Lose Lose Situation!

(87 Posts)
needaholidaynow Mon 24-Jun-13 08:05:21

For the first time in a pretty long time DSD's mum kicked up a fuss about me last night.

Basically, DSD has got a dance show coming up soon, it's her first one since starting doing dancing. I've not seen her dance yet but DP says she's really good at it and she loves doing it. This show was a chance for me to see her dancing.

However, as I have 2 very young children aged 2 and 4mo to look after I can't go. We've asked around for a babysitter and tried really hard to get it sorted but we can't find one. I don't think it would be fair on DS1 to have to sit still for 2 whole hours, and to get all frustrated and it be a horrible experience for him. It wouldn't be fair on him. DS2 is fine, he's a baby and will probably sleep through most of it. But DS1 is a toddler and very restless and would get upset. DP told his ex I won't be going and she really wasn't happy about it.

She said if it was my son I'd be there watching him. Well, yes I would as he would be the one performing and obviously wouldn't need looking after. If DS2 couldnt go and we didnt have a babysitter then again unfortunately only one of us could go to that one! Same applies and I don't know what makes her think her daughter's show is an exception! This emotional blackmail was the thing that got to me. As much as I would like to go and watch her, I have to think about DSs' well being and ensure they are comfortable and happy. An environment like the show would not be suitable for DS1 but she just doesn't seem to understand this.

It is just unfortunate that I can't attend this show. My dad is away on holiday, ILs won't look after them (yeah they're not going either), my mum is at work that day. Hopefully the next show I can attend as I'd really like to see it, and in the future when they are older we can all go as a family to watch her and DSs will enjoy it, but this one is near impossible and DSD's mum doesn't understand that my commitments mean I can't go. I think if it was any other commitment like work the. She would fine with it, but because that commitment is indeed my children, she doesn't like the fact that I am putting their well being before her daughter's show. That's the impression that I am getting and I don't appreciate having to justify myself.

It's a situation where each outcome will mean someone is unhappy. If I don't go then DSD's mum will be angry at me, but if I do go then DS1 will have to switch off being a toddler for 2 hours, which ain't going to happen as its impossible!

psychologymum Mon 01-Jul-13 10:13:18

You can only do your best. Don't worry about what DSD's mum thinks or says. It sounds like you have made the right decision.

Tuckshop Mon 01-Jul-13 08:41:52

If you usually get on why don't you just ring her and explain? You haven't actually heard from the horses mouth how she feels, you just have your dp's interpretation. Like you say, it doesn't seem to make sense in the context of your previous relationship with her.

I think I'd be speaking to her direct before I started to get caught up in the whole she's just doing this to give herself an opportunity to point score thing.

Dejected Sun 30-Jun-13 17:30:39

You will never be right in this situation unfortunately so do what is best for you, your DH and your children (including DSD). Sod everyone else.

needaholidaynow Sun 30-Jun-13 13:09:30

Just seen DP's ticket for the show, and it starts at 4:30pm.

My DS refuses to nap on most days. Some days by around this time he gets really cranky, depends how he is feeling, and will want to go to bed by 6. It is a phase he is going through at the moment; hates napping during the day so by late afternoon he has a little meltdown lol. It'll pass.

I thought the show was at around 1ish! Even more reason for him not to be there an therefore me not to go.

daisychain01 Sat 29-Jun-13 20:00:52

Sure the OP is able to make her mind up, as I am sure she will. On that we can definitely agree. I am sure we have her best interests at heart whatever approach we choose to use.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 29-Jun-13 09:50:03

Do you really feel you are helping the situation or making things worse?

Of course I think I'm helping - but perhaps I don't think you are? Taking the moral high ground can be soul (and relationship) destroying over time - sometimes fighting fire with fire can be more effective.
Surely it's up to the OP to decide for herself which approach to take - and maybe we won't all agree with her wink

emilyeggs Sat 29-Jun-13 08:23:39

Bravo prettypaper! I'm still gutted about sports day, never mind. I also got told not to wash dsc clothes once (that's in the past now) grin

daisychain01 Sat 29-Jun-13 08:12:12

Prettpaperweight, it is a shame you appear to be stirring negativity a bit too much. OP has given some further helpful insight to her original post saying that in general terms they all get on, and yes she is upset by this latest situation and needs to move things forward I sense that needaholiday needs support but not in the way you are doing! your latest post is contining to take the contrary view by responding negatively to mumsandboys (who aimed to illustrate there could be a different explanation, given OP and DSDs mum do normally get along reasonably) Having read your latest post it comes across as perpetuating bad feeling rather than suggesting to needaholiday to step away from things and detach, for her own peace of mind, rather than keep going on and on. Do you really feel you are helping the situation or making things worse?

PrettyPaperweight Sat 29-Jun-13 07:21:52

mother is happy to have step mother in child's life. Mother believes she is doing the 'right thing' by inviting step mother to child's dance recital. Step mother can't attend. Mother put out by this - rightly or wrongly - and expresses it.
you do realise that you have constant conflict with the ex because you look for it, don't you?

