I just wanted to say goodbye and good luck...

(76 Posts)
Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 11:16:59

I am not flouncing from MN but I will very soon be hiding the Step-parenting topic.

Help with step-parenting problems is what first brought me to MN, and through the crap I got a lot of support from some lovely, wise and experienced step mothers, and I'm so grateful.

Most of my SP woes are in the past now and I do try to post help and support where I can - but I'm sick of the views against step mothers on here, the taring with the same brush, the massive assumptions, the sweeping generalisations which seem reserved just for this area of the site, - it's been the same since I've been here but recently it seems intensified - it's relentless and exhausting and I don't have the fight to keep arguing 'our' corner.

I did everything I could for my step children to help them feel important, included, equal, part of my family. - When my own children arrived I made massive sacrifices and compromises to continue this and it sickens me to constantly read the view 'you knew what you were taking on when you got with someone with children..'

No-one knows what it will be like to be a stepparent, do we know what the rest of our lives as parents will be when we have our first child? of course not.

A parent posts "I am at the end of my tether, my child is so badly behaved/ won't sleep at night - I'm so tired/ he says he hates me/ she's jealous of the new baby/ she won't do her homework and lies to the teachers.." do they get told "suck it up, you knew what you were getting into when you had children" ??

Enough said.

Good luck to you all, it's been emotional.

<whispers> hear, hear.

<outs self as step-parent>

<goes back to lurking>

NatashaBee Mon 10-Jun-13 11:26:16

<applauds>

brdgrl Mon 10-Jun-13 11:37:50

You are so right, fenton, and I absolutely understand how you feel.
You are right that it has intensified, although I think it is a cyclical sort of thing...every so often, there is a renewed campaign, IYKWIM.

I have had the same thoughts and I know other women who have left the boards over the exact same issues. I am sad that you are going, because we all need support. It's a shame that we can't expect the same level of support (from MN/other posters) as the other mums on mumsnet. It really is.

I'm pm-ing you with my email and if you ever want to just vent or have a sympathetic ear, do email me. Good luck with your family. x

Petal02 Mon 10-Jun-13 11:50:44

I'll be sorry to see you go, Fenton. You seem like the sort of girl who I'd drink wine with.

Take care.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 12:19:11

I'm glad you mentioned 'venting' brdgrl (you are always bird girl in my head, btw)

Because we all need to vent don't we? but where parents are allowed to say 'ARRRGGGHH that's it, I cannot put up with my child's behaviour!!!' and get a sympathetic ear, a stepmother cannot under ANY circumstances say anything negative about a stepchild without " sad you sound like you don't even like him, and he knows it sad "

<sigh>

Petal wine chin, chin my love wine

MrsDeVere Mon 10-Jun-13 12:25:16

I am not a step parent but I am a mother to a child I didn't give birth to. Its not the same but it does make me empathetic towards SMs.
I won't pretend to understand. I have seen some pretty nasty stuff on MN though.

A lot of projection.

I agree, you need to be able to vent. We all do. Seems if you are a SP, an adoptive parent, a parent of a large family or a parent of a child with special needs you are not quite allowed.

Anyway, will stop hijacking.

Hope you are ok

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 12:33:42

I am ok, lovely MrsD, - just feeling rather defeated in this particular area now, but since it was my original MN 'home' I wanted to bid it farewell.

smile

Stepmooster Mon 10-Jun-13 12:37:50

Thanks Fenton, you really summed it up quite well for us step mums. I would just like to echo what you put, "I got a lot of support from some lovely, wise and experienced step mothers, and I'm so grateful."

I too am so grateful to all the very experienced step mothers out there on MN offering words of wisdom and suggestions that have made such a difference to how I parent and step-parent over the last last years or so.

I would like to buy you all a a glass of wine and flowers.

travellingwilbury Mon 10-Jun-13 12:38:43

My step mum is and was fab , in the same way that any other mum is .

