Step family finances... wwyd?

[christmaspudetc]

I am just wondering how other stepmums feel about the following and if they are in similar situations, how do they look at it/deal with it?

With OH for 4.5 years, we have 1 DC who is 1 year old. OH has 2 children from a previous marriage and pays maintenance to his ex through CSA, plus lots of extras on top (school trips, activities, etc.).

What bugs me is that the ex seems to have a comfortable lifestyle: in the last couple of years she got an expensive cat, she drives a relatively new car, did some redecoration in the house that she obtained from the divorce settlement (my OH was left with most of the debts incurred by both during the marriage, as unfortunately, it was on his name only :( She also goes on holiday every year, at least once by herself and once with her children, she recently came back from 2 weeks in the Caribbean. She only works part time at the most, in a low paying job. She also goes She also had partners on and off.

My OH and I work full time, exta hours when the work require it. We pay a fortune in childcare. Staying at home is not an option as we still end up better off with both working full time. I earn more than my OH. We have last been on holiday 2 years ago, and will probably not be able to go this year and take our children (our DC + Skids) as we have not been able to save enough.

OH and I are still keeping our finances separate for now. He pick up the bills, I pay for the mortgage on my property where he moved into.

I can't help feel to feel resentful that if the ex was putting more into spending on her kids, then my OH would not have to supplement all the extras and we would have more on our side to take skids and DC on holiday. Am I being looking at this situation the wrong way?

I also want to start saving more of what's left of my hard earned money at the end of the month for our own DC's future. I have always treated my skids to day trips, clothes, meals etc, but now I feel that I should slow down on this as they have both their mum and dad being financially responsible for them, and that our DC only has me and a share from his dad, as he is rightly contributing towards the skids. I feel we are contributing to making the ex's lifestyle easy, and that we are not thinking enough about our own plans (holidays together etc.), and I am not sure my DP sees it this way...

Should I just ignore the whole thing, concentrate on what I want for our DC in the knowledge that the CSA money will dry out one day as the skids will grow and earn their own money, and that DP's financial situation will also improve when he finishes paying off the debt?

sorry for the long post.

[HystericalParoxysm]

Take no notice of what your OH's ex is doing. She might be in loads of debt, you don't really know do you. Stop comparing lives as that way madness lies. I think you and your OH should have combined finances if you have a child together. Have you discussed your feelings with your OH?

[christmaspudetc]

Thanks Hysterical. I know you are right and that I should compare or look at what she is doing, but sometimes I can't help it, especially when things like another schoold trip (this time abroad) needs to be addressed and I am pretty sure that once again, the ex will not pay a penny towards it, and let my DP feel pick up the tab. I personally think she shoudl contribute to that trip to the level she could afford.

Talking finances with my partner has never been an easy thing. He still feels bad about having worked so much in his previous marriage and ending up now with no assets, and debts, and I am not convinced he is 100% comfortable with me earning more (even though he says he has no issue with it). I don't want to merge finances until he repays his personal debts, and until we have a more structured arrangement with our finances. He is not very good at managing his money overall as he is more of a spender, and I am more of a saver. I have suggested for example in the last 2 years already to open a separate account for our holidays into which we contribute monthly as much as we individually can afford, but this hasn't happen yet.

[crazykat]

This will probably get me flamed but if your OH is paying maintenance then why is he paying for extras (with the exception of trips) ? Also unless its changed if he's paying off debts from when he was with his ex this should be taken into account by CSA, if the money was spent on the family/benefit of the family it doesn't (or didn't) matter who's name it's in.

WRT school trips your OH and his ex should be paying half each (or split in ratio with their respective income) or DSC can't go. It isn't fair of you can't have a family holiday, which includes DSCs, because your OH has to pick up the tab for school trips for one DC - step or otherwise. If we can only afford a school trip at the expense of family holiday or day trip then they can't go (goes for all DCs) It's not nice that they miss out but it isn't fair that everyone misses out so one can have a trip.

[crazykat]

Activities should also be split between your OH and his ex.

How will your OH feel when the DC you have together sees his older siblings doing activities and going on school trips paid for by their dad if you and OH then can't afford for your DC to do the same?

[mumandboys123]

I have to agree with hysterical. You will tie yourself up in knots with the 'it's not fair' thing. Life's not fair. Some people have everything. Some people have nothing. You wouldn't consider it reasonable to compare what you have to the people living next door because you know that their circumstances are entirely different to yours. But for some reason, we compare ourselves with our exs all the time! Far better that you ignore it and live within your means and be grateful for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don't.

crazycat - I do think that the issue of what is 'fair' amongst step families is complex and that some children get to do things that others don't must be horrible for those who don't. However, what you have are two sets of children with two sets of parents who have two distinct sets of circumstances and often two different attitudes to money. It is impossible to make things 'fair' when you take all that into account. I do think that sometimes you have to accept that your children can't do what the step children do (and vice versa) because you can't always even up the score. Again, life is like that alot of the time.

