is the bm still 'in'with ur dp family?

(92 Posts)
in2minds22 Wed 24-Jul-13 11:01:15

It pisses me off. She does everything to try and be in there.Shes like a dogs d**k. She's going his sisters today (who I have on Facebook) with her (and dp) kids. And now ill have all the pictures on Facebook to look forward to. Dp works so do I so when we do have the kids we take them out for the day so don't always have time to take them to see go round his sisters and dads. I know her kids are his sisters niece/nephew but it just pisses me off how she has to be in there especially when me and dp are not. (His family are mental/two faced have caused drama) so me and dp detach ourselves. Im dying to tell bm some of the stuff theyve said to me behind her back. Nasty things like she doesnt change her knickers or wash her hair etc but I wouldnt stoop that low and cause unnecessary drama but it's soooo tempting cos she thinks she's best mates with them when really they just slag her off behind her back.. I just cant wait til she drops a kid to her new bf and f**ks off! !

maddening Sun 28-Jul-13 07:19:15

I doubt your dp's ex is going round to be "best mates" with them - probably doing the grown up thing of enabling a relationship between her children and their extended family. Am sure there are better things she would like to be doing than spending it with her exdp's twatish family.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 13:06:46

To answer the original OP, my DP's ex is still on good terms with his parents, but since they live hundreds of miles away its kind of a non-issue. However, she sometimes spends the night at theirs when she drops DSS off there for a stay, and I know she Skypes with them (mostly for DSS's benefit though, obviously). We are all on good terms and so sometimes all have an Xmas dinner together if we're all in the same geographical area at Xmas.

I do feel very conscious of her relationship with them on the rare occasions when we're all together, and feel I have to make an extra effort to be charming and nice to DP's parents so they don't wish DP was still with her. Silly, now I see it typed out! Especially as I don't WANT to be any closer to DPs parents than I already am! I am fine with our polite, friendly relationship as it is...

In any case, I would certainly never verbalise these feelings or suggest to her or DP that she shouldn't be staying in touch with them. Its just a little irrational and occasional flare of jealousy that I have to deal with on my own...

lemonluscious Thu 25-Jul-13 12:04:13

Anyone else really feeling sorry for these children apart from me. Good go, their parents have split and their DF's new girlfriend doesn't want them to go round and see their GP's and family.
OP, perhaps their "Mum" just goes round because she likes it. Perhaps she has other things going on in her life and she doesn't think about you 24/7.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 11:55:08

I take your point, tuck. Am just trying to explain how I see it myself and why it doesn't always seem odd to me. Going through two degrees of separation 'DSC's DM' or 'DP's ex' sometimes seems a little unwieldly in certain posts especially when used repeatedly. Having established though that bm is not acceptable, I wonder if there are any other similarly short acronyms that could be acceptably used...but none spring to mind.

Tuckshop Thu 25-Jul-13 11:38:40

No of course it wouldn't have made sense to just use mum in the thread title. It is really not difficult for the sake of a few extra letters to write dp's ex or dsd's mum. I have never felt the need to call dsd's mum anything other than that on here. BM is a non-existent term to me when I've talked about her. It's odd to use it and I've never felt it unwieldy to use dsd's mum instead.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 11:25:04

OP could have replaced 'bm' in the thread title with 'DP's ex' or 'DSC's mum' but not just 'mum' as it wouldn't be immediately clear if she was referring to her DP's mum or her dsc's mum or her DP's ex's mum or her own mum or whatever. BM is shorter and easier to write than any of the other possibilities and to me when discussing blended families, makes it clear you are talking about a partner's ex who is the mother of your partner's children.

But I accept that the term has negative connotations for many, so would now probably write 'DSC's mum' myself.

ImNotBloody14 Thu 25-Jul-13 10:53:19

And in the same way- you dont see children being referred to as 'birth children' or 'real children'. It is enough to refer to them as dcs and everyone knows who you are talking about.

Tuckshop Thu 25-Jul-13 10:43:31

There is just no need to use the phrase unless its in the proper context. You don't see the mum of a childs school friend being referred to as their BM. It's their mum. Same thing. The ex is the child's mum. Plain and simple. And their Dads new partner is step-mum if that term is used by them. Mum remains as mum. Like I said, I see no need to use BM at all.

in2minds22 Thu 25-Jul-13 10:18:46

Precisely I would never refer her in real life its either the kids mam or her real name. I thought bm was meant as just as in my step kids mam. Didn't know there was such a big hu ha over it

riverboat Wed 24-Jul-13 22:54:54

I have been surprised how upsetting the term 'birth/bio-mum' is to many on mumsnet. I have used it myself, when wanting to talk in general terms about the dynamics of blended families, and honestly never meant any disrespect or belittling of the mother's status, but rather was just trying to be clear as possible when distinguishing between stepmothers (who may also be mothers themselves) and their partner's ex/DSS's mum...sometimes posts get so full of acronyms and keeping track of whos who in blended family posts can be hard!

I have no axe to grind at all with my DSS's mum, there are absolutely no problems between us and I do not have visions of being a 'second mother' to DSS or anything like that. So I would have never made a post using the term 'birth mother' to disparage her or indeed 'mothers of children who also have stepparents' generally (see that is an example of where its hard to find a suitable term to say what I mean, and I would be tempted to use the the taboo term).

But anyway I upset another poster so much once by using that term in what I thought was a non-offensive context that I had to really take a step back from mumsnet for a while because the whole thing really shook me up and made me feel bad. So now I don't use it any more.

In any case I have never / would never see the need to use it in real life, it's just handy for the internet where text based communication is more limiting and you're trying to be as clear as possible to a bunch of strangers.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:34:59

I take that back Lula, and I apologise. I was trying to to think of a way to express it and it just came out wrong. Maybe it should have been along the lines of "not my choice" or something like that.

