wish sk's would vanish

(11 Posts)
Petal02 Tue 23-Jul-13 15:03:07

My DH regularly tells people he's a single parent, and in the same sentence will introduce me as his wife. Even though we've been married several years, and it's not like DSS lives with us. And DSS is 18, its not like DH has a toddler.

He's not trying to market himself as a "available" (god forbid) and he's not trying to be offensive or disrespectful towards me in any way, but as he's split from his ex (DSS's mother) he still sees himself as a single parent/victim. I think he too defines himself by his divorce, the access weekends and the battles with the ex. In some weird way, he almost needs/leans on that role.

fackinell Tue 23-Jul-13 13:28:23

Oh dear, sounds like you've always had a difficult relationship with them.

I just wish our little bundle of hormones (DP's DD) would help out a bit more. I love her dearly and now at the stage where she will seek out my company (hurrah!! it was 2 yrs of sulking before) but she's a lazy wee moo and I hate to say, occasionally a little entitled.

What's the craic, OP? No flaming from me.

skylit Tue 23-Jul-13 13:01:11

Here is an example of DP's obsession with the divorce/kids -

We recently went away and met another couple. Had a drink, had a great laugh - as we were walking away DP said:

"oh Steve is a great bloke, he's pretty similar to me actually, split up, two boys .... " oh for fucking hells sake DP, is that really how you define yourself??

You wouldn't find me saying "oh Rachel is very similar to me, split up, two kids .... " errrr why would that shit even enter my head?

I'd be more likely to say

"Rachel is very similar to me, likes horses, works in healthcare, likes to travel .... "

But no, all dp hears is "divorce, two kids" and that's it, he gets dead excited because he apparently didn't realise that there were other people out there who had divorced with kids. No, it's just him and his that are affected by such things.

Petal02 Tue 23-Jul-13 12:55:02

Excellent post Skylit - totally agree that it's the dynamics which are generally out of kilter in a step family.

skylit Tue 23-Jul-13 12:49:31

Totally agree and no flaming here.

I think the issue is not with the kids themselves but with the weird dynamics of it all. In a normal family the kids don't get to rule everything whereas in a step family everyone wants to please them, NRP feel guilty so go out of their way to keep them sweet, the kids twig onto it and milk it for all its worth, people start feeling resentful - it just gets messy.

I don't wish my step kids would disappear, I just wish DP would stop feeling guilty for the marriage not working out and realise that millions of kids throughout the world deal with divorce and his are not special and do not need everyone bending over backwards to keep them happy - they won't melt because mummy and daddy are not together anymore, eldest is almost 18, I'm sure he can cope now hmm

Kaluki Tue 23-Jul-13 12:27:56

I'm sure the flamers will be along shortly to hurl abuse at you!!
For my part I totally sympathise and I will admit to wishing my DSC would vanish more than once!!!

Petal02 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:14:45

No flaming from me - as others have said, there's obviously a lot of background. Step parenting is not easy.

LJL69 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:06:58

I agree theredhen - what is the back story?

brdgrl Tue 23-Jul-13 11:06:39

No flaming from me. Like redhen says - there must be a lot of back story...it is very sad when there have been so many issues that it is a relief just to not have them around.

theredhen Tue 23-Jul-13 11:05:13

I feel there a lot of back history here?

How long have you been a step parent for?

How does your dp feel about not seeing his kids and being used for handouts?

It sounds very sad for everyone. hmm

mrspicklepants Tue 23-Jul-13 09:02:57

Yes I will be flamed for this I know but I just want to vent. Sk's always cause issues but luckily rarely have to see them now (thank the Lord!!!!) they are nearly adults and finaly stopping asking for handouts which means we don't see them at all! now and then they want to see our dd and ds so DP will oblige. Does my head in though I don't see that my children need spoilt overgrown brats in their lives.But suck it up I shall!

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