do bio kids get left out?

(63 Posts)
coffeeaddict11 Fri 09-Aug-13 19:09:37

To step mums who have had no children and then had children with their dp..have your children together been left out? Me and my partner are deciding on trying for a child of our own. He has two children in which we have overnight one night a week. Looking at some comments on here it seems like a lot of dads concentrate on their part time kids out of guilt and their dc with their partner get left out?

Petal02 Sun 11-Aug-13 20:03:03

Lunar - just to clarify: when you say "OW", do you mean the woman who broke up your parents marriage, or the partner your Dad got together with after he split from your Mum?

lunar1 Sun 11-Aug-13 20:19:13

By ow I mean the woman he had an affair with, there was such a stream of random women that I have to differentiate some how.

brdgrl Sun 11-Aug-13 20:23:44

Sounds like you had a bad time of it, Lunar. It's nice you've been able to have a decent relationship with your stepsister.

lunar1 Sun 11-Aug-13 20:27:32

I certainly has a character building childhood, funnily the only parent I have any respect for as an adult is my step dad, and he went through hell to because of the way my mum handled everything when they met, and throughout mine and db's childhood.

MadBannersAndCopPorn Sun 11-Aug-13 21:20:46

I have 10yo dsd and 14mo dd. I don't feel as if DD is left out whatsoever.
As someone said upthread, when you have a baby/ toddler and an older child, they have such different needs that you can't compare it, really.

DSD usually goes to the local shop to get sweets when she comes, she takes herself off swimming to the pool (which is a stone's throw away) she has friends over to stay and stays at her friend's. DD can't benefit from those sort of things as she's too young. I must say that DSD is a very easy going child who loves her little sister to bits, she understands they have different needs and will require different care.

With regards to trips, we usually do wait until dsd is here as she gets more benefit from going to museums, theme parks etc
If it's something that DSD has done before e.g. farm parks, zoos, aquariums then we tend to take dd on the weekend when dsd is not here. It means we can do it as playdates with children her own age.

We don't really feel like a full family unless dsd is here too and if there are things happening at the times she's not here, we always ask if she can come e.g. weddings, parties etc

DP loves the girls equally, I don't know if I love DSD (definately not in the same way as DD) but I don't think I need to, she has a mother who loves her like a mum. I act like a parent to her, not a friend and have a parent/ child relationship so I suppose I do love her, but in a different way....

WaitingForMe Sun 11-Aug-13 21:37:55

I also dislike skids and part-time kids. I always use DSSs and early find the need to say they aren't living with us all the time as the nature of the post usually makes that clear.

We do plenty with DS and will throughout his childhood but things do feel a little incomplete when my DSSs aren't with us. We gave their mother loads of notice when we asked to take them to my brothers wedding and it wouldn't be a real family holiday without them.

I think you can create the life you want. DH is a recovering Disney Dad and it was really important to me that my DSSs got told off, made to do chores etc here. We work from home and DH needed to do something while they were here. I coldly told him they'd have to suck it up and entertain themselves (DS and I had plans). He told them to occupy themselves and they did. Then they played with their Nerf guns smile

I like the boys to get a but bored here (think it's good for kids' creativity) and for our house to basically feel like their house. Nobody is perfect but I think we have a pretty good balance. Incidentally we divide my DSSs - DH will often do something like the cinema with DSS1 and DSS2 will spend the afternoon with me and DS. I think it's good not to treat the two DSSs like a unit. They are individuals and need treating as distinctly as DS.

Crownjewel Sun 11-Aug-13 22:19:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow Sun 11-Aug-13 22:37:32

Crownjewel I can see where you are coming from, but how long will it be before his ex finally thinks you're allowed to have a child of your own? She might always try and hold it against your DP weeks, months even years down the line.

