Cannot bear DSD in our bed

[Stepinstone]

she is 14. Sneaks in during the night. We have discussed this before but can't seem to knock it on the head.

I am NBU about this, am I? I cannot bear it and it feels inappropriate!

[fuzzywuzzy]

I am not a Step mum, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

What does your DH say?

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

14 is a little old for that imo.

[YoniMontana]

I was g

[YoniMontana]

Grr stupid phone! I was going to say YWBU but then saw her age. Does she say why she comes in? Is she having nightmares?

[flowery]

YANBU at that age - thought you were going to say she was under 5 or something.

[lunar1]

What does her dad think?

[EMS23]

I wouldn't like it from my own DC's if they were that age. I can't co sleep with my 2.8yr old, let alone a full size person!

Is she doing it because she's scared?

[PiratePanda]

14 is way too old for this! Clearly though the poor girl has some deep insecurities relating to her dad. Have you thought about a temporary compromise of a futon or mat on the floor, but with the proviso that it really does have to end soon?

[Stepinstone]

I'm not sure that she does have insecurities. She likes the attention I think TBH. She is normally v lovely (during the day!).

Dh doesn't mind. I think he likes that's still affectionate.

I DO NOT LIKE.

[EMS23]

What sort of time is she coming in? Is it middle of the night to sleep or early morning and it signals the beginning of the day?
Have you ever spoken directly to her about it? Would you?

[Stepinstone]

Middle of the night.

I don't really have the sort of relationship with her where we talk about this sort of thing. We get on very well but I'm not any sort of parent figure. She's always been physically bigger than me for a start, which makes that side of things a bit odd!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

This was a non-negotiable for me when DSS was 5, let alone 14!

Your dSD is old enough to be told, by her Dad, that its not going to happen anymore.
If he can't, or won't, tell her that then the problem isn't your DSD it's your DP and yes, I would leave him over this.

[wilkos]

14!! that's ridiculous!

However ridiculous though it will have to be handled with IMMENSE tact and done very gently, and this is definitely one that will have to be handled by your DH with no reference to you whatsoever.

[lottieandmia]

14 is too old to still be doing this, so YANBU imo. 4 would be different!

Is she feeling scared to be on her own for some reason?

[MikeOxard]

Wtf? I would not, in a million years, have a 14 yo in my bed (whether my child or not)! How big is your bed?! Dh needs to say something, that's not on, at all.

[rootypig]

That is so weird. It is also weird that your DH does not think it's weird. Really, really, really weird.

What is the rest of their relationship like?

[VoiceOfRaisin]

I was going to suggest that you move beds when DSD comes in but really that then leaves your DH and DSD in an inappropriate situation. Do you have other younger children who get into bed with you?

Perhaps when she comes in you (or your DH) could turn on all the lights and say brightly "gosh, can't you sleep? Shall we go and make a hot chocolate?" and then take her to the kitchen and chat nicely over cocoa. It will be painful for you the first few times but DSD might then stop as no doubt she doesn't really want to be wide awake in the middle of the night either.

[ElenorRigby]

DD aged 6 often is a bed sneaker.
DSD 10 loves cuddling with dad but only morning

[nkf]

Does she wake you? Or is she just there when you wake? Because if she wakes you, then her dad could send her back to bed. Personally, I think that if she wants to come in during the night, she is articulating a need. And if he uncovered that need and met it during the day, the night visits would probably stop.

[Quickquidqueen]

4 yo ds does this and and I secretly love it! If he is still doing it at 14 I'm getting a bolt fitted!

[brdgrl]

Ridiculous. And needs to stop.
How long has this been going on?
If DH/DP won't stop it, I think you should speak up.
I don't really have the sort of relationship with her where we talk about this sort of thing.
If she is climbing into your bed, in your home, you need to be able to talk to her about this sort of thing. To be blunt - something is wrong if you feel powerless to even directly address the situation.

If your DH isn't going to address it himself (preferable!), then you need to. Although I would also wonder about the rest of the relationship dynamics, if your DH won't address this, what else is he neglecting to deal with?

(My DH and DSD shared the bathroom in the mornings before I realized it was happening and put a stop to it. She was 15.)

[crazykat]

My DSD was like that but she was only 4 and I hated it as I would get kicked to death and I wasn't comfortable with it. TBH I've never let my own DCs do it as I like my own space, sometimes I don't like sharing with DH.

When I was pregnant with DD1 either DH or I would take her back to bed and eventually it worked. I know your DSD is older but the same might work - though it might be tiring at first.

I'd have gone mental if she'd been 14, it's very inappropriate a girl of that age getting into bed with her dad at night. It definitely is your place to tell her if your DH won't, it's as much your house as his. You do need to be tactful though.

[CountryGal13]

When my step daughter was 14 she was 5'8", had size 7 feet and boobs! I would have been totally shocked and freaked out if she had climbed into our bed!

[Stepinstone]

Countrygal: very similar!

Thanks everyone. I didn't think I was BU. I need to have some conversations...