Feeling really sorry for DP this evening :(

(22 Posts)
needaholidaynow Fri 21-Jun-13 18:13:53

We're having DSD this weekend whilst her mum goes on a camping trip. We had her last weekend too so this is out of the usual arrangement but we're not bothered.

All DSD has done since came in is moan. DP bought DS a toy from the pound shop whilst he was out with him and she was almost in tears that he didn't buy her one. She's got tons of toys and he bought it him to shut him up earlier lol. Then straight after her tea she is hungry and now she wants her mum.

DP is so fed up. He feels like he has severely let how down because of a toy from the pound shop that he didn't buy for her, and that he can't feed her properly, and now she wants her mum even though she has been with her mum the past couple of nights. She says she needs to see her mum and that she hasn't seen her all day, so DP snapped at her and said, "Well I'm your dad and you haven't seen me for a few days!"

He's currently not working. I think he's a bit depressed and he has told me that his daughter really gets him down with the things she says sad He can't do all of the fun things that her mum does etc.. And she is always asking to either go to nanna's or to see her mum. He can't offer her anything other than his love but it doesn't seem enough. I want him to find a job for his sake more than anything, so he can feel proud that he's providing for his children.

So with her mum going on a camping trip, not considering to take DSD and then DP feeling like the bad guy tonight, I don't blame him for feeling fed up! sad

SoupDragon Fri 21-Jun-13 18:17:35

Remember that there is every chance her mother gets a similar level of whining from her as well as "I want daddy". I know that certainly happens in my house (I'm the RP).

runningonwillpower Fri 21-Jun-13 18:24:56

How old is DSD?

If she's little, try seeing it from her point of view. It's hard being little sometimes.

needaholidaynow Fri 21-Jun-13 18:29:15

She's 7 running so yeah she's little. It just upsets me to see DP like this.

purpleroses Fri 21-Jun-13 18:31:42

Does she like camping? Maybe she's feeling that her mum's left her behind - esp if she's with you outside the normal routine. Could be no reflection on how she feels about her dad at all - just that she's feeling a little rejected by her mum. But like you said, if your DP is a bit sensitive about his role and providing for her as a parent already he's probably taking it more harshly than he should. She's allowed to miss her mum sometimes though - doesn't mean your DP's done anything wrong.

needaholidaynow Fri 21-Jun-13 18:37:26

Yeah she's been camping with her mum a few times before and enjoyed it. I guess her mum wanted to do it alone with her partner without any kids around. We're all entitled to a little break at some point I suppose.

purpleroses Fri 21-Jun-13 18:45:26

Oh yes, absolutely. Her mum's entitled to some time with her DP - and it's sometimes necessary to swap weekends around to fit in with adults' lives as well as the kids. It's healthy that they learn that that happens.
Me and my ex swap around quite a bit.

I just meant from DSD's point of view, she might be feeling a little left out and that she wouldn't necessarily have meant that she doesn't want to see her dad. It's nothing for anyone to get too fussed over - just remind her she'll see her mum after the weekend, and next weekend, and distract her with something else to do if she's missing her. It'll pass.

needaholidaynow Fri 21-Jun-13 18:57:11

Yeah absolutely. Me and DP love our alone time together and we've got a very rare night out at the pictures coming our way on Tuesday night coming. It's brilliant that he and his ex can swap weekends and nights to suit each other etc..

Yeah we will keep her entertained this weekend. Like I said DP is feeling depressed, not just about this but about all aspects of his life. He feels like failure but I repeatedly assure him that he's not.

Turniptwirl Fri 21-Jun-13 19:26:07

Give dd and dp a project to do together to distract them both from bad feelings. It can be anything! Make up a treasure hunt together for you to do, or find a collection of something (leaves, bugs, flowers, take photos) and identify them, decorate her bedroom at your house, build a den (inside or outside), make the longest paper chain in the world, cook a three course meal. Doesn't have to be anything expensive, many of these suggestions are free!

Kaluki Fri 21-Jun-13 19:59:49

I think this is one of those situations we all face at times when you feel like a shit parent and you can't do right for doing wrong!
Children can be cruel and lash out when things don't go their way. Your DP needs to grow a thick skin and ignore her. The worst thing he can do is try to appease her.
It's hard, and heartbreaking to watch. My DSC are experts at making DP feel like a crap dad and compare him to their mums bf who apparently is superman himself!
Just remind your DO that no parent is perfect and he is a good dad and its worth remembering that she is taking it out on him because she feels she can, which is a good thing.

babyhmummy01 Sat 22-Jun-13 00:50:17

needaholiday sending hugs huni, sounds like you and dp are having a nightmare weekend.

Ignore dsd she is prob tired after a long week at school and feeling left out cos she should be with mum this weekend and now isn't.

Hug ur dp, make him a cuppa and curl up with a film

chloesaidfred Sat 22-Jun-13 11:36:26

What is his relationship with mum like? If he can talk to her then chances are she does the same thing at her house.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sat 22-Jun-13 11:42:02

He made a huge mistake not buying her a toy - the value doen't matter. It's that he favoured his DS over her.

She's only 7 and missing her mum - ask DP to try to see it from her point of view not his

Kaluki Sat 22-Jun-13 14:53:57

So by that reasoning every time her mum buys her something she should buy something for ds then!
What nonsense!!

SoupDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 16:11:25

So by that reasoning every time her mum buys her something she should buy something for ds then

The DS isn't the child of the girl's mother's confused

OnTheNingNangNong Sat 22-Jun-13 16:22:43

I can sympathise. I had my DSS to stay while my husband was working and he sobbed that he missed his mum at bedtime. I can remember feeling the same when I was younger and away from home (I come from a split family).
The toy thing is really important. Just because she has lots (I assume your DC has nothing?) Its about being equal. Not favouring one child.

Oh and 7 year olds are continually hungry, even after tea my DS1 is famished.
She's continually trying to find her place in the world and while it is hurtful for the adults involved its kind of a necessity for children to talk about what they do at the others house. It's not a 'look what I do here, I want to do it'. So try not to think of it as a slight.

needaholidaynow Sat 22-Jun-13 17:27:28

He made a huge mistake not buying her a toy - the value doen't matter. It's that he favoured his DS over her.

Actually it didn't even occur to him. He was out with DS in town whilst DSD was at school. DS was having a bit of a wobbler and the toy shut him up. In that spur of the moment he didn't think, "Oh I must buy my daughter one as well." It isn't like he went all out to Toys R Us and bought a really cool toy for him knowing full well that he should buy his daughter one as well. That toy from yesterday is in the bin now because DS snapped it. He didn't mean to hurt his daughter.

needaholidaynow Sat 22-Jun-13 17:36:34

Oh he would never favour one of his children over the other sad DS isn't favoured, they are treated equally. There have been times where he has been out with just DSD and he's bought her a little toy or magazine or a cheap DVD but hasn't bought anything for DS. It all equals out in the end because he does the same with DS.

But yesterday he wasn't even intending to buy ANY of them anything, just a spur of the moment solution yesterday.

needaholidaynow Sat 22-Jun-13 17:45:20

Oh and he didn't buy DS2 anything either. Plenty of baby toys out there. But no it didn't even occur to him. So I guess 2 children out of the 3 are less favoured by their dad.

Kaluki Sat 22-Jun-13 22:58:59

My point is that DSD will get treats from her mum when she is with her that DS won't get.
She wasn't even in the shop!

FedupofTurkey Thu 25-Jul-13 09:14:19

Struggling, feeling inadequate sad

FedupofTurkey Thu 25-Jul-13 09:20:59

Oops wrong thread

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