would you be mad at this?

(172 Posts)
mummatotwo Fri 02-Aug-13 21:37:24

DH and I agreed an amount of what we could afford in a change to his maintenance due to change of job and much lower income. He is dire with money BTW and for years I've bailed him out several times,but never learns I've even taken his bank card off him so he doesn't go over his overdraft

Not a great relationship with dss always texting and asking for money and he obliges. He never discusses it with me and everything is sneeky and behind my back. Our wages and money are our household income and we should discuss and agree these things I think.

We are going on on Hols soon we agree for me to pay hol and for him to provide the spending money, he's very OD at the bank again so now I've got to use my wages for spending money, which is going to leave us very tight for the next couple of months also I worked loads last month extra as we have lots if bills coming up to pay

I've just found out again by accident he's given hundred pounds out to the dss, I'm gobsmacked

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 18:50:48

I can't believe this is still being dragged out. I have not said everyone should live as I do, I was sharing my experiences , as people do on here. I said that I thought people should be able to provide for the children they have before having any more, whether this is in a traditional nuclear family or a step family. I don't think that is controversial. I have said that it is a good idea to get along. Again not that controversial. I have said that if a couple have a child together they have made a life long commitment to parent that child together, even if the relationship fails.

I have not sacrificed any life goals, we don't keep another woman and I had less maternity leave than I would have liked with ONE child, I don't think that is unusual and requires me to be seen as in need or treated badly.

brdgrl Tue 06-Aug-13 19:23:39

You said much more than that, though, Aris, and your wording was inflammatory. Right from the second post.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 19:29:46

I apologised above if my wording was inflammatory, and restated what I meant, if people choose to read otherwise I can't do much about that.

I have not told anyone that their children are second class citizens and yet I have been told that is how I am treating my own children . I have not questioned anyone else's marriage but others have mine.

This is exactly why I don't post on here very often, despite being a step parent.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 19:32:25

Add message | Report | Message poster Arisbottle Mon 05-Aug-13 11:32:37
As I said the dishonesty would annoy me. When I met my husband, I had to support him because he was supporting his ex and son, I made that choice to settle down with a man who had a previous more important commitment and therefore chose to make sacrifices.

This is my second post, I don't think it is controversial or inflammatory to say that when you settle down with a man who has children that you will have to make sacrifices. Over time his love for you will grow but at the start of a relationship the children must take priority.

Petal02 Tue 06-Aug-13 19:44:12

But it is controversial, particularly on a board like this, when you state that his previous commitments are more important. So you're saying you and him both believe the 'first family' is more important than the 'second family.'

It seems, from this thread at least, that you're happy with your position as second best - and if it works for you, that's fine - but you find it hard to accept that many other women wouldn't tolerate it.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 19:52:23

I have not said my family is second best, I have said that when I first settled down with my husband his son was more important than me.

I have actually said a number of times that all of our children are equal. However before having any more children we considered how it would affect the ones that already existed and dissuaded it with the mother of our stepson - if she was affected.

needaholidaynow Tue 06-Aug-13 20:33:56

His son, and his ex though. Why would anyone settle with a person with children who sees their ex more important than them, purely because they are the mother/father of their child? I wouldn't. The whole "first" family and "second" family thing I find so distasteful. I define our family as "Family", not "second family", or "subsequent family".

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 20:39:39

My husband does not see the mother of his son as more important than me. He does see her as important, because she is the mother of his son.

We do not talk about first and second families , that is a MN creation .

This is actually quite hurtful to have a gang of strange women turn on me and accuse my husband of not respecting me, especially when I am pregnant .

I was warned about MN, I really do not think this is the place for me.

Petal02 Tue 06-Aug-13 20:56:53

We're actually fighting your corner Aris, we all think that as a fellow female and second wife, that you deserved better.

brdgrl Tue 06-Aug-13 20:57:30

This is actually quite hurtful to have a gang of strange women turn on me and accuse my husband of not respecting me, especially when I am pregnant .
Aris, no one is ganging up on you. You posted some stuff that other posters disagreed with. You yourself have said several times that you didn't mean any deliberate offense, but simply disagree. And no one has suggested that you are not entitled to disagree! But you can't then cry 'poor me' because we, in turn, express our own views and disagree with you.
I think you should be aware that your post to the OP could itself be seen as quite hurtful. I have no interest in criticizing your own life choices - but yes, I have certainly criticized your advice because I think it is wrong-headed and unworkable for most people, and because I think it came across as judging the OP (and then others), rather than helping her.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 21:00:05

I have no issue with people disagreeing with me . Most of MN disagree with most of my life decisions .

