is the bm still 'in'with ur dp family?

(92 Posts)
in2minds22 Wed 24-Jul-13 11:01:15

It pisses me off. She does everything to try and be in there.Shes like a dogs d**k. She's going his sisters today (who I have on Facebook) with her (and dp) kids. And now ill have all the pictures on Facebook to look forward to. Dp works so do I so when we do have the kids we take them out for the day so don't always have time to take them to see go round his sisters and dads. I know her kids are his sisters niece/nephew but it just pisses me off how she has to be in there especially when me and dp are not. (His family are mental/two faced have caused drama) so me and dp detach ourselves. Im dying to tell bm some of the stuff theyve said to me behind her back. Nasty things like she doesnt change her knickers or wash her hair etc but I wouldnt stoop that low and cause unnecessary drama but it's soooo tempting cos she thinks she's best mates with them when really they just slag her off behind her back.. I just cant wait til she drops a kid to her new bf and f**ks off! !

DuttyWine Wed 24-Jul-13 22:10:20

You sound like a fish wife! Jealousy ain't cute.

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 22:17:21

needaholiday, I think I understand what you are saying and if it is right for you, then it's right!

What I see over and over again (online, anyway) is people thinking that there is just one way of getting along in a stepfamily...that ones where people love one another and feel 'like family' are faking it or in denial...or ones that have a more distanced way of relating (or naming) each other are cold and not 'real' families...that women who play an active role in their stepchildren's lives are overstepping or asking for disloyalty....or ones who remain disengaged from their partner's childrens' lives are cruel or misguided...

My DH's dad was married three times, so my DH has two 'stepmothers'. And now I am a stepmother. My SIL is a stepmother. Each of those stepmothers exists in a completely different relationship to their partner's children than the other. Each is still part of our family.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:20:13

Also I never referred to my "step-dad's" parents as Grandma/Grandad. They weren't and never will be. They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them and I've repeatedly said I do not want anything especially at their own grandchildren's expense!

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 22:22:32

They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them
Why on earth do they do that? sad Even if they don't intend to leave anything to you, it's a bit icky to keep banging on about it!

needaholiday 'distasteful' is a rather emotive word.
It may not be the way your family operates, but please accept that 'step' parents are sometimes far more than just a parents partner.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:31:41

Oh I don't know. They are very strange people lol.

You are so right though, everyone works differently and there is not just one concrete way of running a step family. 9 times out of 10 we are happy here, and that is mainly because we all know our roles and where we fit in to the family. If I referred to my DsD as my bonus daughter then I would be living a lie. She is part of my family but i see her as a friend and I am a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, a positive female figure.... just not a mum.

Others are so different though and I respect any choice they make, no two step families are the same!

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:34:59

I take that back Lula, and I apologise. I was trying to to think of a way to express it and it just came out wrong. Maybe it should have been along the lines of "not my choice" or something like that.

As I said above all step families are different, and I can fully understand why some see themselves as a mother/father figure smile

I didn't mean to offend.

riverboat Wed 24-Jul-13 22:54:54

I have been surprised how upsetting the term 'birth/bio-mum' is to many on mumsnet. I have used it myself, when wanting to talk in general terms about the dynamics of blended families, and honestly never meant any disrespect or belittling of the mother's status, but rather was just trying to be clear as possible when distinguishing between stepmothers (who may also be mothers themselves) and their partner's ex/DSS's mum...sometimes posts get so full of acronyms and keeping track of whos who in blended family posts can be hard!

I have no axe to grind at all with my DSS's mum, there are absolutely no problems between us and I do not have visions of being a 'second mother' to DSS or anything like that. So I would have never made a post using the term 'birth mother' to disparage her or indeed 'mothers of children who also have stepparents' generally (see that is an example of where its hard to find a suitable term to say what I mean, and I would be tempted to use the the taboo term).

