So pissed off with DH!!!

(62 Posts)
emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 15:56:12

Arrrr! Need to vent! My DH has to work on access day and I told him I'm not going to have the skids, its his time with them, not mine and to rearrange it so he can be with them. More to the point, I have a 7 month old who, at the moment is really hard work and I value the little bit of free time I get when he's asleep! (No family to have him for me so have only ever had a 4hr break from him when I was ill). Anyway, DH was going to take the skids out got a few hrs then drop them back to their mums so at least he saw them a little. He didn't really want to do the long drive and then have to find places to take them. Sooo...after a row and him making me feel bad I said we can have them tonight and I'd look after them tomorrow. This means I'm not on my own all day today and we can all have fun together. He's just called (after I'm thinking they are already quite late) and told me they have twisted his arm and is taking them to a fair!! I'm pissed off and feel I've been taken advantage of as now we won't have the time together (the whole reason they were staying) and I'm still going to have to have them tomorrow! Aibu? Maybe I am.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:23:06

Also pink, I do not like doing stuff "off the cuff" and like to have a plan. I do not like to be put upon or a glorified babysitter and can't see how making someone do something they don't want to do is a good thing?! I will have fun with them as its not them I'm annoyed with. Off to go make my mountain now grin

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 23:23:10

Will you be allowed into your local pool with 3 kids? Mind you, one is 8 so you might be OK?!

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:26:47

Surely the step children will be spending time with their step sister?
I've been a stepmom for the past 11 years now. Dsd was 2 when I came into her life. She was 3 when me and dh got married. She comes every weekend regardless of if her dad is here or not. She also comes half of all holidays regardless of if her dad is working or not.
When I married dh I knew I also agreed to be responsible for dsd. I'm the main care giver to my other children and dsd is the same as them.
I can understand being annoyed that he has gone to the fair...he should have asked you along to but surely you understand that when you become a step mum you agree to take on that child or children as if they were your own. My dh doesn't know dsd shoe size or clothes size...I'm the one that does all that I even organise collection and drop off and holiday dates etc.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:28:28

Chip, it was arranged that we weren't going to have them at all and he would get them another time. All good with everybody, then he misses them (I understand that) and que the "I'm going to get them for a few hrs". Then "why can't you have them tomorrow and they stay tonight" ect! I've always said no to it....again, it's his time with them and I'm really struggling with ds.

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:31:15

I always feel I'm this situation that it should be consistency with the dsc. dsd knows she spends weekends with us and its been that way for 11 years now. It's very rare we have to change plans.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:33:39

Bonkerz, they are not my own. They have a mum for that and she is happy to have them all the time. I care for them, make sure they are happy and love that they see their half brother and love him. It's not them, it's the way DH played me

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:36:28

It's also rear we change, like I said. We were not meant to have them at all, then DH missed them and wanted to see them. It's a one and in the passed I've not blinked an eye, but with ds in the mix now it's hard.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 23:36:51

Bonkerz - Gold Star smile It doesn't mean that Emily has to feel the same way you do... both attitudes are perfectly acceptable, neither right nor wrong. Emily is tired, fed up, struggling with her own DS, this situation was totally avoidable and her DH has been a prat and need a slap around the chops with a wet fish nappy will do just as well though.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:38:11

Rare

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:40:05

I don't want a gold star. I get the fed up thing. I have three other children. Eldest has autism and I work full time. But I accept that I Am mum to 4 kids regardless that dsd has another mum. When dsd is here she is my family.

Maybe now is the time to have the talk with dh. Tell him how you see your role as he obviously has a different view to you.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:41:06

grin chip, I love it when people say "love them like your own" and "surly you knew what you were getting into". I didn't know what I was getting into as I don't have a crystal ball! Nor did I know what I was getting into with my own ds!

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:45:03

Ok sorry if I offended anyone. I meant that when you marry someone with children you become responsible too. Obviously I'm in the minority. I apologise and leave the thread for you to all laugh at me and say I'm weird x x

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:47:39

Anyway Bonkerz, I thank you for your input, all input is valid, I only see myself as mum to one though, and if you asked my skids, they only have one mum, their mum.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:48:39

No laughing hear, x

theredhen Mon 29-Jul-13 07:57:19

Bonkerz, I think you're attitude is very admirable but having read lots of step parenting books and visited this forum for years, I would say its an unusual one.

