When things arent fair

(14 Posts)
whattodo472 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:16:46

This is probably going to break from the norm of posters saying different children in the household are treated differently by their bio parent but how do you deal with it when you sc are being treated by their bio parent and its causing problems.

we are a blended family, no children together, but children of our own. lived together for over 5 years but its really starting to bug me how differently dps children get treated by him. for example one child wont eat tea will be made to sit there until they do, other child wont eat tea throws a strop and he ends up giving in. over the weekend they were messing and one child got hurt, decided to even the score by hitting. all he did was talk about why it wasnt acceptable to hit with no punishments. other child hits whether it be at home or school and is on time out from selected things for that night. it is causing problems they are both old enough to know that the way they are treated is not equal and will say oh but x got to do this, or x didnt get time out or whatever it is and i resent dealing with it because it wasnt me that enforced it or even agrees with it half the time

if im being honest i think its for an easy life one child is much more likely to accept the punishment and the other will argue the toss and generally kick off. but it is blaringly obvious and i am noticing alot more defiance and general mouthiness from child who gets away with things easier because she thinks she is untouchable. three times this weekend i asked her to do a simple task and just got ignored, when i asked why it is acceptable to hit i got answered back its like she thinks she will get away with it because she knows her dad will be harder on the other child.

If you know me, dont out me. i genuinely need help to deal with this and restore some normality.

NoRainNoRainbow Sun 16-Jun-13 08:19:35

Is the other child she's hitting and your DP is treating differently to her, her bio sibling or step sibling?

whattodo472 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:30:00

bio , granted that was a one off incident but she has been very rude to both bio and step siblings of the last few weeks but its so noticeable that one child does it and he says right you are not doing x now whereas she will just get the you shouldnt do that.

babyhmummy01 Sun 16-Jun-13 09:30:29

I think you need to have firm words with your dp hun. It is totally unacceptable to treat the 2 kids differently.

I have had a similar issue with my godsons as their mum comes down like a ton of bricks on the eldest for everything but youngest gets away with murder. It's not easy to approach or deal with I am afraid. My mate and I were very close (not now due to totally separate issue)so I felt able to spell it out to her. She hasn't changed but she is better at trying to be even
Good luck

whattodo472 Sun 16-Jun-13 09:33:05

I think thats the problem he just doesnt see it. i have said many times that if that were x child they would be in serious amounts more trouble and he will say they both need treating differently/different things work. which might be the case but he is turning her into a madam who always expects to not be told off for anything its maddening.

catsmother Sun 16-Jun-13 10:29:36

I think you do sometimes have to make certain age-related allowances for children of significantly different ages as their understanding of how to behave and right and wrong would naturally be different - but the basic principle should remain the same, i.e. if a particular misdemeanour is considered unacceptable in your household then it remains unacceptable no matter what the age of the child in question though the approach could be different as, say, an 11 year old would usually have more insight than a 5 year old IYKWIM. Similarly, if a child had special needs which affected their understanding and/or ability to behave in the "correct" manner you would probably also adjust your approach to discipline.

However, where kids are similar ages, and where there are no other extenuating circumstances to be taken into account then of course the only fair way to deal with it is to be consistent. As you say, the child who's treated leniently will soon pick up on this and take advantage - and probably lord it over the less favoured kids. If your DP can't come up with a good reason why this child is favoured (along the lines I've described above) then clearly he is being unreasonable and he'll not only create a spoilt brat but also cause huge resentment amongst the other kids. It should go without saying that both adults should agree house rules and suitable discipline for all the kids so everyone knows where they stand.

whattodo472 Sun 16-Jun-13 12:03:46

aside from the hitting incident it is always silly things but things none the less that one would get a particular sanction for and the other would just get told not to do that. not much age wise between them

Kaluki Sun 16-Jun-13 20:19:50

We have thus situation. DP blatantly favours DSD and she can be a manipulative little madam! DSS is very quiet and placid and usually spends all his time playing football outside with my boys.
DP had a bit of a wake up call when DSS said that he hates his sister. He said it with such venom that it shocked us. The reason he hates her is because she gets away with everything and gets him into trouble and tbh I don't blame him.
DP is trying now to redress the balance by focussing more on DSS and less on DSD but she always manages to spoil it for DSS somehow (latest ploy is to fake illnesses or 'hurt herself') and she is the baby of the family, daddy's little princess whereas DSS is the spitting image of his mum and can be quite aloof and distant.
It's so hard to watch and I find myself favouring DSS because he is a lively bit and I feel sorry for him.

