BF is a widower...

[Stampingmyfeet]

Hi there

BF has a 9 yo dd. She lost her Mum when she was 5. I have dd 9 and ds 7. The kids have met a few times and on Saturday BF and his dd stayed over at ours. This went pretty well and the children seemed to have a nice time. I am VERY aware though that BF's dd finds this process tricky. She is often withdrawn and non-communicative (refuses to speak to anyone and turns her back) and sometimes seems angry. I'm also aware that 'jollying her along' isn't going to be anything like the answer.

I'd really like to be able to support her in feeling more comfortable around us. I imagine there are loads of issues for her about her bond with her Dad, jealousy, feeling overwhelmed by new people, needing to have control over her environment and of course grieving for her Mum.

Does anyone have any advice or any recommendations of reading material? On reflection I think BF and I underestimated how difficult his dd would find it and have taken things too fast. It's the first time he's introduced her to anyone and although she does seem to like me, she's obviously suffering.

Thanks in advance

x

[lunar1]

You sound lovely, and really thoughtful towards her feelings.

I think of you see this as a long term committed relationship I would just go really slowly with things. It will be worth it in the long run.

You also have to remember your own children in this, you don't want to move heaven and earth for his dd and forget your own.

I think if you
Move very slowly with things it will be easier to find a natural fit as a
Blended family in the long run than forcing things now. I can't imagine losing a parent so young, she may never be ready to be part of a step family.

Hopefully someone will be along with better advice soon!

[Stampingmyfeet]

Thank you for your reply.

I think we do need to slow it right down. You are also right in that my children need to know that they are just as important in this.

What you say about never being ready has also occurred to me - I think I've been very naïve.

x

[purpleroses]

I think your BF probably needs to take the lead in knowing how to deal with his DD. One of my DP's DCs was very hostile to me at first, but DP knew just where to draw the line with him - when to ignore, when to give him time, when to try to interact with him, and when to pull him up on plain bad manners and insist on interaction. Your BF will know his DD best and know what she can manage and how to get her used to changes. So I'd look to him to take the lead in how to manage it - though granted it's all uncharted territory for him too no doubt.

DP and I have similar aged DCs, and have struggled with jealousy between the two youngest. Lots of reassurance to my DD that I was still her mum was important, and clear boundaries over personal space helped DSS to accept her. When meeting up with all the DCs, being on neutral territory was easiest. His DD might also like a chance to get to know you apart from your DCs (if this is practical). Though both my DCs and DP's DCs have at times found it hard seeing their parent interacting with "rival" DCs - so good for your BF to step back from interacting with yours too much when DSD is first getting to know you all.

[Stampingmyfeet]

purpleroses

What you say about BF knowing where to draw the line with her is of course right - although as it's uncharted territory for everyone, he's still feeling his way too.

I was wondering about his DD seeing me without my DC - I was concerned that it might confuse the issue for her (too much like a 'Mum' figure?). I have seen her on her own when my kids are at their Dad's and she's said that she's enjoyed this.

Bless her, BF and his DD had a chat yesterday and she identified that she hates not being the centre of attention and struggles with BF treating all three kids equally when we're together.

I think we'll all get there - thank you for all your advice.

x

[purpleroses]

Might be a bit more gradual for her if she sees you without your DCs at first - going from being a family of 2 to a family of 5 is a big change to handle all at once. My DSD used to quite like coming round for kind of playdates with my DD - not necessarily with DP (usually because DP needed to work, or do something with one of the others) - that might be a more familiar kind of set up for your DP's DD too, again so she can get to know your DD without having to see her dad treat her as one of 3. As I said above, my DD (9) used to get really jealous when I was at all "mumsy" to DSS - I had to pull right back from engaging with him when she was around at first. Your DP might want to do likewise with your DCs. My DD is much better now though. She's more relaxed about everything.

[Stampingmyfeet]

Thank you.

I spent a bit of time with her on my own this weekend and she seemed relaxed and happy.

Again, thanks for your insight, it's really helpful

x