Be proud you have a partner who is supporting his children over and above the minimum that the CSA dictates. There are way too many men out there who pay nothing at all.

[christmaspudetc]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I agree that the ex should pay toward her children's activities, but she chooses not to, so in order for the children not to miss out, my OH pick up the tab... and that's also what she wants: for my OH to pick up as much as she can push towards him, so that she can keep as much as possible for herself.

In a way, he can afford to do that because I pay for the mortgage (ok, it's in my name only, and I want it to pass 100% to our DC eventually), and also because I work full time and earn well

I have paid previously to take us all on holidays, but now that we have our own DC, I don't want to do this anymore, as we have childcare costs and I want to save for our DC's future.

It is tricky :(

Mumandboys- I am proud of my partner not shying from his responsibilities, and this is one of the things I love about him, but I feel he is taken for a ride by his ex financially.

Crazykat- my OH is left with debt because his ex's credit card was under his name :( and she maxed it out, and same for the car loan. Those credit companies have no recourse to her :( and the courts did not want to know about these. We didn't try the CSA route to take these into account, but I don't think they do.

[GemmaTeller]

Agree with Hysterical,

My DH paid maintenance plus extras (holidays, school trips, extra spending money, new clothes) for his daughter (which I totally agree with).

His ex worked part time and was always pleading poverty, always asking for an advance or extra to the agreed maintenance payments and guess what? she had two holidays every year, a better car than mine and was always going somewhere.

Me? (and by that I mean me and DH) I think we had two holidays in eight years, had a clapped out runabout and both worked full time.

Ten years later... daughter got to eighteen and maintenance payments to mum stopped and went straight to daughter to help her through uni, she rang DH screaming and shouting that the maintenance should still be being paid to her (they were never married) even though DH had told her several times over the previous year that it would be going to daughter. She even told daughter that she had to give the money to her. Daughter refused to do this saying it was for her for uni.

Turns out she had remortgaged her house and had loans and credit cards to fund her lifestyle, she then had to find full time employment.

It's hard but its best to try and take a step back from what the ex has/is doing and concentrate on making your extended family happy and secure.

[crazykat]

I wasn't sure if they still do as its been a few years since we were told about it.

It is unfair that your OH has to pay for everything. Yes it's good that he doesn't want his DCs to miss out but it's very hard being the ones paying for things leaving yourselves with less and watching someone else seemingly living it up.

Its not great but at least you can can pay for your DC with OH to do things, we're the opposite as by time we've paid bills and maintenance etc we don't have a lot left, then DHs ex expects us to pay for trips etc and gets miffed when we can't.

I know stepfamilies are hard when one side seems to have everything but doesn't work when the others work all hours and don't have much spare. We try to make sure all our DCs get the same from us, so if one can't have dance lessons/go on every trip then its stinks but its life.

[HystericalParoxysm]

You say your OH is a spender. I would see this is all the more reason to combine finances! If he shares accountability with you it make him consider his expenses more. You are disadvantaged by his debt whether or not your finances are combined so i wouldn't say thats a reason to keep your current accounts separate.
I'm not saying he should stop paying for the extras for his DC but his ex should also be taking responsibility. Keeping your mortgage/house separate will not ensure it is all yours to pass onto your children by the way.

[catsmother]

I agree - generally - that comparing yourself to others is unhealthy (though many of us do it) and while we may perhaps feel a pang of envy towards seemingly better off neighbours - but then forget it and carry on with our business - it can be very hard not to feel resentful if you believe your child is at a disadvantage compared to your non-resident stepchildren. Obviously - some allowance sometimes has to be made if the ex is earning and contributing - quite rightly and understandably - towards her own children's lifestyle, but it's much harder to be understanding if the ex doesn't work, doesn't work (much) and/or your partner is contributing "extra" to that household but NOT doing the same for yours. Similarly, it's hard to remain neutral if the ex - specifically (as opposed to the children) appears to have a "lavish" lifestyle but can apparently never "afford" the extras she asks your OH for.

Quite obviously there's no question maintenance should be paid and if it's affordable and fair then paying more is fine too, so long as a similar(ish) sum is also being spent on resident children. I don't believe these respective sums have to be absolutely identical because after all, children's needs change - and usually become more expensive as they get older - but there should be some sensible attempt IMO to equalise the situation. I certainly don't think your OH should be paying extra if doing so then has a negative impact on your family - and if speaking specifically about holidays - then that of course would also include his older children. I tend to agree with Crazykat in as much that school trips shouldn't be taken as a given - but should be considered in the wider picture. E.g. are they absolutely vital ? would the kids really suffer if they missed them every so often ? should the kids forego the experience of a family holiday with their dad (and vice versa) to take a school trip instead ? etc etc.