I have no doubt that we drove her to distraction sometimes and it must have been really hard for her at times but she never showed it and in fact it wasn't for her being so lovely I am sure that I wouldn't have had half as much to do with my dad over the years (he is also lovely but rubbish at keeping in touch)

I am always really surprised at the responses on here to step mums , in rl I just don't see it , people seem to understand better thankfully.

Cavort Mon 10-Jun-13 12:40:49

I completely agree Fenton. I steer clear of the SP boards for the sake of my sanity. It would be much better if only SP's commented on other SP's posts. Those who have actually walked a mile in our shoes are the only people qualified to have an opinion.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Jun-13 12:46:37

Sad! I'm a step mum and struggle often, not because I'm a crap parent but juggling dsc's my own dcs, their new half sibling and all the associated exes and new partners is a difficult tightrope to walk. It's exhausting, often thankless and full of emotions which sometimes get too much. I would love to get support here but can't say how unbearably crap it sometimes is - for fear of being flamed by others who obviously have perfect lives may or may not be step parents themselves.

parttimer79 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:46:46

recently it seems intensified < this
I have only been posting for a few months but I've noticed a distinct change in tone.
I would happily take on board balanced advice from anyone, regardless of their step/or not status but it has started to feel like a witch hunt rather than an open and constructive exchange of views. sad

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 14:04:01

This is crap, as we speak another stepmother is being made to feel like a second rate, worthless piece of crap.

and all I can do is this {FentonHug™} - exactly why I need to step away.

sad

NatashaBee Mon 10-Jun-13 14:29:53

I should clarify... my 'applauds' comment was because I agreed with everything you said! Not the fact that you said you were planning to leave. I just re-read it and it didn't sound very nice.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 14:32:58

LoL Natasha!!

How very offended I was too !!!

grin

NatashaBee Mon 10-Jun-13 14:59:29

Sorry about that. I'm a stepmother too so well aware that my place is always in the wrong! grin

StillSlightlyCrumpled Mon 10-Jun-13 15:09:59

I dip in & out of MN as a whole nowadays anyway but particularly on the step-parenting boards as well as SN, mainly because I wholly object to being classed as all the same because we happen to have a step child etc. I actually think I step parent differently to quite a few on here, & had a few heated comments sent my way recently for putting forward a different point of view.

I 100% agree with the needing to vent, it is grossly unfair that unless you are the birth parent of a child you can't roll your eyes & moan about them - on an anonymous forum! My own children get on my bloody nerves a lot sometimes, as did my step children when they were younger.

Kaluki Mon 10-Jun-13 15:10:18

Ah Fenton what a shame - although I completely understand why.
The latest batch of SM haters are a particularly nasty bunch.
I have developed the hide of a rhino so most of the nasty stuff bounces off me but I hate to think of first time posters having to take all that shit from women who have no bloody idea what life as a SM is like.
I'll keep n eye out for you when I am lurking on the other boards!
wine here's to step mums everywhere!!!

littlediamond33 Mon 10-Jun-13 16:49:52

I agree with op.i am a step mum who more often than not finds it tough going.i posted on mn to ask for advice.The replies i got were sooo un-friendly and almost nasty.no help at all.i read the step parenting mn forum but do not post anymore sad

Don't know anything about it but sorry to see you go.

Argh, sorry, that came up in Active and I assumed it was in flouncer's corner. Sorry.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 16:55:49

It's the thought that counts LRD, thank you smile

I should stop posting on here soon actually because although I have now hidden SPing, this is still on threads I'm on.

Must not click. Must not click..

Timeforabiscuit Mon 10-Jun-13 17:03:12

Not a step parent - but have nothing but admiration for anyone in a step parent role - No real rights, no real say, head bitten off at the slightest provocation and to top it off you usually get handed the shitty end of the childcare stick.

and if you can't moan on an anonymous web forum where the blardy heck can you?

and I only got an appreciation for this on here by people discussing it.

Timeforabiscuit Mon 10-Jun-13 17:04:01

and now for that thread on the use of commas...

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