But then again, knowing that your child will play second fiddle sounds awful. Having a baby should be a wonderful, happy experience. But when you do decide to start TTC again and you do have a little baby, if she stomps her feet then let her. She can't have a hold on your lives forever. smile

Crownjewel Sun 11-Aug-13 23:20:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xalla Mon 12-Aug-13 06:26:59

I have a DSD7, DS5 and a DD2. I think in the early days before DS was a toddler, we DID tend to arrange fun things on the weekends when DSD was staying with DH but as DS got older, we realised how unfair that was and we don't do it anymore.

If anything actually these days sometimes I feel DSD is left out at weekends; DS has a much more active social life than she does and is always as parties and friends' houses whereas she isn't as social. He's also involved in more out-of-school activities so he tends to be quite involved in those which I think works out well for DSD; on the weekends when DSD is with us I tend to be ferrying him around which leaves DSD to have one-to-one time with my DH. I do believe making sure your bio-kids have plenty going in their own lives regularly when the SC aren't with you is helpful; then the dynamic doesn't change for them so much when the SC arrive.

It used to be the case that we organised our holidays around when DSD was with us but we don't do that anymore; my DH takes it turns to have DSD for the half terms so he has Oct, Mum has Feb, he has May, Mum has Oct etc. 3 years ago we started going skiing with a group of friends in the Feb half term so we go every February regardless of whether it's DH's turn to have DSD. Why wouldn't we? She spends the week with her Mum doing fun things of her own. I admit we felt a bit guilty about it the first time we did it but I don't anymore.

I have to say though, my DH is not a Disney Dad. He treats all of his kids the same; disciplines them the same, has the same expectations of them etc. If he didn't, life would be very difficult especially as our own kids are so close in age to my DSD. From the very beginning he decided when DSD came to stay, the red carpet would not be rolled out and she'd be expected to slot into the family just as our 'full-time' kids did. (I don't have a problem with the phrases 'skids' or 'part-time' btw)!

I think the other thing that makes things easier for us is that DH has always had a very decent level of contact; he has DSD 50% of the time at the moment which means she very clearly believes she has two equal homes. I can see things would be more difficult if DH had her infrequently; it would probably be difficult not to roll the red carpet out fi that was the case.

MadBannersAndCopPorn Mon 12-Aug-13 20:46:18

Maybe if your SC are lucky enough to have two sets of parents that are both on the same wavelength when it comes to activities, then the SC wouldn't resent one side of their parents going away without them.
Sadly for us, this is not the case dsd does not get taken away on holidays with her mother and their family so she'd feel really pushed out if we all went off on holiday and she was at her mum's doing basically nothing. All of us talking about all the fun we've had etc. That's not her fault.
DP and I would go on an adults only holiday without any children, if we get the chance!!

MadBannersAndCopPorn Mon 12-Aug-13 20:50:21

They're all just kids, bloody kids. Giving them a separate name separates them IMVHO.
If the family dynamic needs to be explained, it is.

NachoAddict Mon 12-Aug-13 21:15:13

Luckily dsd is with us every weekend Fri - Sunday or thurs -Sunday during the holidays. Since we have work/school the rest of the week it means we don't have the issue of anyone being left out because they are all there.

Dsd and my Dd are the same age so we are careful to treat them equally, they share a room the is decorated beautifully and they both have a collage of their family photos above their bed. Dsd has her clothes and toys here etc.

Our bio child is a baby still but I don't think he will be left out because we have such a mish mash family anyway, my kids, his kid, our kid, they are all just 'the kids' in this house.

I don't find skid/s offensive as it is just an abbreviation, not keen on part time kids but I wouldn't get upset about anyone else using it.

coffeeaddict11 Mon 12-Aug-13 22:34:31

We all have our own opinion on what's offensive and not. Skids is a term I have only seen on this site which I thought was the conmon abbreviation (on here) I obviously wouldn't refer to them as skids in real life. And as for part time kids it clearly means non residential as dp does not have them full time. Some people are so touchy on here. Take a chill a pill lacked

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 09:51:53

They're all just kids, bloody kids. Giving them a separate name separates them IMVHO.

How do you mean it seperates them?