I have an issue with being told that I am enabling my children to be treated as a second class family or that my husband put the mother of his son before me.

Petal02 Tue 06-Aug-13 21:02:17

I do concede that it's a bit scary when you're posting about something which other people disagree with.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 21:15:52

As I said I do not mind people disagreeing with me , as a rather vulgar , loud parenting and common upstart most people on here disagree with most of my decisions . In fact when people agree with me I start to question myself smile

I just think saying that my children are treated as inferior to my stepson and that I let this happen is a little below the belt . As is telling my that I deserve better than my rather fabulous husband .

Petal02 Tue 06-Aug-13 21:33:22

In which case we'll agree to differ. Horses for courses.

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 21:34:03

grin

mummatotwo Tue 06-Aug-13 23:35:23

Phew....Right , can we now can we get back to my original question?! LOL smile

Arisbottle Tue 06-Aug-13 23:55:45

I would be angry at his lack of financial management and disregard for you .

Sorry OPsmile

2468Motorway Wed 07-Aug-13 00:31:32

Aris, you have an amazing set up. I agree when I've had my kids, I consider the ones here first and how things would change for them before I would decide to have another or make any other big changes.

All the best with the baby.

Op, its the lies I couldn't stand. Surely he understands that lies destroy trust. If you're short I would try to let him give you control of the accounts. Is he like this about spending in all areas of his life not just his son?

brdgrl Wed 07-Aug-13 00:34:06

OP, it's not just isolated to the monetary gifts to DSS, right? I mean, he has broader issues about money management, I gather?

Maybe this is the first front on which to wage battle. Putting the other issues aside at the moment, this kind of financial irresponsibility is quite serious and damaging to the relationship even where things are otherwise positive (I have a really lovely husband who is totally crap when it comes to money). Can you get him to acknowledge this, take it seriously, and agree to do something about it? Maybe a sort of financial boot camp? Perhaps starting with a visit to a financial advisor? I'm not sure, but I suspect there may be free advice centres? (There is also the Money Advice Services - https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/ ) Barring that, would he - if he could be made to see that you are putting your foot down - agree to "austerity measures", and let you manage all the finances, on a temporary basis?

I'm afraid that this is one of those situations where if he doesn't want to change, then all you can really do is protect yourself from the effects as much as possible - which at the least, means separate and ring-fenced finances. And that would mean some unpleasant choices - like maybe saying "ok, you don't have your share for the holiday, so it's off", or "sorry you don't like the food we have in the house, but our budget has shrunk"...it's not fair to you to have to go without because he can't manage his money - but on the other hand, as long as he knows you will make up the difference, he may not get the message.

Arisbottle Wed 07-Aug-13 00:38:36

We keep spreadsheets to track our money , many years ago I used Microsoft money so I could see a breakdown of my spending and realise if I was overspending in one area. I am sure there must be an app that does the same.

I find a bit like food, if I have to write or track everything , I eat or spend less.

Would your DH do something similar ?

mindyourownbusiness Fri 09-Aug-13 20:04:07

The OP is about bunging the SS money directly though , nothing to do with maintenance or payments to fund or maintain a certain standard of life.
The SS just contacts his dad from what I can gather when he 'fancies' having an extra hundred pound spending money etc. I think this is entirely different.
Reminds me of the time I looked out of our front bedroom window one day to see non resident SS furtively lifting up our milk bottle holder and getting a little packet from under it and then off he went without even knocking. confused
Turns out he had rang his dad at work to ask to 'borrow' (in the loose sense of the word as it is never paid back) £60 to pay his mobile phone bill. DH had agreed but knew I wouldn't !, hence the money left in pre-arranged place so mean old step-mummy me wouldn't know.
To say I was angry on so many levels is an understatement.

mindyourownbusiness Fri 09-Aug-13 20:09:57

sorry pressed post too soon.

I meant to add that I felt betrayed, deceived, marginalised, ganged up on, humiliated - to name but a few , by both of them. It is really the deceit that hurts more than the money itself as many of you have said.

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