So pissed off with DH!!!

(62 Posts)
emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 15:56:12

Arrrr! Need to vent! My DH has to work on access day and I told him I'm not going to have the skids, its his time with them, not mine and to rearrange it so he can be with them. More to the point, I have a 7 month old who, at the moment is really hard work and I value the little bit of free time I get when he's asleep! (No family to have him for me so have only ever had a 4hr break from him when I was ill). Anyway, DH was going to take the skids out got a few hrs then drop them back to their mums so at least he saw them a little. He didn't really want to do the long drive and then have to find places to take them. Sooo...after a row and him making me feel bad I said we can have them tonight and I'd look after them tomorrow. This means I'm not on my own all day today and we can all have fun together. He's just called (after I'm thinking they are already quite late) and told me they have twisted his arm and is taking them to a fair!! I'm pissed off and feel I've been taken advantage of as now we won't have the time together (the whole reason they were staying) and I'm still going to have to have them tomorrow! Aibu? Maybe I am.

Belle15 Sun 04-Aug-13 21:19:48

I agree withBonkerz here- my 4 year old SS comes whether his dad is around/busy or not as he is part of the family just as much as ourDD. I love and treat him as my own and whilst I can't deny the love for my own DD is a slightly different kind of love I would never act in a way that showed this or voice this.
When I met my partner I made a commitment to him and his son and would never dream of turning him away because his dad was out or busy.
Having said that obviously all situations are different and I don't judge OP at all- just wanted to back up Bonkerz that her viewpoint wasn't as rare as it is seeming

emilyeggs Thu 01-Aug-13 18:46:43

When we got in I left her to it, she got some paper out and did some drawing, I joined in and all was well. I told dh that one day was enough for me. When DH and dss got home dss asked if they were staying another night as dss wanted to go with DH to work again. DH said they had to ask me! This put me in a very awkward situation as I had informed him I couldn't do another day babysitting but it would fall on me to be the one sending them home. Thankfully something happened and we all got side tracked. In the end dsd wanted to go home as she was missing mummy. DH took her home, she told DH on the way that she had had a nice day which I'm glad about. Dss is with us still and still going to work with DH. Dss happy, dsd happy, DH happy and their mum happy smile

emilyeggs Thu 01-Aug-13 18:12:05

Well, DH took dss to work with him leaving me with dsd. I took her swimming but don't drive so got the bus (you can walk it), not a problem, but my god dsd moaned about walking! She moaned from the bus stop the the pool, we had lots of fun in the pool although a tad stressful for me. Then I treated het to a wimpy. It's just up the road from the pool, and she sulked about walking there. We ordered out food but she was worried about the walk home even though at this point we had hardly walked at all and had food and a rest. When we got to the front door she informed me she was going straight in to rest! TBC.... Baby crying

Petal02 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:27:03

Emily, how did it all pan out in the end?

needaholidaynow Mon 29-Jul-13 22:22:44

I have told my DP what my expectations are regarding me looking after his daughter. These are the following:

1) If DP is at work or whatever, I only look after her during the set days every week that she is meant to be here.

2) Any other day when it isn't his set days, particularly if I have plans, I don't want him ringing me telling me that his ex wants me to have DSD/ pick her up from school etc... And be expected to drop everything. I've told him that this will not happen. His ex knows I'm off, but I don't want her thinking I can be taken advantage of.

3) I've asked him that if he arranges to have DSD on any other day, that he makes an effort to be at home at some point that day. hmm

4) Let me know of any changes so I can plan ahead!!!!!

theredhen Mon 29-Jul-13 19:40:28

We have regular contact times. If dp has to work unexpectedly or is busy ferrying other kids around, I do accept some of that "child care" of his kids fall to me. It's good for continuity for everyone.

What offends me is when my partner (like op partner ) arranges extra contact time and then isn't there!

I feel this is very unfair and not respectful.

Petal02 Mon 29-Jul-13 19:34:43

I think the point is that child care arrangements should be made by mutual consent, like Troubled who has an agreement which clearly works for her. . But when child care is landed on you, with no choice or right of appeal, that's when resentment starts.

troubledmum1234 Mon 29-Jul-13 19:22:01

In my experience step families seem to do this one of two ways. Either the biological parent takes full responsibity for the care of the step children (with regards to bei g present during contact) and the step parent "helps" when asked but doesn't feel responsible for them as such, or, both the bio parent and step parent take equal responsibility in a similar way to a "normal" family would with their children.

