I think your feelings are perfectly understandable. I mean, it's hardly the stuff of fairy tales, is it? Meet a great guy, fall in love ...... and then find you spend half your life playing second fiddle to his children from a previous relationship, with a bitter ex pulling the strings in the back ground.
I struggle with this, I have a dsd and shes lovely really really lovely but god do I get jealous. Doesn't help dp disney parents and I always feel that the dc we have together are left out. I'd much prefer he dropped her to me on the every other weekend and buggered off and left us to it.
I like to consider myself a good person and I try to translate this as much as possible in my step-parenting. I have 2 step sons aged 7 and 9 and I have been lucky enough to have them accept me into their lives from day one. We have them for half the school holidays and some weekends. I like to cook for them (in particular watch them wolf down my meals!), help them with their school work, go on child centered outings with them and enjoy playing games with them when at home. I am no stranger to disciplining them (although I have never and would never smack them) e.g. by telling them to pick up their rubbish and when they are being unkind to each other (which fortunately is not that regularly). Unfortunately we are in a situation where I have to carry the financial can at the moment, including when it comes to the children. In short, I strive to be the best step mother a human can be, and I fully believe that the children strive to be the best step children they can be.
However, after all my trying, I am still beating myself up and really hating myself, because although I am good to them and do my best to look after them, I still have feelings of jealousy towards the children. For example, I emotionally struggle to see the father carry them about, see them clinging to him and struggle with interruptions from the children when we are having a conversation. I feel resentful towards having to financially support children who are not mine. There have been occasions where I have snapped at them, only to realize later what I have done, and I apologize to them, to which they greet me back into the fold with a hug. Although in one respect this makes me feel happy that they can forgive me so readily, it makes me feel really angry that I find it so emotionally hard to be a step mum.
I am really really trying, and I place no part of the blame on the children, they are not perfect, but that is part and parcel of being a human being, and given the situation, they have shown remarkable resilience in the face of their parents breaking up and then accepting new stepparents into their lives. The problem lies with me. On a day to day basis, by my actions I am doing fine, but emotionally, I find it very hard not to be jealous and feel like a tantrum throwing child.
I am desperate to know if anyone else has been in the same situation and how they have dealt with it?