Or
......why,why, why?

Stepmum is happy to play an active role in stepdaughters life. Stepmum (rightly or wrongly) thinks she's doing the right thing by declining invitation to daughters dance recital. Mum put out by this and has a go at her exH about it.
You do realise that there is conflict between ex partners because Mum is looking for it, don't you?

daisychain01 Fri 28-Jun-13 22:16:24

Nice one :-) I'm enjoying a nice vino * hic *

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 22:16:10

True true. I've got to say that usually we all get on and everything is amicable. This is why it took me so aback when she actually kicked off. She's had her moments in the past. It just struck me as a bit odd that she only had a go about me not attending yet didn't mention anything about DSD's paternal GPs not going and then decided to throw the emotional blackmail in, trying to make me go down the guilt trip to try and get me to change my mind. Well that's what it felt like anyway.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 22:02:33

OP, think of it this way...for her to be this bitter and twisted she must be very unhappy with her life. I think of this when DSSs' mother is being evil.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:58:22

Actually sod that, it's not a competition. She'd feel like she's got her own way! Can't believe I've actually just said that and gone against my own values. sad

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 21:54:38

That's unfair, how was the OP to expect trouble from the ex for no attending her DSCs show? She didn't exactly ask for that hmm

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:52:45

Haha well my DS has taken quite a keen interest in the iPhone/ iPad MissStrawberry I am actually considering giving him that to play with you know. And the more I think about her wanting to prove a point to me, the more I want to prove a point that I have two children of my own that I want her to see. Hmmm, I am actually considering going now, but if DS gets upset and unsettled I will take him home.

mumandboys123 Fri 28-Jun-13 21:51:20

why, why, WHY??????

mother is happy to have step mother in child's life. Mother believes she is doing the 'right thing' by inviting step mother to child's dance recital. Step mother can't attend. Mother put out by this - rightly or wrongly - and expresses it. Step mother, egged on by god knows how many other step mothers, twists what to any sensible person is simply something where two people are somewhat at cross-purposes and not getting on, into something really quiet sinister involving hours of careful thought about just who is important and who isn't in the father's life. The father. What on earth has he got to do with it?

you do realise that you have constant conflict with the ex because you look for it, don't you?

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:48:54

Oops, their daughter. Not her daughter!

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 21:48:09

Maybe you could do a trial run to see what you need to give to your DS to keep him happy and quiet for 2 hours at this show?? (as long as you could leave sharpish so the child isn't distressed) wink

<remembers shovelling rice cakes into DS2's mouth aged about 2 at DS1's assembly in a vain attempt to keep him quiet.>

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:46:15

She is basically clutching at straws to prove a point.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:44:06

It's horrible but I actually think missstrawberry and prettypaperweight are speaking sense here and there are people out there who behave like that. And you know, I do believe there is an element of this in DP's ex's attitude.

This whole marking her territory lark- its pathetic. DSD's mum doesn't seem bothered that the in laws aren't going. She hasn't once mentioned them. But when she learned about me not going, well, that was a whole different story. I'm the one that came along after her aren't I, and despite her not wanting him, she didn't want him to have anyone else. Then he fell for me and basically got over her. Now we have two children together as well as his daughter. The only thing that they have in common is that they have a daughter together.

So when she learned that I wasn't going, this riled her because she realise that she wouldn't be getting her big moment to prove to me that she "got in there first". It makes me laugh really, thinking I actually give a damn. Whether my children were born first or second for DP, they are still our children and we love them. This must bug her that not everything revolves around her daughter anymore.

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 21:26:38

<shakes hands with PrettyPaperweight>

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 21:23:30

How bizarre. Sometimes things make me realise the human race really hasn't evolved very far from our predecessors

PrettyPaperweight Fri 28-Jun-13 21:16:54

missstrawberry I don't think you're far wrong there; this is a perfect opportunity for the OPs DPs ex to publically mark her territory - after all, he is the father of her DD who is starring in the show!

Some Mums would actually set their DCs stepmum up - invite her along to an event and then play the victim to her friends/other parents about how insensitive it was of her to turn up.
I don't think that's the case here; Mum is clearly marking her territory by dictating how her DCs stepmum should behave - playing the trump card of I'm the mother as a way of pulling rank, putting the OP in her place and reminding her that despite having a family with her ex, he is her ex, and therefore she had him before the OP!

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 20:47:37

That just doesn't make any sense. By the sounds of the OP sees the child on a regular basis. Are you suggesting the ex is wanting the OP to attend, leaving her own child behind, to illustrate how important her partners first child is? That seems twisted to me clearly to the extent I have great difficulty comprehending it!

Ledkr Fri 28-Jun-13 20:45:33

My dd is in a show tomorrow night and I only bought one ticket as dh will fall asleep needs to look after dd2 who would spoil the show if she came.
She's being an idiot if you ask me.
Dance moms are a bit weird.

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