my first :-) dp's third :-/

(26 Posts)
iluvmybump Sat 24-Aug-13 18:13:05

Hello everyone. I have joined this site out of desperation. I have no one to talk to. My partner has two boys (4 and 6) and we're about to have our first we have been together 3 years.. I really really wanted a girl to give my partner something new however we found that we are having a boy. I am excited of course and my bf seems pleased also. But I am very insecure and jealous that he already has been through all toddler years and its going to be nothing different to him. I'm scared incase he doesn't feel the same as I do. Its getting to the point where I don't like it when he takes his oldest to karate or football as I feel I don't want him to do too much with his ds and leave some things for our son when he arrives. Ridiculous I know. I know he loves his sons and I worry because of them it will make my baby less special and won't love our ds cos its his third son. Could anyone please put my mind at ease cos anything my partner says just doesn't sink in.

Sorry to be blunt but I think your being ridiculous, does he love his 2nd child less than his 1st? If the answer is no then you've got nothing to worry about.
I'm sure he will love your child the same as his other 2, the specialness doesn't wear off with subsequent children, every child is special.

louby44 Sat 24-Aug-13 18:23:02

Hi

remember you are pregnant, you are hormonal, sometimes common sense goes out of the window when we're feeling anxious and afraid. It's ok to feel like this.

You DP has chosen YOU to be in his life and to share the care of his boys. The love just spreads, no matter how many children you have.

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? is there a close friend, your mum? that you could talk to.

And, he will be a godsend when the baby arrives, he will know what to do...lol!

Keep posting! When are you due?

Lou

2blessed Sat 24-Aug-13 18:24:12

I'm in a similar situation in that dp has 3 dc and together we have 1. I wasn't anxious in the way you are but I am very aware that my excitement levels when ds does something new or cute are different to dp's. Its just the way it is and I just intend to enjoy my ds.
Dp has said that this is still a new experience for him as a) new partner b) he is older/wiser than when his dcs were born.
Trust your dp in what he says and enjoy your pregnancy.

Trust your dp

AnotherStitchInTime Sat 24-Aug-13 18:32:08

When I had dd1 she was DH's third child, he loves her no less than his older dd and ds.

He still got excited about her firsts and as every child is different there are always plenty of new experiences. Now we have dd2 and he loves her just as much as dd1, she is entirely different in character.

DC3 is on the way so we have to spread the love a bit more, there is more than enough to go around.

FindingSanity Sat 24-Aug-13 19:03:18

I agree with the above posters. When I met DH he already had a DS and a DD. We also have one of each together. Just because he'd already been through it twice before didn't make it anymore less special at all. Each child is a blessing and I'm sure he'll be just as excited to be going through it all as you are.

matana Sun 25-Aug-13 08:20:50

Your ds might like fishing, dancing and playing the piano! Seriously dc are so, so different. I was actually secretly hoping for a girl, even though dh already has 2 girls. And so was he! We somehow thought that girls might be easier because we know what to expect. Anyway we wouldn't have it any other way. Ds is dh's youngest, he is very much the baby of the family and is spoilt rotten by his big sister. The main thing is that he is ours and we are bringing him up our way. I imagine that seeing your dc brought up differently to how you might raise them is very difficult. Your dd is your dh's chance to have huge day to day involvement. I imagine he is hugely excited about that.

welshfirsttimemummy Sun 25-Aug-13 08:21:37

I know exactly how you feel. My DS is 3 months old, and my DH already has a 5 year old DD. I felt just like you - worrying about would he love our DC as mush as DSD, would he get excited at the birth, when he first smiled, etc. And I can honestly say that yes he was super excited about everything. He loves our DS just as much as his DD. Just think, if you had DC2 would you love them any less than DC1? I found that helped me smile good luck

matana Sun 25-Aug-13 08:22:26

Sorry, meant your ds is your dh's chance....

CountryGal13 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:43:32

I was recently in a very similar situation although I was wishing for a boy! (husband has two girls 12 + 16) We had a little girl and I can honestly say that I had nothing to worry about - he's crazy about her and is just as excited as I am about all her little milestones.
I do, deep down, feel a bit sad that he has had children before but I have the most amazing husband so I try to count my blessing rather than focusing on his past that can't be changed.
Congratulations btw. Enjoy it, it's amazing smile x

Mojavewonderer Tue 27-Aug-13 13:05:52

It maybe his third child but its his first with you and that makes it a different kind of special. It'll be lovely to have someone around who knows the ropes and you will feel 100% ok to leave him in charge of the baby. Your step sons need their dad just as much as the new baby will so please stop fretting and enjoy the peace before the baby comes because that'll be the last you get of that.
Good luck.