In our family my step children are here 50% of the time, is my partner is working then they are here with me, he doesn't ask me, I do the same as I would for my child and our child, the children are treated the same by both of us. This works for us and I wouldn't be able to be comfortable or happy if it was different.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:59:18

*yes

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:17:09

*yes

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:13:26

Use I think DH can have him for a day, take him out somewhere, it's either that or I snap! wink Everyone need "me" time

There is obviously a very fine line between fitting them into family life with regards to time spent with both of you or just you and relying on you too much when he should be making the effort to get time off work or arrange them for days off. I hope you manage to figure it out. With regards to your baby, any chance you can get a baby sitter or get dh to take him out so you can rest. ? smile

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:59:13

Yes you did say that wheresmy, I just didn't want you (or anyone else) thinking I always refuse to be alone with them. X

I did also say he was being unfair to not think things through and to expect someone else to do it for him. I do agree he shouldn't be reliant on you as ultimately he should be ensuring he gets to spend time with them. He does have to thing about all his family not just what he feels like.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:14:43

Wheresmy, I do have them on my own from time to time, like I sad, if DH pops to shop, or pops out for a few hours. But I had said I didn't want them for a whole day on my own, with my own (very demanding) ds. I enjoy there company very much and have a very good relationship with them and count myself luck. It's not about them though, it's the way DH forced my hand. Anyway, I have a very excited dsd hear waiting to go swimming to must see to that now. X

brdgrl Mon 29-Jul-13 09:47:48

My dh doesn't know dsd shoe size or clothes size...I'm the one that does all that I even organise collection and drop off and holiday dates etc.

Ah, see, I don't think this is only a difference about stepfamilies, but a different view of the role of dads and mums altogether. I would not be happy (in my own case) for my DH to leave all of that to me for our shared DD, let alone for the stepkids. I also know that I see lots of posts from mothers who think a stepmum would be seriously out of line to try and organise collections/handovers!

but surely you understand that when you become a step mum you agree to take on that child or children as if they were your own.

I didn't agree to anything of the kind, and my DH never asked that. It certainly wasn't in the vows I took, the laws don't support it, and none of the professionals we've ever spoken have recommended it. I think it may be appropriate in some households; it would be totally inappropriate in our own.

My stepchildren's mum is deceased, so I do almost all of the things she would have done, and my DH does too. But there is no question of my being obligated to do those things, and there is no question of my 'treating the stepchildren like my own'...they would resent that so much, even if it were possible it would not be desirable.

Fairy130389 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:44:31

Bonkers, I am in your camp, however, I do understand and completely respect that others are different and I think if dsd lived with her mum I might feel differently.

Emily, since I have had my DS I am really struggling to care for very demanding 8 year old dsd at the same time and have (guiltily) packed dsd off to GP's for the week so do completely understand how you feel.

I think you need to lay some ground rules with dp, ie, you don't mind having them for a couple of hours here or there but you need to be asked first and the weekend should primarily be spent with him, etc.

P.s loving the acronym "RP"!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:32:50

I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

pink So do you mean strange as in "odd" or strange as is "unfamiliar"?

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:19:20

China - Im not an equal in my DSC lives compared to their mum, I didnt say I was - I said we fit in as a family, which means many things, one of which is that if my DH is not at home my DSS will come anyway - he likes the routine, and would feel quite put out if he felt unwelcome just because his dad wasnt at home.

I dont know how we, as a family would behave if the DSC mum actively discouraged the relationship as it hasnt happened, but I am not trying to take her place in the slightest.

We took this route at the beginning of our "blending" and it has worked for us.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:23

bonkerz and pink I can only assume that your DSC's "other mum" is comfortable and accepting of your appointment as an equal to her in her DCs lives?

Would you fulfil the same role if she wasn't? If she actively discouraged the DCs from relating to you and berated them when they did?

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:02:00

Im with you Bonkerz - my DSC just fit in with the family, and thats how my friends who are in blended families work as well. I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

Each to their own I suppose, shame for the kids

I don't understand why the dh hasn't got the time off work. I mean if he wasn't with anybody then he wouldnt see the kids at all. You can't just go expecting everyone else to do it just so he doesnt look bad for not actually being there.

Yabu for not wanting them there, after all step there are going to be times when you do have to have them on your own, surely that's part of being a step parent. BUT, yanbu for being annoyed that your dp does whatever he wants without thinking it through and expects someone else to pick up the slack. He should be arranging things to do and times when he can actually be there with them. It's a cop out to have the access but not actually take the time to do something properly.

theredhen Mon 29-Jul-13 07:57:19

Bonkerz, I think you're attitude is very admirable but having read lots of step parenting books and visited this forum for years, I would say its an unusual one.

I don't think most step parents see their step kids as their own.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:48:39

No laughing hear, x

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:47:39

Anyway Bonkerz, I thank you for your input, all input is valid, I only see myself as mum to one though, and if you asked my skids, they only have one mum, their mum.

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