do bio kids get left out?

(63 Posts)
coffeeaddict11 Fri 09-Aug-13 19:09:37

To step mums who have had no children and then had children with their dp..have your children together been left out? Me and my partner are deciding on trying for a child of our own. He has two children in which we have overnight one night a week. Looking at some comments on here it seems like a lot of dads concentrate on their part time kids out of guilt and their dc with their partner get left out?

needaholidaynow Fri 09-Aug-13 20:12:25

You're right, a lot dads do concentrate on their "first" children out of guilt and do try to over compensate. It's not the children's fault that their parents split, but it's also not the "second" children's fault either so they shouldn't have to pick up the pieces.

Mycatistoosexy Fri 09-Aug-13 20:17:11

A bit, when the SC are here then I suppose the focus is more on them

Disclaimer: not a step parent and no experience!

I have seen threads on here where the "second" family don't do any activities on non-visitation weekends for fear of leaving out the stepchildren. Does not seem ideal but I don't know what the answer is!

I do know from reading these threads that terminology can be terribly important. Someone with more experience than me will be along in a minute but I'm pretty sure it's not nice to call them "part time kids". They are his kids all the time, surely? No matter where they live?

needaholidaynow Fri 09-Aug-13 20:26:12

I have seen threads on here where the "second" family don't do any activities on non-visitation weekends for fear of leaving out the stepchildren. Does not seem ideal but I don't know what the answer is!

I think this is incredibly sad, seeing as on non-visitation weekends the stepchildren could be doing stuff with their other parent! I've said many times on MN that my 2 year old son, who is an active, vibrant toddler who should be exploring, learning and having loads of fun, shouldn't be expected to sit on his hands until his 7 year old sister arrives. We've done plenty of fun things whilst DSD hasn't been here, but equally so we have done the same when she's been here. I really don't see it as them being left out at all.

One rule that all stepfamilies need to learn: Life still goes on when the stepchildren aren't here. We can't put everyone on pause, it's impossible.

ChuckitintheBucket Fri 09-Aug-13 20:29:42

Well my experience is the total opposite. When my dad remarried and went on to have 2 more children, we were the ones (3of us) who were left out and made to feel second best. That carried on right into adulthood. I initially held my stepmum responsible but eventually realised my dad was just a shit dad who never once could find it in him to put our needs on a level pegging.

coffeeaddict11 Fri 09-Aug-13 21:01:14

Sorry to hear that chuck. I would never want my step kids to be left out but at the same time I wouldn't my own children be pushed aside when they came over. It does need to be on a level pegging but im worried cs my dp will see our children everyday the novelty will wear off

sweetpea13 Fri 09-Aug-13 22:29:00

It's difficult for me to say whether our DD is left out when DSC are here because she's so young and her needs are so different but yes it does often feel that I'm left holding the baby whilst he's doing fun things with the older children. I wouldn't say she is left out though, but she isn't the centre of his universe (like she usually is) when they are here. But then how can she be?

We used to put off day trips until DSC came but lately we've been trying to get out of the habit of that. Some things are easier if we do them without DSC anyway, for example we can't fit all 4 of our kids in one car so if we're going somewhere quite far away then we'll save that for when they're not here to save the stress and extra money of having to take 2 cars. For example if we wanted a day out at a petting farm then we'd do that on a weekend DSC are here, it's half an hour down the road so no big deal taking 2 cars, it's not mega expensive for the admission for all the family isn't too extortionate. But if we fancied a day at the zoo then it's a two hour drive in two cars, it costs an arm and a leg to get in and then a fortune once you're in there so we'd probably just take the 2 resident kids and it would be a birthday treat or something. That situation has never actually arisen but it is something we have discussed doing for DD's birthday, at the moment it would be impossible to afford to take all 4 kids to the zoo, so should that mean that my 2 never get to go? DSC went a few weeks ago with their Mum so they've not really missed out.

coffeeaddict11 Fri 09-Aug-13 23:22:17

Thanks for the reply sweet pea. I have a feeling with my dp that ill be looking after the baby while he is playing with older kids but he was like that with his ds was baby and dd was a toddler. He is not very good with babies at all but is brilliant with toddlers and kids. I definitely don't think its right that trips should be held off until skids are there when they will be doing everything with their mam and step dad. I just need to keep my fingers crossed

It's not like that in our house at all, ds is treated the same whether ss is here or not. I guess it depends on what your dp is like, if he's a Disney dad now, that's likely to continue when you have kids, I'd not its more likely to be ok.

