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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

So pissed off with DH!!!

61 replies

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 15:56

Arrrr! Need to vent! My DH has to work on access day and I told him I'm not going to have the skids, its his time with them, not mine and to rearrange it so he can be with them. More to the point, I have a 7 month old who, at the moment is really hard work and I value the little bit of free time I get when he's asleep! (No family to have him for me so have only ever had a 4hr break from him when I was ill). Anyway, DH was going to take the skids out got a few hrs then drop them back to their mums so at least he saw them a little. He didn't really want to do the long drive and then have to find places to take them. Sooo...after a row and him making me feel bad I said we can have them tonight and I'd look after them tomorrow. This means I'm not on my own all day today and we can all have fun together. He's just called (after I'm thinking they are already quite late) and told me they have twisted his arm and is taking them to a fair!! I'm pissed off and feel I've been taken advantage of as now we won't have the time together (the whole reason they were staying) and I'm still going to have to have them tomorrow! Aibu? Maybe I am.

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Petal02 · 28/07/2013 16:08

YANBU. If he wants access, he should be available. What's the point otherwise?

needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 16:15

Thanks petal, I was starting to feel like a right mean old cow. Dsd can be quite hard sometimes (as can any little girl) and I'm going throughout a thought time with my own ds :( I sooo need a break from him (feel guilty saying that) and now I have three kids to look after! DH is pissed off with me now, says I'm being childish.

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emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 16:16

Their mum is at home, she's not the problem and happy to have them, it's DH who wants to see them

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emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 16:18

He collected them from rp and was going to drop them straight back, now they are coming hear so I will have them tomorrow.

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emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 16:18

We can say rp can't we,

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needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 16:38

I always try to look for an "at least" and in this instance, at least he's a good dad that is actively involved with his dc (I'm still pissed off though).

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needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 16:42

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pinkbear82 · 28/07/2013 16:47

Ah op, you have my sympathy. I'm dreading Thursday when my DP 2 dd come for 11 days. Dates all agreed etc etc, DP drops bomb that no he hasn't got time off of work..... I have our 7 week old dd to look after and now an 8 & 6 year old who will understandably want to spend time with their dad not me....

No solution for you, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 17:01

Pinkbear, I think it's you who needs my sympathies I've only got them for 2 days. It sounds so bad saying that, it's not that I don't get on with them, it's just I'm in dire need of "me time" . I think I'll take them swimming, they love that and so do I. Hmmmm

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Petal02 · 28/07/2013 17:45

A lot of dads seem to think that, providing their children are 'under their roof/on their watch' that access is actually taking place. It took me a very long time to convince DH that arranging to have DSS when he wasn't going to be around was very unfair on me. I call it 'access by proxy.'

I think these men forget they're no longer resident parents, and find it hard to accept that their new wife/partner is a NOT a default baby-sitter in the same way his ex was when they were still together.

pinkbear82 · 28/07/2013 18:12

You are right petal.

Op if you can enjoy what you are doing with them it's half the battle. Enjoy the swimming and then maybe a treat of some sort after, that you can enjoy too of course!!

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 18:29

Yes, might go to the park after. DH is saying he will take dss to work with him but, in fact, dss absorbs a lot of dsd and would actually be better if he stayed with me so dsd won't be so clingy iyswim

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theredhen · 28/07/2013 18:40

Yep, seen dp send several e mails offering to have dsd4 for extra hours. All worded very nicely in that he wants to help her. How lovely.

Except I knew he would pick her up and then try and go out to work and leave her with me.

Sure enough that's what he tried. I pulled him on it and he took her out with him.

Really pisses me off that he will ask his ex nicely but not even think to ask me.

Actually I don't mind looking after her nowadays but it's not the point!

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 18:57

No redhen, you are right, it's not the point, you probably would have said yes if asked first, why is it we are the last to know what's going on....that's what also winds me up. It's not exp's fault either...many a time I've pushed DH to let her (ultimately me) know what the hell is going on when contact has to be re arranged! Then I'm told I'm nagging/interfering! I can't win!

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pinkbraces · 28/07/2013 19:29

Im confused - are you pissed off because you are having them tomorrow, or because he has taken them to the fair?

Either way I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill! Surely just by being part of a blended family you will have your DSC sometimes on your own, and sometimes, you, DH or all of you will do somthing off the cuff without being arranged. Thats a good thing, not something I would have thought warranted such hositility.

Petal02 · 28/07/2013 20:40

But I still don't see the point in a father arranging to have his children over when he knows he won't be around. I don't invite friends/relatives over unless I'm going to be in!!!

It's another example of Step Family Insanity, which is basically bizarre behaviour that would never be considered/carried out/tolerated in a "together" family.

And if this isn't nipped in the bud it grows into Empty House Visiting - where the step child is encouraged to visit your home when everyone's out, just so that your DH can meet his 'target' of access hours each week. I used to think that access meant parent/child spending time together, but 'access' is actually the termed used to describe the days/nights that the child spends away from their mother's house. Whether Dad is present during this time is totally academic!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 28/07/2013 20:46

pinkbraces it's a combination of both - OP agreed to have them tonight because they could all have time together today. That now hasn't happened, as they have gone off to the fair, and she will be looking after them on her own tomorrow when she had said she needed a break. (Correct me if I'm wrong OP).

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 22:40

you are right snazzy, its all of it.

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emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 22:46

And yes, I will have them on my own when dh pops to the shop, but as I said, its HIS time with them, not mine... otherwise, what's the point?

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Petal02 · 28/07/2013 22:53

Emily, perhaps you could invite your mother/aunt/granny over for the day, then tell your DH that you're not available so he must entertain them .......

A day spent in the sole company of his MIL might make the penny drop, as its exactly the same principle as access by proxy.

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emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 23:12

That would be great petal, only my mother and nan are both passed (hence the no family to take ds). But I understand your point and maybe should put that to him

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 28/07/2013 23:22

I could sort of understand it if his access was 'set in stone' and their Mum was counting on her 'me' time (it's all part and parcel of being in a relationship isn't it, the give & take) - but when the situation seems flexible and their Mum would be happy for them not to come, I think your DH is being very selfish landing them on you when you are tired and are just about coping with your own baby. The fact that you are now landed with them isn't fair, simply because he didn't want to do the 'long trip' - very selfish of him.

emilyeggs · 28/07/2013 23:23

Also pink, I do not like doing stuff "off the cuff" and like to have a plan. I do not like to be put upon or a glorified babysitter and can't see how making someone do something they don't want to do is a good thing?! I will have fun with them as its not them I'm annoyed with. Off to go make my mountain now

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