Can you blend families when one family is very priviliged and the other is not?

[financialnightmare]

Just wondering really...

I am dating a lovely guy who has done everything for his kids - always the best private schooling / etc. (Although no property - just rented houses.) His divorce finances mean he pays a lot in maintenane for the children and will pay for university etc.

I've always put money into a house but the the children haven't really had much. I'm not encouraging them to go to university because I don't think I can afford it.

Would this family set-up WORK? Or would the difference in the way we treat our children be too much hard work?

[Feelingbetterbyfar]

No. I would be very surprised to find someone reply that it can be done.

My dsc were raised like royalty (private schools, live in nanny...) eventhough their parents had middle management jobs, were occasionally unemployed. Problem was dh and exw were both raised by parents who suddenly became relatively wealthy due to husbands careers finally taking off. They were spoiled themselves and now spoil their kids. I would call them nouveau riches and its embarrassing how our neighbours complain of dsc snottiness towards them.

I was raised to be careful with money, my parents were happy to support me at times, but only ever with long term goals in mind, never to impress.
I raise my ds the same, yes, I can afford to spoil him occasionally but he does not have the attitude its owed to him. He has manners and I'm proud of him.

Have dp and his kids spend some time at your house, maybe weekends, to get an inkling of what a shared life would be like. Then you'll see if you can stomach them all in the long run...

[Picturepuncture]

Only if one side is willing to change a lot, or both sides are happy to compromise a lot.

And you really love each other enough to do this.

[purpleroses]

We have that situation and moved in together a year ago. DP is a high earner, with substial money going out on school fees and to his ex. Whilst I have a job, and owned a modest house with a mortgage, I had nothing like his level of income - my DCs at state schools.

I think you can do it, but it does throw up a lot of issues you need to resolve. One thing is that the state will assume you to be one family with shared finances. So if your DCs do want to go to University - if you stay living alone and can't afford it they will get grants to cover some of their living expenses, but if you move in with a high earner then they won't. (All students can get the loans to cover tuition fees and only have to pay them back on a proportion of earnings over around £20,000, so they're really nothing to worry about). Same if you lost your job - as it is, you could claim benefits, but living with a high earning partner, you can't. So your DP would need to be comfortable with some degree of supporting you and your DCs unless you were to actually miss out by living with him.

On top of that, if your DCs are similar in age, then they're going to make comparisions between their lives. To some extent I think this can be a good thing - widens DSC's horizons to understand about how 90% of children in the country go to school. But there are tensions. Not least over choice of school. My DC1 was happily settled at state secondary before we moved in, so he's fine. But my DC2 will be applying to secondaries in the autumn and is very keen on the one that DSC go to. It would be harsh to say she can't, so DP and I have discussed it and he's agreed to help with the cost if we agree that that's the best school for her - again it means him taking on financial obligations to my DCs.

The other thing I guess is values and lifestyles - and on this issue DP and I don't differ greatly. Despite his high earnings he is pretty frugal in most aspects of his life - we shop similarly, etc. But if you and your DP are from very different backgrounds with different expectations and styles of living, I think that could be a problem too.

[financialnightmare]

Thanks everyone - it's so valuable to hear wise words...

Purpleroses: that sounds very much like my situation, almost to a tee. In general, I think it makes me bristle and DP feel v. embarassed that he started on this road, which isn't really him. (Or so he says!)

We do have v. similar lifestyles in terms of frugality. He has always been a Disney dad though...

Lots of food for thought. Thanks.

[ladydeedy]

Please do not discourage your children from going to university because you think you cannot afford it. They will get loans/grants. they can also apply for bursaries and scholarships. They may never have to pay anything back, depending on how much they earn when working and, if they do, it will not be at a punitive rate. It is an investment in their own future, one hopefully with more options the more qualified they can be. You do not actually have to pay anything towards their education and most students do some time of part time work to help fund themselves or their social life. Please read Moneysavingexpert guide to uni fees and costs.

[Feelingbetterbyfar]

Agree with ladydeedy. A higher education is not a luxury and they will thank you for encouraging them and helping to make it work.

[matana]

What ladydeedy said. Dh feels that uni is an expensive luxury. I agree that it's expensive but would still encourage it. My parents couldn't afford to subsidise me at uni, so I got some loans and worked a lot in holidays. I don't think parents should necessarily foot the bill and I credit my parents with providing me with a good work ethic.

As for blended families, it'll be very tough. Compromise on both sides is the key. Dsd1 has always expected everything to be handed to her on a plate and for the world to revolve around her desire for better phones and laptops. Though her mum has indulged her, luckily my dh feels the same way I do and we've stood firm. Dsd2 is a totally different character. Her mum has indulged her too, but she seems to respect dh and I and understands that people's beliefs and abilities and values are different and she accepts that. She has never asked us for anything. Consequently we give it to her freely when we can and have and amazing relationship with her. Dsd1 has caused us rather more heartache unfortunately.