Anormalfamily Sat 10-Aug-13 09:42:34

At the beginning I did get annoyed that no fun activities were offered to ds when dsc weren't here, but ds was pre teen and actually wanted to wait until dsc were with us to go out it worked out quite well.
Fortunately our dc are all about the same age and so now we've decided to do certain activities with them all, like going bowling, and otherwise basically leave them to their own devices (are mid teens and one near teen).
Dss 12 does seem to need more one on one time with dh and so the two of them might go to the cinema together... (Have posted once on mn how often this seems reasonable and at 12 to 13 its time to phase out certain levels of clingyness).
One idea might be for mums of younger dc to find likeminded mums with similarly aged kids and do fun stuff with them (until dh catches on that he's missing out and will want to join in, I know, sounds like schoolyard politics, but it has been known to work, and dc will not miss out).

brdgrl Sat 10-Aug-13 10:43:44

Well, my DSCs live with us all the time, so it is a bit different maybe from homes where the DSCs are treated like visitors who must be offered special treats and entertainments, which does seem to happen quite a lot.

Our DD is a toddler and the DSCs are teenagers - so they have very different needs. It has taken DH (a recovering Disney Dad) a while to figure this out. Which meant that DD was not getting enough of his time/attention, because he was spending inordinate amounts of time doing 'tasks' for the older kids - I don't mean spending time with them, that's appropriate and necessary - I mean, spending his own time doing things that they ought to have been doing for themselves. So while a toddler needs to have her breakfast prepared for her and her bath run, a 16 or 17 year-old, does not - that kind of thing.

On the other hand, DH has really turned things around from the days when his primary Job was to keep the DSCs entertained. They've finally become more independent, and DH is far less likely now to take them absolutely everywhere with him. I try to keep an eye on things and gently let him know when it seems like any one of the kids could do with a bit of extra 'dad time' - he struggles I think with finding the balance of all the different pulls on his time.

DD was very much 'left out' by the in-laws. That was awful.

Financially, DD is very much 'left out'. But that's a whole other kettle of fish...

burberryqueen Sat 10-Aug-13 10:54:43

similar to chuck really - as the first lot of kids my brother and I are treated as an embarrassment, 'skeletons in the cupboard' (have actually heard both of those terms)

needaholidaynow Sat 10-Aug-13 12:13:00

DD was very much 'left out' by the in-laws. That was awful.

How do you mean brdgrl? Sounds very similar to the situation my DS is in!

brdgrl Sat 10-Aug-13 12:33:55

Oh, my DH's father and his wife. They lived some distance away, so it wasn't a daily issue - but they'd always been involved with the older kids (my DSCs) and just showed little interest in DD. They didn't acknowledge her birthday with a card or even a text, but sent generous cash gifts to the DSCs. At Christmas it was most obvious, because they sent cash in a card for the older kids, but did not even include DD's name in their greeting.

I genuinely don't care about the gifts (well, ok, maybe I care a little that the DSCs were given money for a university fund while DD was not - but they certainly have the right to give or not give as they please) but I did care about the slight. And I was worried about it continuing after DD was old enough to be aware of it! I didn't mind her not getting birthday money, for god's sake, but I didn't want her to be treated as less important to her grandad than her big brother and sister, y'know?

DH eventually spoke to his dad about it. To his credit, FIL apologised and did start to make an effort to talk about DD, etc., so I tried to forgive and let go. Sadly, my FIL passed away since then, which of course makes it all feel more sad for DD that she won't remember him, and the other stuff less important. I know my DH is glad he cleared the air about it.

Frikadellen Sat 10-Aug-13 16:51:46

As the visitor in my fathers home I was very much that a " visitor" where as his then wife's dd (who also didnt live there) was very much " someone who belonged there" shehad her own room and clothes I slept in the spare room where their coats and winter/summer clothes was on a sofa no effort was made to make it a nice place for me where as she had a beautifully decorated room. (as did the 2 live in kids my brother and sister - a bit more understandable)
When they moved bro had a room and x step sis had a room i slept on the spare bed in my brothers room with nothing of mine allowed to remain. (big sister had moved out by then)

It was rare anything was done as a special treat when i was around but I was often spoken of what they had don the weekend before when the golden child was there. I was not permitted to come on full holidays with them were as golden child was with them for a full 3 weeks and taken abroad.. I was never permitted that when they went abroad I was not allowed to come and if they holidayed in Denmark I was permitted to come for 1 week. (stuff to be done for that week would be cut down)

In contrast when brother and sister came to visit at my home. Every thing was changed around and the focus was completely on what they wanted if I was not happy with them being in my room or using my stuff I was told off. in my mothers home my brother was the golden boy and my sister the golden girl.. I was just the boring ole same ole same ole.