I don't think most step parents see their step kids as their own.

I don't understand why the dh hasn't got the time off work. I mean if he wasn't with anybody then he wouldnt see the kids at all. You can't just go expecting everyone else to do it just so he doesnt look bad for not actually being there.

Yabu for not wanting them there, after all step there are going to be times when you do have to have them on your own, surely that's part of being a step parent. BUT, yanbu for being annoyed that your dp does whatever he wants without thinking it through and expects someone else to pick up the slack. He should be arranging things to do and times when he can actually be there with them. It's a cop out to have the access but not actually take the time to do something properly.

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:02:00

Im with you Bonkerz - my DSC just fit in with the family, and thats how my friends who are in blended families work as well. I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

Each to their own I suppose, shame for the kids

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:23

bonkerz and pink I can only assume that your DSC's "other mum" is comfortable and accepting of your appointment as an equal to her in her DCs lives?

Would you fulfil the same role if she wasn't? If she actively discouraged the DCs from relating to you and berated them when they did?

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:19:20

China - Im not an equal in my DSC lives compared to their mum, I didnt say I was - I said we fit in as a family, which means many things, one of which is that if my DH is not at home my DSS will come anyway - he likes the routine, and would feel quite put out if he felt unwelcome just because his dad wasnt at home.

I dont know how we, as a family would behave if the DSC mum actively discouraged the relationship as it hasnt happened, but I am not trying to take her place in the slightest.

We took this route at the beginning of our "blending" and it has worked for us.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:32:50

I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

pink So do you mean strange as in "odd" or strange as is "unfamiliar"?

Fairy130389 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:44:31

Bonkers, I am in your camp, however, I do understand and completely respect that others are different and I think if dsd lived with her mum I might feel differently.

Emily, since I have had my DS I am really struggling to care for very demanding 8 year old dsd at the same time and have (guiltily) packed dsd off to GP's for the week so do completely understand how you feel.

I think you need to lay some ground rules with dp, ie, you don't mind having them for a couple of hours here or there but you need to be asked first and the weekend should primarily be spent with him, etc.

P.s loving the acronym "RP"!

brdgrl Mon 29-Jul-13 09:47:48

My dh doesn't know dsd shoe size or clothes size...I'm the one that does all that I even organise collection and drop off and holiday dates etc.

Ah, see, I don't think this is only a difference about stepfamilies, but a different view of the role of dads and mums altogether. I would not be happy (in my own case) for my DH to leave all of that to me for our shared DD, let alone for the stepkids. I also know that I see lots of posts from mothers who think a stepmum would be seriously out of line to try and organise collections/handovers!

but surely you understand that when you become a step mum you agree to take on that child or children as if they were your own.

I didn't agree to anything of the kind, and my DH never asked that. It certainly wasn't in the vows I took, the laws don't support it, and none of the professionals we've ever spoken have recommended it. I think it may be appropriate in some households; it would be totally inappropriate in our own.

My stepchildren's mum is deceased, so I do almost all of the things she would have done, and my DH does too. But there is no question of my being obligated to do those things, and there is no question of my 'treating the stepchildren like my own'...they would resent that so much, even if it were possible it would not be desirable.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:14:43

Wheresmy, I do have them on my own from time to time, like I sad, if DH pops to shop, or pops out for a few hours. But I had said I didn't want them for a whole day on my own, with my own (very demanding) ds. I enjoy there company very much and have a very good relationship with them and count myself luck. It's not about them though, it's the way DH forced my hand. Anyway, I have a very excited dsd hear waiting to go swimming to must see to that now. X

I did also say he was being unfair to not think things through and to expect someone else to do it for him. I do agree he shouldn't be reliant on you as ultimately he should be ensuring he gets to spend time with them. He does have to thing about all his family not just what he feels like.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:59:13

Yes you did say that wheresmy, I just didn't want you (or anyone else) thinking I always refuse to be alone with them. X

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