As I said above all step families are different, and I can fully understand why some see themselves as a mother/father figure smile

I didn't mean to offend.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:31:41

Oh I don't know. They are very strange people lol.

You are so right though, everyone works differently and there is not just one concrete way of running a step family. 9 times out of 10 we are happy here, and that is mainly because we all know our roles and where we fit in to the family. If I referred to my DsD as my bonus daughter then I would be living a lie. She is part of my family but i see her as a friend and I am a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, a positive female figure.... just not a mum.

Others are so different though and I respect any choice they make, no two step families are the same!

needaholiday 'distasteful' is a rather emotive word.
It may not be the way your family operates, but please accept that 'step' parents are sometimes far more than just a parents partner.

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 22:22:32

They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them
Why on earth do they do that? sad Even if they don't intend to leave anything to you, it's a bit icky to keep banging on about it!

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:20:13

Also I never referred to my "step-dad's" parents as Grandma/Grandad. They weren't and never will be. They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them and I've repeatedly said I do not want anything especially at their own grandchildren's expense!

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 22:17:21

needaholiday, I think I understand what you are saying and if it is right for you, then it's right!

What I see over and over again (online, anyway) is people thinking that there is just one way of getting along in a stepfamily...that ones where people love one another and feel 'like family' are faking it or in denial...or ones that have a more distanced way of relating (or naming) each other are cold and not 'real' families...that women who play an active role in their stepchildren's lives are overstepping or asking for disloyalty....or ones who remain disengaged from their partner's childrens' lives are cruel or misguided...

My DH's dad was married three times, so my DH has two 'stepmothers'. And now I am a stepmother. My SIL is a stepmother. Each of those stepmothers exists in a completely different relationship to their partner's children than the other. Each is still part of our family.

DuttyWine Wed 24-Jul-13 22:10:20

You sound like a fish wife! Jealousy ain't cute.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:04:45

* I haven't taken to step families very well

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:02:26

I say "DSD's mum".

I find the whole "step-mum" "second-mum" "bonus-mum" thing a bit distasteful really.

I have a "step-dad", and he has been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am 23 now, and not even once in the past 11 years that I have known him and been in the same family as him have I ever referred to him as my "step-dad". He has always been known to me as my "mum's partner". Nothing more nothing less. It is just how I view step families; they are indeed family but I do not see the need to see them as dads, mums, daughters, sons, grandparents, etc...

At the end of the day I am not my mum's partner's daughter am I? So why would I call him dad and why would he refer to me as a daughter? I know who my parents are and he knows who his child is. Even at the age of 12 I didn't want to pretend I was an inherited daughter.

This mindset does extend to me and my own "step-daughter". Only on MN do I ever refer to her as my step-daughter. In RL I call her my partner's daughter. I bumped in to a friend from my old work the other day, who I haven't seen in a few years and I was with my DP, my two DSs and my DSD. She was asking me are all 3 of them mine, and I said the boys are and this is my partner's daughter. That is who she is, and in RL I have never once referred to her as my step-daughter or myself as her step-mum. I'm her dad's partner. We are both of a strong family unit but we don't need to to see ourselves as a bonus mum and daughter.

Maybe I have always had a very distorted view of step parenting, but I think people should remain very loyal to their actual parents/ children. My mum ran off with her current partner and I have taken to step families very well, which is why I often question myself just why I chose a man with a child. I wasn't prepared to call my mum's partner "step-dad" because to me I would be betraying my dad. I don't want my partner's daughter to refer to me as "step-mum" because I am not her mum and the connotations that come with this are that I am some sort of second mum and I find this very negative. Why can't I be seen as a friend figure and be referred to as her dad' partner who she can look up to rather than another "mum"?

sparklebabe Wed 24-Jul-13 18:42:58

rental actually comes from a cartoon my brother and I used to watch. we do discuss it last Christmas had the same argument with my brother that I am not his sister in law but step sister when he was introducing everyone to his gf. I have told him so many times now that it is not sister in law lol. my nan always agrees with him.

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 18:32:29

Sometimes a prefix is helpful. I do not think the OP's choice means anything other than that she was ignorant of the unwritten MN prohibition.

Keep in mind that some stepmums do play a massive parenting role. I have 'mothered' my DSS for the last five years. I am not his mother, but I act as his mother in many ways. I always refer to myself as his "stepmother", never his mother, and I have never referred to his mother as his BM. That works for us.

But in point of fact, some step-parents are 'real' parents to their children. It may offend some people to see "BM", but some of the phrasing of the arguments against it, is just as offensive.

CountryGal13 Wed 24-Jul-13 17:44:07

Oh heck, I didn't know this either.(but I do now) I'm sure the op didn't mean to offend.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 17:30:30

i think maybe its because you seem to need to box everyone into 'real' or 'step' (rental is actually quite hurtful! do your step family like being called 'rental' family?). also, do you really spend that much time discussing your family set-up to people who don't already know it? I generally refer to people by their name and if people want to know who that person is in relation to me or my dcs I just say "oh that's my uncle" or "that's the boys' stepmum" but really I don't tend to have conversations about their stepfamily with people who don't already know our family. i.e; close friends or family.

NatashaBee Wed 24-Jul-13 16:11:27

I don't understand why you would call her their 'birth' mum as though you've taken over her mother role... she is still their mother. Thankfully it sounds like the rest of the family have a little more respect for her as the mother of their nieces/nephews/grandchildren than you do.

BumpAndGrind Wed 24-Jul-13 16:10:58

Why would you want to be 'in' with two faced back stabbers?

Genuine Question...

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