My father remarried when i was 15. i got 2 new step siblings a boy and a girl. whilst I never had a room in their house they lived in the same town as my mother I was treated equally to the other children. stepmother no 2 was instrumental in ensuring my father finally ensured that at age 15 I learnt he gave a damn about me. I will forever be grateful to her about that.

Step mother no 3 had 2 children of her own but we were all adults (I a mother of 3 when they married) She never made any difference we were all 5 " their" children.. She passed away about 7 years ago now and my father is a widow these days.

With my mother my sister and brother always matters the most even now as adults, if i phone she will spend the conversation talking about the new golden child (my niece) Is rarely interested in my children.
My father learnt from his last 2 wives that if he wanted me in his life he had to ensure I felt he gave a damn. These days I know my father loves me and I know he cares.. But it was a though journey and when I look back at my childhood I often think to my parents "What the F were you both THINKING???"

So in my case me as the visiting child never got preferential treatment and me as the " stationary child" never got preferential treatment
My mother very much disney parented the 2 who didnt live with her and my father did a good job at making me think he didnt give a damn that i was the embarrassment.. I now know He did care he was just utterly appalling at showing me and didnt see the glarring differences he made.

Hence in a strange way I can answer yes and no to the question.

Lackedpunchesforever Sun 11-Aug-13 16:04:51

'their part time kids' 'skids'

If that is how you refer to your partners children, then I think that you have an awful lot of issues to work through before you are mature enough to consider becoming a parent yourself.

Petal02 Sun 11-Aug-13 16:43:26

Skids is simply an abbreviation for step kids, and 'part time' means non resident. None of these terms are intended to be derogatory, it's just a way of describing the people within the situation. Lets not have another thread bogged down with nit picking?

allnewtaketwo Sun 11-Aug-13 16:59:16

I can think of many, many worse terms to use right now than 'skid'......

Turniptwirl Sun 11-Aug-13 17:17:18

I think it's probably actually easier if there's a big age gap and they don't wanna do the same things anyway. Teenagers don't really want to go to a farm so that can be a non visiting weekend. Trip to theme park that they'd all enjoy can be visiting weekend.

Also depends how often they visit. Every other weekend is easier to postpone things for than one s month.

katydid02 Sun 11-Aug-13 17:43:32

I think it's wrong not to do stuff when children aren't there; I have two and one goes off to see their other parent and one doesn't. Life goes on as normal when one is away, they do fun stuff when away so we do fun stuff at home. We wouldn't go and see a film that the one who was away was looking forward to seeing, but we rarely do that anyway as it's so expensive.

Lackedpunchesforever Sun 11-Aug-13 19:01:34

Well they ARE derogatory Petal. And just because YOU as the self styled police officer on this board say they are not, it doesn't make it so wink

Petal02 Sun 11-Aug-13 19:11:57

Lacked - unless you've got some constructive advice for the OP, you don't really need to be here. Haven't you got a lawn to mow or a dog to walk?

lunar1 Sun 11-Aug-13 19:33:22

I was horribly left out when I visited my dad and his OW. She had a daughter the same age as me. She had every toy I ever wanted, they went on holidays I couldn't dream of. They even ignored My birthday when I was staying there despite the month before having a party for her dd.

I always had a good relationship with my step sister we are even in touch on fb now despite our parents splitting (I have had several step mums). I was very Much unwanted by any parent as a child they both put their own happiness before me and db.

Just to add to the debate skids and part time kids are fucking horrible ways to describe children.

brdgrl Sun 11-Aug-13 20:01:40

Well they ARE derogatory Petal. And just because YOU as the self styled police officer on this board say they are not, it doesn't make it so

And just because YOU say they are derogatory, doesn't make that so. So unless and until MN decides these are unacceptable terms, I guess you're out of luck. Of course, you are free to report the OP for her use of derogatory terms. Good luck to you.

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