misspope24 Wed 28-Aug-13 10:36:34

Going through the exact same thoughts and feelings. This is my first so I'm OTT excited and its his second. I am infuriated when he says things like 'Did you know they use a gel when you have an ultrasound scan?' Or when shopping I get 'we will need this, definitely need that, other people will probe get loads of them' as its a constant reminder that this isn't all new and exciting to him. The other day we were out and we were talking girls names for our baby (sex is unknown) and ages ago before we were expecting we were discussing names he and his ex had in mind for their baby, and he suggested a name he had told me he liked with his ex for our baby!! Safe to say I wasn't happy at all. I love my bf to bits, but I wish more than anything this was his first also. I can't bear hearing what his exs pregnancy was like so I literally have no idea what he's experienced. He did suggest we have a 3D scan 'because they are really good and you see more' so I think he had that before. He has his son every other weekend. I really hope he doesn't force his son upon me after giving birth. He needs to respect I'm a new mum, ill need rest and time with my own child at first. His son has his own family that gave his mother space when he arrived.
It's so difficult being in this situation. It's harder on the 'step parent' than it is the parent I believe.

stepmooster Wed 28-Aug-13 11:27:28

You know what, I'm so glad DH had DSS and also 2 other stepkids. It meant we weren't trying to figure out what to do together after the baby was born. DH changed the nappies, winded baby whilst I slept. He helped me learn the cries, has been great through the teething saga and when DD has been ill. He doesn't approach babies like their bombs to be held at arms length.

He taught me how to bath her when I was very nervous and apart from breastfeeding I could trust him to take care of DD from day 1.

So what if your DP knows the drill, he's excited and wants to share his enthusiasm with you.

I don't get this jealousy thing at all.

misspope24 Wed 28-Aug-13 11:50:27

I think as new first time parents we want everything to be perfect. We don't want to be compared or feel second best, let alone having to share your partner with his past, trying to juggle a new born that you are overcome with love with and expect everyone around you to feel the same, this is your number 1 priority and you want the father to feel the same too, plus a child that isn't your own and the mother of that child who looks for anything to have an argument, and all the maternal instincts kicking in- I know when my baby is here I will feel very differently about his son. It'll be temporary while I'm adjusting but I will. I don't want to have a preoccupied father one little bit.
As this baby was a huge shock, we haven't got a mortgage and my job is on a one year contract which ends in August 2014 and my baby will be here in April. We can just afford a 2 bed place. My partner expects the new born to share bedrooms with his son which I disagree with massively. It's not fair on the son to be woken up during the night, not fair on him to not be able to play in there if the new born is asleep during the day... Plus I want to decorate the room very babyish which again isn't fair on him. Partner is moaning his son may have to sleep in the lounge but what can you do? No way can we afford a 3 bed... It's little things like this that make step parenting hard I think.

colditz Wed 28-Aug-13 11:54:37

The baby will have to sleep in your room until it sleeps through the night babies should share a room with mummy intil 6 months anyway.

You can't decorate the room in a babyish way if its an older child's room. Sorry, but it isn't your baby's room, it's currently your step sons room and when your baby moves into it, it will be a shared room.

colditz Wed 28-Aug-13 11:55:35

An I'm afraid the father was preoccupied when you met him.

misspope24 Wed 28-Aug-13 12:04:28

We haven't moved in yet so when we do it'll be the babies room as the baby lives there everyday and his son doesn't.

Kaluki Wed 28-Aug-13 12:23:51

I never understand these threads. Every baby is unique and special, whether it is the first or the tenth!!! So what if one of you has done it before, it means one of you has more experience.
As for not wanting your DP to enjoy things with his older dc so he can save some things for the new baby, isn't this a little selfish?
You can't push the older ones out of the picture - this baby will be their brother or sister and they will have their own bond with him/her.

riverboat Wed 28-Aug-13 19:08:29

Stepmooster - Im completely the same. I don't even know if I want kids, but I love the fact that DP will have no excuses for wheedling out of taking a proactive role with any baby we might have!

I've read enough threads by new mums on here to think that being responsible for a newborn sounds utterly exhausting and terrifying, so would be perfectly happy to let DP, the experienced parent, take control of nappies and bottles while I can relax a bit more without worrying he doesn't know what he's doing...

I also think I wouldn't want more that one child of my own, so am pleased that child would already have a brother in DSS.

