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worn out with step son(12 Posts)
Im new to this but after reading some of the help offered I thought I would give it a go. I got with my other half 3 years ago and moved in after 6 months we knew each other for many years before this. he had a 2 year old that visits every other weekend. his ex initially made it very difficult for me to be around when he was staying and I went out of my way to leave my home when he was there until it was agreed that I could be around. since then I help in every way possible. I made it clear from the start that I wanted a child and I think he kept to this as he did not want to lose me. our daughter is now 17 months old and the apple of my eye. however thinks are increasingly difficult. before she came along my husband entertained his son when we had him and I would help and prepare meals and wash and clean (so the boring stuff ) but that was fine. With our own child he does not help much our daughter does not sleep through and I always to the night shift, he also expects me to work full time clean, cook and wash and iron etc.
He now is expecting me to take on the responsibility of looking after his son - if we have him on a week night sometimes my husband will go off and do his hobby leaving me to sort out both kids for night routines. He also does his own thing on a weekend and expects me to look after his son too. Dont get me wrong I am happy to do things as a family. and to look after him for a bit but I resent him doing other things when his son is here to see him and is asking for Daddy what is the point in us having him there?
I also find myself resentful as he does not help or have much time to do nice things with our daughter. He has only bathed her by himself once! fed her a few times etc. He has never taken her to the park... but when his son is here he will go over the top taking over the front room to build huge train tracks and leave little room for our daughter to play, also what ever I say is always wrong! I find that any affection that I had for my step son is going and I resent how things have to be so different when he is around. Also all the rules that used to apply to him when he was young dont apply the same for my daughter. Eg bed time husband insisted on complete quiet when trying to get his son to sleep when v young but he is happy for his son to make noise and giggle when I am trying to get our daughter to bed. If I ask nicely for them to keep the noise down I get told to 'shut up' in front of his child.
Does any one else out there have any similar story and how do you deal with it. I feel he asks a lot of me and though he wants his son there he does not want to deal with him all the time. His son is starting to be a bit naugty and I dont want this effecting our daughter. If I try and broach the subject I am always wrong!
Please help me I feel like I am worn out and loosing the plot - is this normal or and I being walked over?
Lordy I'm sorry, it sounds awful. I have to ask, what do you get out of this relationship, what does he do for you?
You are being walked over. It's not fair that different rules apply to the two children's need for sleep, quiet and play space. Do you ever get time to do your own thing, like he does? It doesn't sound like it.
He sounds rude, you sound used. I think you need to sit an talk to your DP and change things now or consider that this relationship may not be good for you and your daughter.
Your DSS will pick up on your DP's lack of respect for you an blatant favourtism for him and will use it. He is likely to display the same rudeness and diarespectfulness to you as his dad does as he grows older.
If he only has DSS every other weekend surely he can ensure the majority of that time he is available to see and look after him rather then you. It's only 2 days out of very 14.
you ARE being walked over. thats why you feel like that
You're being walked all over. Honestly from your post it sounds as if you could leave your husband and your life would be a whole lot easier. I'm not saying you should necessarily do that, but you will probably have to threaten to leave, and mean it, for things to change in your relationship. At the moment your husband has the life of Riley, with you picking up all his responsibilities when he doesn't feel like it.
Thanks but I cant leave because I could not bear to be without my daughter for even 1 day. I have threatned but he knows this is idle because of our daughter. we never get on when his son is there now. Do you think I should stop offering to do things with his son and to go out with my daugher and her friends for the day when he is there? or do you think that is unfair?
also, is it unfair if I wanted to go on a holdiay with just our daughter when his ex takes the son away on holiday ? We always have a family holiday each year, but when I asked just to have an extra holiday with our daughter to make if fair for her (in respect of 2 holidays) he said no not with out his son? am I being unreasonable in that?
Fgs why are you putting up with this?
He's a lazy, domineering, rude git, with no respect for you or your time.
He sounds awful tbh I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that you are having to put up with this. You must be exhausted. I recognise that your post will only be a small window into your relationship and I really hope that there are positives that you have not mentioned here.
Honestly I think the step parenting issues are a symptom of a much wider problem - that being you DP, however...
It may help in the (very) short term to:
have a shared bedtime routine, explain that the same rules apply for both children - so whilst one might get to stay up a bit later, they still have a bath at the same time, pj's on etc, that way they can both start to wind down... you also need to be extremely clear with DP that your daughter deserves a quiet, calm environment when going to bed and him telling you to shut up is absolutely NOT acceptable.
You also need to explain that whilst you are more than happy to do family things, and look after DS at times, it should not be a regular occurance and as he is with you so infrequently, DP really needs to be doing the lions share of the childcare with him.
That said, I am not usually a LTB type, but really, I think you can do so so much better than this. Your daughter too.
Sending big unmumsnetty hugs xx
Thank you all for your support, sometimes I feel like I am the one in the wrong but you have all helped and feeling a bit stronger about this now x
You are really not in the wrong here. Keep working on your partner and posting here and you will get support.
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