Dss: trying to understand (lack of) development

[Interestingchanges]

Hello,
I've been a mum to ds for 15 years, a sm to dss for 4 years.
I've gone through the terrible twos to teen years with own ds (and can see remarkable likeness to dsd development, who is a year older...) but I'm a bit stumped regarding dss.
I first met dss when he was 8 1/2 and he seemed an introverted child, given to temper tantrums, and no friends (except arranged play dates). He still loves PC games, like ds, but that's about it.
Dh told me bm neglected him for his first 3 years as she was disappointed he was a boy! They had a nanny to look after both kids, but dsd enjoyed a fairly normal/ bordering on permissive childhood and still has a close bond to bm, bit of a golden child really.
Both dsc like coming to our house, dsd has recently opened up to me and let me into her life and that's great of course.
But while dsd and ds have dealt with family upheavals and teen sorrows in often dramatic but understandable ways, dss hasn't changed one iota, even though he recently moved in 50:50.
His personality is a mix of 6 year old or younger emotions with the intellectual urge to talk shop with adults, really just his dad though (very clingy indeed).
Dh and i still arrange play dates here to help him socialize with his peers. Dh usually says he was the same, still is in many ways.
Dh and I are in couple counseling to help us set healthy boundaries for all dc and deepen our bond at the same time.
Has anybody any experience with similar issues regarding dc? Dss will be 13 in a few months, I'd love to help him become his own person, not just his dads mini-me.
Thanks

[purpleroses]

What sort of changes are you expecting in response to the family upheavals? Most boys of that age just aren't articulate enough to discuss their feelings in the way that maybe your DSD does.

They're also a bit slow at getting their own social lives sorted out ime. My DS is 13.5 now and still needs a bit of help to remember to set things up. I still organise some play dates for him. DSS is 14.5 and similar - rarely organising things without help. My DSD has been organising her own social life since about 13 with very little help though.

Not much use blaming their mum for what happened when he was little - even if you're right there's not much you can do about it now. And probably best to refer to her as their mum (or DM) on here, as you'll put people's backs up calling her Birth Mother - that term is more often used for women who've given up children for adoption or are otherwise uninvolved

[Interestingchanges]

Thanks for reply, Purpleroses.
I suppose because both ds and dsd became "independent" at around 10, wanting to meet friends outside of school and arranging everything themselves, that I feel dss is not quite measuring up?
Maybe I'm also a bit anxious about him as my dsis was always like this, introverted, unsociable, clung to our mum til she died of old age and basically never "got a life"...
I'm probably a worry wart, but I do also see his actions encroaching on my relationship to dh. Don't get me wrong, dss gets loads of one on one time with his dad, they go out together to movies, play tennis, swim etc. it's just that i feel this time is being taken a bit for granted, I.e. " I don't have to make an effort iwinning friends, I have dad who will do everything with me when I want and how I want," so not learning social skills at all.
It's been a long day, may see things differently tomorrow...

[Petal02]

OP - what does your DH make if this? My DSS will be 19 in September and hasn't changed very much since I met him when he was 11. He's been infantilised and babied so much (in a bid to compensate for his parents divorce) that he hasn't developed the maturity and life skills you'd expect. He just wants to hang out with his Dad, he rarely does anything with his peers.

[Interestingchanges]

Hi Petal,
Trouble is dh is pretty much like dss. Mil apparently didn't make the effort to socialize him as a child, simply told him he was clearly smarter than his peers and therefore superior to them .
He has raised his son along the same lines. Dss clearly lacks social skills, but no effort went into correcting this. Dh tells me the ex didn't like other kids around so classmates were not invited after school. Dsd has no problem socializing though (perhaps even over does it...).
Dss now "shares" ds friends when allowed to "play" with them (mostly PC games, so possible), but of course does not get to go anywhere with ds and his pals are they are much older (and their groups include girls...).

Dh suffers a lot as an adult from being excluded from social circles at work, but on the other hand, puts absolutely no effort into making friends either. Even though I'm kind of shy still myself, I engage in conversation with his colleagues at x mas does etc. and know about them in 5 minutes then he does after 5 years!
I try to convince dh that he must give dss the chance to develop social skills by being with his peers and not giving him (both!) the easy option of socializing with each other. It's a strain on our marriage, but worse for dss, we're oldies and I'll boss, cajole, threaten manage to get dh to interact more with his environment, but dss kind of breaks my heart.
Fortunately another play date has been arranged for tomorrow...