Lackedpunchesforever Tue 13-Aug-13 10:39:05

Petal you sound incredibly immature and obviously have huge issues around your own relationship with your partners children. MN din't need to moderate the use of these vile terms. As this thread and many others show, people who use them WILL get called on them by other forum users.

And you will continue to pop up, a bit like a jack in the box, to defend their use. Which is absolutely your right. And speaks volumes about you.

brdgrl Tue 13-Aug-13 11:14:05

And you will continue to pop up, a bit like a jack in the box, to defend their use. Which is absolutely your right. And speaks volumes about you.

I agree...it does speak volumes about Petal! She always offers help and support to those who ask for it, and judges posts on their actual content and apparent intent, rather than attacking new posters for their use of abbreviations and turns of phrase when they have clearly not done so maliciously. When not posting to offer sound advice and support to other stepparents, she posts regularly on these boards about her issues with her partner's children, as do most of the others here - that is in fact pretty much the sole purpose of these boards.

The problem here is not stepmothers using abbreviations or disagreeing with one another, it is posters coming on a thread with no other intent than attacking users.

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 13:15:24

Most stepmothers do have "issues" about their partners.

Just as most mothers have "issues" about their own children.

Just as someone has an issue with a friend, partner, neighbour, brother, etc...

We all have issues with everyone in our lives from time to time. What makes step children so sacred and different that we should just accept the faults that come with them and the whole step parenting thing altogether?

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 13:17:56

Most stepmothers do have issues with their partner's children

That was meant to say!!

But then again most stepmothers do have issues with their partners, if their partner is a Disney dad and turns in to an arse when it comes to anything to do with his kids! So my first post still makes sense lol smile

riverboat Tue 13-Aug-13 18:01:12

I have had to stop and consider why anyone would be offended by 'skids' which I could read as anything but an obvious abbreviation of step-kids/ s-kids. I have realised some must be reading it as skids as in the actual word as opposed to the s-kids that was obviously intended... SURELY you would have to go out of your way to imagine OP meant that random and unrelated to anything noun rather than the obvious abbreviation?!

riverboat Tue 13-Aug-13 18:01:44

COULDNT read

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 13-Aug-13 18:03:53

Sadly for us, this is not the case dsd does not get taken away on holidays with her mother and their family so she'd feel really pushed out if we all went off on holiday and she was at her mum's doing basically nothing. All of us talking about all the fun we've had etc. That's not her fault.

So instead, your own DC misses out on one to one time with their own parents because their halfDSis has a mother who doesn't share your family values.

There are going to be a generation of "second-class siblings" posting on "Stately Homes" in about 20 years time:

My mum so was worried about upsetting my stepDSis that we never did anything unless she was involved; we weren't even allowed an icecream after school incase she found out and got jealous. I missed seeing my best friend in the local pantomime because stepDSis wasn't with us that weekend and mum said it wasn't fair on her. I wanted to do my Duke of Edinburgh at weekends, but wasn't allowed to because Mum and Dad said it wasn't fair if she couldn't come on the weekend trips with me.
Her mum never did anything with her, so Mum and Dad made up for that by making sure that anything we did included her, even though we only saw her every couple of weeks.

Petal02 Tue 13-Aug-13 18:23:35

Superb post China - and sadly very true

Frikadellen Tue 13-Aug-13 18:57:11

The opposite can also be true that nothing gets done for the step kids.. Everything get's done when they are not there..

Screws you up well as an adult..

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 13-Aug-13 19:05:31

The opposite can also be true that nothing gets done for the step kids.. Everything get's done when they are not there..

Screws you up well as an adult..

...and putting it bluntly - that's not the stepparents issue. If a parent chooses to exclude their own DC, then that is the fault of the parent. If the step-parent deliberately excludes their DSC, and their partner/the DC's parent goes along with it, then that is also the fault of the parent.
The step-parent has absolutely no obligation towards their DSC.

Thing is, it's easier for adults who were in this situation as DC's to place the blame on their stepmum rather than their Dad.

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