I think in your shoes you need to try and ignore the ex as after all you can't literally stop her spending the money in her account whichever way she wants regardless of how that money got there - but concentrate on working out what you think is a fair contribution for your OH to make for ALL his children. That might mean having to revisit what you think is a fair contribution for him to make to your household .... obviously we don't know the ins and outs, but does him paying the bills, for example, equate fairly to you paying the mortgage ? Yes, he has no stake in the house, but if he had to rent, would he have to pay more than he does currently IYWIM ? It's all a bit of a minefield and if you feel he makes a fair contribution in proportion to his salary then great, but if he doesn't, then in effect you are subbing him which means he can potentially hand over more money to the ex if pressured ..... which he might have to think twice about, and be more objective about (as per my paragraph above) if he didn't have quite so much "spare". Furthermore, if you've both agreed that a holiday savings fund is a good idea then he needs to commit to that or explain why not - this would after all also benefit the older kids.

[PrettyPaperweight]

I agree that the ex should pay toward her children's activities, but she chooses not to, so in order for the children not to miss out, my OH pick up the tab... and that's also what she wants: for my OH to pick up as much as she can push towards him, so that she can keep as much as possible for herself.

Your DP could always say no. I'm sure there are lots of DCs who "miss out" on overseas school trips, activities, latest gadgets, well fitting shoes, even a nutritious meal etc because their parents can't afford them. But he won't say "no" will he?

Like most separated Dads, I imagine your DP is motivated by guilt - he is desperate to create a situation in which his DC's have everything they would have done if he and his ex were still together. And thats all fine and dandy for him; but he's chosen to have a family with you, and that means that in order to appease his guilt regarding his first DC's, his second DC misses out, and you (as the mother-tigress) leaps to your DC's defence and sees the DSC as a threat.

Get it out into the open, talk about money, and sort it out - it will fester and destroy your relationship if you don't!

[nkf]

The ex is probably in debt. Csa rates are pitiful and if her work us low paid and part time, she will be.broke. I wouldn't envy her.

[ImNotBloody14]

Just one point I's like to mention op.

You say your stepchildren have both their mother and father being financially responsible for them and the your dc only has you and a share in his father. Well your step kids have the other part of that share of your partners finances so your dc is in the same situation as the step children. They all have a mother and part of a father's finances.

[brdgrl]

your dc is in the same situation as the step children. They all have a mother and part of a father's finances.

Not at all, I'mnot, I think what the OP is saying is that the stepkids have three adults contributing to their welfare at the moment - their mum, their dad, and the OP. Because the OP currently is putting money towards their meals, clothes, trips, etc.

The OP's child has two adults - the OP and her DP - putting in.

The OP is quite right to consider this.

[PrettyPaperweight]

The ex is probably in debt. Csa rates are pitiful and if her work us low paid and part time, she will be.broke. I wouldn't envy her.

Quite. So it is likely, that if the OP's DP and his ex were still together as a family, that not all the trips, goodies and excursions that they want to go on would be available to the DC's.
Why should they get to do them all just because their parents have split? Why don't DC's with separated parents ever hear the word "no"?

[ImNotBloody14]

Well that wasnt what op said brdgrl. I was responding to what she said in her post

[ImNotBloody14]

And my dcs have separated parents. They hear the word no plenty

[PrettyPaperweight]

Well that is what op said I'mnot she said her DP doesn't say no because if he does, his DC's will miss out. I was responding to what she said in her post.

[ImNotBloody14]

No you said dcs with separated parents- you didnt say why dont op's stepkids hear the word no?

[purpleroses]

Your DP has two choices:

• he can refuse to pay for the extras like trips and activities. His ex will then have to decide whether she wants to pay for these. If she decides not to and to spend her money on luxuries for herself, that's her right and your DP and the DCs will have to accept it.
  
  
• he can go on paying for these things, accepting that they are extras that he wants to see the DCs able to do which aren't a priority for their DM.
  
  If you feel he's not pulling his weight in your relationship or supporting your own DC adequately (because of these additional extras he's paying for) then you need to tell him that. It might be possible to compromise - ie pay for the activities that cost least or matter most to him or the DCs, but not everything they ask for.
  
  Ignore the ex's choice of lifestyle. As others have said, she may be funding it on credit cards for all you know.

[brdgrl]

Well that wasnt what op said brdgrl.

Yes. It is exactly what she said.

"I also want to start saving more of what's left of my hard earned money at the end of the month for our own DC's future. I have always treated my skids to day trips, clothes, meals etc, but now I feel that I should slow down on this as they have both their mum and dad being financially responsible for them, and that our DC only has me and a share from his dad, as he is rightly contributing towards the skids."

[ImNotBloody14]

But op isnt financially responsible! If she chooses to spend her money on them them thats up to her but the only two people who have any financial responsibility for the step dcs are the ex and ops dh.