daily mail says it is Plus its xmas!

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