I can imagine DP might get my heckles up if he got too bossy in trying to tell me the "right" (ie his) way to do things and I didnt agree. And of course there would be the issues of successfully parenting our child and DSS in a united way. But those are the only negatives for me...I don't get the jealousy thing.

lunar1 Wed 28-Aug-13 19:30:16

Misspope, how long do you want dss kept away for after your baby arrives?

curlew Wed 28-Aug-13 19:39:05

"We haven't moved in yet so when we do it'll be the babies room as the baby lives there everyday and his son doesn't."

And where will the baby's big brother sleep?

brdgrl Wed 28-Aug-13 23:16:23

I do have sympathy for the new mums/mums-to-be, because these aren't unusual feelings, and they are obviously so strong at a time when one feels pretty vulnerable anyway. The thing is, they aren't terribly rational feelings. But they aren't 'wrong', and you aren't selfish for having them. You do have to figure out how to deal with them.

I have begun convinced, after seeing so many of these threads and the information that comes up in subsequent posts, that maybe these feelings are a sort of displacement of other concerns. Something is making these new mums feel insecure about their role, and their children's role, in the family. Now, in a few cases, maybe it is just the case that the new mum is a terribly insecure person. In most cases, though, there may be other things that are feeding that insecurity - not feeling like one has any control over the home environment, not feeling listened to, and of course, feeling endlessly judged by strangers about one's every move as a 'parenting person' in regards to the DSC. I think one thing that many people can't appreciate is how difficult is in to maintain one's confidence within a new stepfamily. Maybe, OP, if you look really hard at the other issues that are bothering you and begin to address those, you will feel better about this (non?)issue.

OP, for what it's worth, in my own experience (two DSCs already when DH and I had our DD), none of this was worth worrying about. My DH could not have been more thrilled with DD, could not have been more devoted to her, and he continues to be surprised by her every day. (Of course, today he was surprised by her saying "so then the fisherman threw it back because it was a fucking fish" - but I digress.) She is her own person, she has bits of DH and bits of me about her, and she is not just a tiny clone of his other children.

I was lucky, maybe, because I could talk to my DH about my own ideas and wishes as a new parent, without him becoming defensive or unpleasant about it. We talked about how decisions would be made, and what we'd do when we didn't agree about something in her upbringing - and also about what I needed from him during the pregnancy and first months. I was not a young mum, and I'd had a lot of experience looking after babies; I also had my own views about how I wanted to manage things like sleep routines, feeding, labour, and so on. And I pretty much told him that I appreciated his previous experience (I did and I do - it made him a very calm new dad, and that helped me and my DD to have a calm beginning), I did not want to hear endlessly about how he'd done things with his previous pregnancies and babies, that I was going to make mistakes and discover things for myself, and I wanted that to be ok. He understood that, and I had a really good experience of new motherhood.

The details about where the baby will sleep and so on - these are a different matter. Of course they need to be worked out, and there are plenty of threads on here already about the bedroom issues that come with having more children (whether all there at once or not) - do read through them.

vaticancameo Wed 28-Aug-13 23:28:48

Misspope, you're pregnant and hormonal, but even so - you are being horrible about your stepson.

He is your baby's brother and just as much your husband's child as your own baby. He has every right to be in your house, as it is his house too, even if he doesn't live there every day. You can't keep him away or have "space" from him any more than you would from your own older children.

How would you feel if you split up from your husband in future, and he met another woman and had a baby with her, and this was how she was talking about your child?

brdgrl Wed 28-Aug-13 23:37:41

You can't keep him away or have "space" from him any more than you would from your own older children.
No, but some people do make arrangements to have 'space' from their older children immediately after the birth, by arranging for their dad to take them out more, or having more childcare with a close relative, etc.

My DSCs grandmother came from another country to stay - a great treat for the kids, by the way - so that DH could be with me in hospital and to take the older kids out, do some of the things DH would normally do for them re: meals etc...make things a bit easier at home with the new baby. I happen to know she did the same thing when second DSC was born.

delilah89 Wed 25-Sep-13 16:50:01

Hiya -
Don't forget that you are (likely) such a different DP/wife/mother to your DP's ex that it makes for a totally different mix (and often a totally different child/upbringing). You're probably not going to do things the same way and as the mum your style can tend to set the style in the early days. So I wouldn't worry -- it's as much about DP learning what it's like to be part of your family as it is you finding out about how he has raised children in the past.
Also don't forget men can often overtalk what they know. Chances are he doesn't know half the stuff you've found out and will truly be learning from you too!
Being a mother is magical and if anything brings out your particularities and quirks of your own parenting style. He'll love it as it'll be an extension of getting to know you. x

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