Kaluki Sun 16-Jun-13 20:21:02

Lovely boy
Not bit!!
Stupid phone!!

whattodo472 Sun 16-Jun-13 20:26:21

kaluki you have just described our lives almost word for word. if you ever want to pm your strategies of how to deal with id be most appreciative. i can totally relate to what your saying we already see the well she didnt have to do x,y,z why do i and i think its only so long before he realises just how different the balance is further. I love them to bits i really do but things behaviour and attitude wise seem to be getting worse as though she is outraged somebody has dared to argue with her. we also had the oh ow i have hurt my x when she was in trouble for being rude to her brothers and soon as well if you have hurt yourself you cannot do x it suddenly didnt hurt anymore.

brdgrl Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:33

kaluki, we had similar here (I say "had", because DH has been really working to address this and it does seem to have lessened quite a bit).

DSD was very much favoured by DH. They are more alike, in some ways, then DH and DSS. I also know that when the DSCs mum was alive, she was very close to DSS as her 'baby', and in part I am told to compensate for the closeness (she felt) between DH and DSD - so that their family was almost two teams - DH/DSD, and mum/DSS. This meant that they had just years and years of kind of excluding DSS, and then that was all exaggerated by the way that DSD was 'spousified', so that she was incredibly bossy and domineering to DSS, who was really infantalised.

When I met them, DSS was simultaneously very close to DSD, and very, very resentful and angry about her dominant role, and sadly, I think they both rather believed that DH loved DSS more.

DH caught on to this eventually, but only as DSS became more confident and assertive...DH was gutted by it, and like I say, he's now much more careful to respect DSS.

I found it much easier to get along with DSS, partly because we are simply more temperamentally alike, but also because he was almost grateful when I came along, I think it restored a bit of balance that was missing - he wasn't so outnumbered anymore! Now he is a stroppy teenager, but I think I am still his biggest advocate in the household, because I will call DH out when I see him treating them unfairly.

On the other hand, it definitely made things tougher with DSD, because not only was she now having to share daddy, and losing her role as 'lady of the house', but she was also not being allowed to lord it over DSS quite so much.

brdgrl Sun 16-Jun-13 21:49:21

that DH loved DSS more.

oops, I meant "loved DSD more."

Kaluki Mon 17-Jun-13 12:36:30

I don't really have any strategies as such. To be honest I've given up trying! I've told DP over and over and if he wants to screw up his dc then its really his lookout sad
I can't make DP treat them equally so what I do is make sure that I treat them absolutely the same and I take no shit from DSD. Although she doesn't try it on with me because she knows I see straight through her silly games. I always make sure that at some point when they stay I make time to have a chat to DSS and praise him up in some way. He can be a little wotsit but a lot of his naughtiness is instigated by DSD and I will flag that up to DP where I see things he doesn't.
I always remember going Christmas shopping for the kids with DP when we first got together. He bought loads and loads for DSD, never mentioned DSS once. Then I asked what he was getting him and he looked stumped (almost like he'd forgotten he existed) Then he asked what I'd got my boys and got pretty much the same things for DSS as an afterthought. So sad

Eliza22 Thu 27-Jun-13 14:10:01

Why do dad's do this? Especially, with daughters? My DH once gave my son (then 10) an absolute roasting as he brought his Nintendo Ds to the dining table. He wasn't using it but placed it beside him, on the table. He has autism and is very specific about things so, he wanted to have it near him. At the same meal, his daughter (15) brought her mobile phone and was texting and the bloody thing was "beep, beep" all through Christmas dinner. I said not one word but later said how unfair it was. He had no idea of why I was making this point shock

Speak to your partner. Household rules should be for everyone, end of.

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