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Step-parenting

I need to vent

3 replies

WaitingForMe · 18/07/2013 20:15

I'm really struggling to control my anger.

As a bit of back story, DHs ex is a pretty negative person. She thinks in a way I consider to be "small world" but hey ho, it takes all sorts to make a world.

DSS1 is dyspraxic. He's also shy, awkward and immature. Obviously we need to smile and be non-committal when says he fancies being a professional footballer but for the most part, I fail to see anything that cannot be overcome.

Finally after a near eternity DSS1 has been told that master one skill and he can go up a swimming class. When DH told me I welled up. He was handing over the kids to his ex so they were there together and she said to DSS1 "I never thought you'd reach this point."

He's 8.

DH dropped to his knees and said we had always had absolute faith.

Tonight is the first time they're at ours since then and DH and DSS1 have had a chat about sometimes adults thinking different things and that at our house we believe that if you really work hard, there is usually a way to achieve what you want even if it's in a way you never imagined and we think he's brilliant.

DSS1 said his mother had had a point.

Stupid little backwater town bint. Her child is smart, empathetic and utterly wonderful. He created a game for DS (8 mths) tonight. DS worships him and quite rightly, this kid is phenomenal. Just a bit clumsy and easily distracted.

I feel like we're facing a losing battle to counteract her negativity with encouragement.

OP posts:
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PrettyPaperweight · 18/07/2013 21:50

Well done to your DSS!!!! Smile

It's really sad isn't it - particularly when it involves a DC you care deeply about.

I see negativity from parents with such low aspirations for the DC's every day - it is tragic as it eats away at their natural positivity.

Keep chipping away - even short, infrequent exposure to good role models and positive reinforcement has been shown to make a difference to a child's achievements in life and it sounds like you are just the sort of person he needs to see living life to the full!

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Interestingchanges · 19/07/2013 07:45

Pretty paper, just wanted to share a small moment of sm pride:
I see my dcs regularly and dh said those exact words to me, the chipping away..., last night.
Sadly, dsc mum does not believe in discipline or encouragement and dh possibly stands somewhere on the aspergers spectrum, we think his son possibly as well. Ex will not hear of formal testing and dh is weak.

OP, well done! I truly feel with you. Sometimes it seems that the sm is the only objective "bystander" to grasp the obvious (and how great when dp backs you up!) and have dsc make use of their full potential, without misplaced parental ambition/ or lack of to get in the way.

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Tuckshop · 19/07/2013 08:40

You aren't fighting a losing battle. What you and your dh are doing is showing him that someone believes he can and that two if the most important people in his life "see" him.

I always believed in my dsd and saw what a beautiful girl she was underneath all the anger and behaviour. Someone once said to me "but what you are doing Tuck is showing her a different way, she may not take it but at least you are giving her a choice". And I always remembered that, it became about giving her a choice in later years not about trying to change a situation I couldn't change.

My situation is now slightly different as she lives with me, not either of her parents. But she came to me as a late teen and I've spent a year nurturing her and helping her (and quite a lot of shouting and tears!). She now has all sorts of goals and and plans for her life.

Do keep going, I'd say you are definitely making a difference. You are planting the seeds that he "can" and he will remember that.

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