A question about blended families.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Hi.
Just to quickly introduce myself. I am not a step mum, but lurk here as my ex has a new partner, and while its hard I am coming to terms with the fact that she is my dcs step mum. I find reading this board really helpful sometimes, as I get to see the problems that occur in my family, but from the other side iyswim.

I have 2ds' (8 and 6) Their step mum has as dd (13) and ds (11) plus they are expecting a baby. Now this new relationship, and the pregnancy was all rather fast, and ds1 struggled with it to begin with.

This week ds1 said (for the millionth time) that he never gets time on his own with his dad, as his step brother and step sister are always there, even at pick up and drop off. He said he asked his dad (yet again) for time without them, but his dad said that they feel left out, and don't like it if he says they can't come with him.

So, ky question is, what is normal? Surely his step children should learn that they cant always be with him, and have to be told 'no' sometimes? (i get the impression this isn't something they hear often) I understand that they want to spend time with their step dad and brothers, but are my boys not entitled to some time alone with their daddy?

My own mum remarried, and her and my step dad always made sure that their children got time alone with each parent, and I was 18 when they married!

Thanks for reading, sorry its long! And hope you don't mind a non step parent posting here :)

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Sorry, just to be clear,
I don't think his step dc should never be allowed to be with him, just sometimes.

[DragonsAreReal]

I was the child your dc are now, all I wanted was my dad. Now as a step mum (ish for arguments sake but me and dp not married) I am conscious of that but dp wants us all together an doing things all the time. Even of I'm not there he will take all the kids to the cinema because he wants them all together. (although my situation is slightly different as they are all brother and sisters)

[IneedAyoniNickname]

If the other dc were brother and sister to my 2 I would probably feel differently tbh.
I just feel so sad for my ds1 who still cries himself to sleep some nights :(

[Purple2012]

Im a step mum. At the start I would disappear and do something so my SD didn't feel she was losing her Dad.I also made sure at the beginning I made ahort visits and didn't stay overnight.


Now we don't spend much time as a family as we both work shifts. SD hates me being at work and prefers it when we are all together.

[lunar1]

Sadly this happened to me too. My I got on really well with my step siblings at first, but over time I hated them as my db and I couldn't even say bye to our dad without them being there. They felt like intruders in our family, it wouldn't have been this way if the Klingon that was his partner would have given us an inch of space with OUR dad.

That one only lasted 18 months, but the waste of space my dad was is a whole different story

[MsColour]

We are in the process of becoming a step-family - dp moving in in September. This is something we have discussed as we would like to make sure the children have their own parent to themselves sometimes as well as time as a 'family' and have discussed ways round that. Think it will be important for them, especially in the early days.

What's your relationship like with your ex - is this something you could discuss with him or would he take it as interfering?

[IneedAyoniNickname]

I've tried speaking to him about it before, but he thinks I'm interfering, doesn't believe the dc said it originally, and will then bad mouth me to the boys.

for example, last week I asked him why ds1 was not using a booster in the car anymore. He said he was too tall, and I politely said that he's not. Instead of just saying, "ok sorry I thought he was" he stormed off and shouted over his shoulder "sorry boys, we were having a nice weekend until your mother ruined it by being a bitch"
He also knows that ds1 hates him referring to me as mother not mummy, but insists on doing it.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Lunar :( I just want to give child you a hug!

His last gf only lasted 18 months, and she was always there too (although had no dc). The boys often say "if daddy and x are still together then...."

[MsColour]

Sadly then, there is little you can do about it. It is his relationship with his children that he has s jeopardizing by not listening.

Hopefully having you there for them will be their security.

[Turniptwirl]

Can you speak to your ex? I know it's not always feasible though and may get interpreted as you being evil (which I don't think us true btw!)

But unfortunately you can't force your ex to do anything. If your son has asked and explained and still nothing changes its likely it won't :-(

Just be there for him and make sure he has special time with you

[IneedAyoniNickname]

needaholiday he lives with his step children so sees them everyday. He sees his own children once a week :(

Ah fuck him that's what I say! Me and my amazing dc spend loads of quality time together, and they know they come first for me :)

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Well I wouldn't have thought that any thing was more important than the dc, but he obviously doesn't see it that way.

Him and his gf got together in Sept, engaged in Oct, pregnant in Nov. It was all a bit quick IMO, and ds1 is still coming to terms with it. (ds2 appears to live on a different planet and not care!)

[sandiy]

Eventually they will vote with their feet and refuse to go He needs to realise this.Once they become more settled they will start voicing opinions it's up to him if he listens or not.