Struggling with how step parenting was

[Amitolamummy]

I was a step mother for 6 years and split from my ex/their father over a year ago now. I put so much into both of the children and was often the only one out of all 4 of their parents who was actually looking after them properly. When we split up his daughter lied to everyone and told them I threatened her. What I actually did was tell her I love her and will always be there for her if she needs me. I was stopped from seeing both of them and my own son has been told lies about me by all of them.
I'm still so hurt by it and don't know what to do to make it easier. I had an awful childhood myself and had never had any experience of children until I met their father. I kept saying I didn't want to be too involved but it was forced on me by him and his ex wife. She would tell them I was their other mother and just as responsible for them as she was (whenever she was struggling with their behaviour) I also found out last year that she would threated to send them to me if they were naughty and I would tell them off, which made them scared of me. I never did anything like that. This probably isn't the right place to post this but it was here that I first learnt about detaching, which is what I tried to do when I could see the relationship was never going to work.
Has anyone experience of being treated badly by their step children. The eldest still refuses to go to places where I might be (she is nearly 14 now) because she is 'scared' of me. I've never done anything to make her feel that way and she used to come to me all the time for support and as the only person she could talk to about things

[emilyeggs]

This is so sad, I'm sorry I don't have any experience with your situation but am sure someone will be along to help

[stepmooster]

OP, I think this is something my DH can relate to. Although he hasn't been falsely accused of anything but I doubt he will get over the fact contact was suddenly stopped sometime after separation from his first wife and he never sees the children who called him daddy for 10 years. He has a box full of photographs, letters and father's day cards that the children gave him and periodically he likes to go through them and remember the good times.

He learnt the hard way that if you choose to be an equal parent as a step parent without any of the legal rights you basically end up losing your family and there is nothing that can be done. He too was put into that position by his ex, not knowing any better he went along with it.

I think it also confuses the children, they now have another father figure in their life and another name change.

Your DSC may have divided loyalties now? Unsure how to react if they were to see you out and about and sometimes I think for teenagers it is easier to push people away you love and rebel. She might well miss you a lot, but might feel abandoned and left with her parents who were not there for her as much? Perhaps she is trying to ruin your relationship with your son because she wants him to suffer like she is?

I am just guessing though.

DH holds onto the belief that one day when his stepkids (exDSC's is that the right term?) Are adults they might want to get in touch.

I wish you all the best of luck and it took DH a long time to come to terms with it, and its not something you can easily just get over like some may think. Xx

[Amitolamummy]

Thanks for your replies. That is very sad stepmooster, 10 years is a long time. I hope they contact him again in the future. I very much doubt mine will though because they have been poisoned against me by their father and his family.
I think the hardest bit is knowing that when their mother and step father split up recently, she decided to go and stay at his house. He has actually harmed them, threatened them and terrified them so much they chose to live with us a few years ago.
I don't think I will ever forgive her enough to have contact with her in the future anyway. She is old enough to know how much she has hurt me