But anyway I upset another poster so much once by using that term in what I thought was a non-offensive context that I had to really take a step back from mumsnet for a while because the whole thing really shook me up and made me feel bad. So now I don't use it any more.

In any case I have never / would never see the need to use it in real life, it's just handy for the internet where text based communication is more limiting and you're trying to be as clear as possible to a bunch of strangers.

in2minds22 Thu 25-Jul-13 10:18:46

Precisely I would never refer her in real life its either the kids mam or her real name. I thought bm was meant as just as in my step kids mam. Didn't know there was such a big hu ha over it

Tuckshop Thu 25-Jul-13 10:43:31

There is just no need to use the phrase unless its in the proper context. You don't see the mum of a childs school friend being referred to as their BM. It's their mum. Same thing. The ex is the child's mum. Plain and simple. And their Dads new partner is step-mum if that term is used by them. Mum remains as mum. Like I said, I see no need to use BM at all.

ImNotBloody14 Thu 25-Jul-13 10:53:19

And in the same way- you dont see children being referred to as 'birth children' or 'real children'. It is enough to refer to them as dcs and everyone knows who you are talking about.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 11:25:04

OP could have replaced 'bm' in the thread title with 'DP's ex' or 'DSC's mum' but not just 'mum' as it wouldn't be immediately clear if she was referring to her DP's mum or her dsc's mum or her DP's ex's mum or her own mum or whatever. BM is shorter and easier to write than any of the other possibilities and to me when discussing blended families, makes it clear you are talking about a partner's ex who is the mother of your partner's children.

But I accept that the term has negative connotations for many, so would now probably write 'DSC's mum' myself.

Tuckshop Thu 25-Jul-13 11:38:40

No of course it wouldn't have made sense to just use mum in the thread title. It is really not difficult for the sake of a few extra letters to write dp's ex or dsd's mum. I have never felt the need to call dsd's mum anything other than that on here. BM is a non-existent term to me when I've talked about her. It's odd to use it and I've never felt it unwieldy to use dsd's mum instead.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 11:55:08

I take your point, tuck. Am just trying to explain how I see it myself and why it doesn't always seem odd to me. Going through two degrees of separation 'DSC's DM' or 'DP's ex' sometimes seems a little unwieldly in certain posts especially when used repeatedly. Having established though that bm is not acceptable, I wonder if there are any other similarly short acronyms that could be acceptably used...but none spring to mind.

lemonluscious Thu 25-Jul-13 12:04:13

Anyone else really feeling sorry for these children apart from me. Good go, their parents have split and their DF's new girlfriend doesn't want them to go round and see their GP's and family.
OP, perhaps their "Mum" just goes round because she likes it. Perhaps she has other things going on in her life and she doesn't think about you 24/7.

riverboat Thu 25-Jul-13 13:06:46

To answer the original OP, my DP's ex is still on good terms with his parents, but since they live hundreds of miles away its kind of a non-issue. However, she sometimes spends the night at theirs when she drops DSS off there for a stay, and I know she Skypes with them (mostly for DSS's benefit though, obviously). We are all on good terms and so sometimes all have an Xmas dinner together if we're all in the same geographical area at Xmas.

I do feel very conscious of her relationship with them on the rare occasions when we're all together, and feel I have to make an extra effort to be charming and nice to DP's parents so they don't wish DP was still with her. Silly, now I see it typed out! Especially as I don't WANT to be any closer to DPs parents than I already am! I am fine with our polite, friendly relationship as it is...

In any case, I would certainly never verbalise these feelings or suggest to her or DP that she shouldn't be staying in touch with them. Its just a little irrational and occasional flare of jealousy that I have to deal with on my own...

maddening Sun 28-Jul-13 07:19:15

I doubt your dp's ex is going round to be "best mates" with them - probably doing the grown up thing of enabling a relationship between her children and their extended family. Am sure there are better things she would like to be doing than spending it with her exdp's twatish family.

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