Stepson problems :s from a custodial pregnant Step mum(4 Posts)
Long story short-my husband got full residency of his son in Oct 2011-aged 5, his mother no longer wanted to be his primary carer, had thrown him across his bedroom and kicked the door off its hinges in a temper, has a criminal record, has borderline personality disorder and is generally a nightmare. So husband and I have since settled him in, bought a house, been on holidays and are now expecting our first baby in 2 months! so all going really well, he stays at his grandparents every other Saturday for the night where his Mother has contact with him. But......
Last week during half term we had an incident-he goes to a local childcare provider as we both work mon-fri (family help too) now this child is very quiet and can easily play with toys and other children all day long but last week he got cross and threw a rock near some children playing, after being told off and warned (he obviously knew this was out of order anyway, he is very intelligent) an hour later he threw a big rock onto a teepee children were playing in which hit a child in the forehead, he said they'd annoyed him :s -he had a telling off from my husband and the following day came to work with me at my office as punishment (boring) and then went off to his grandparents for 3 nights.
He has come back yesterday with an attitude problem, he didn't even crack a smile when we picked him up-when we've asked him whats wrong he said he didn't want to come home to us he wanted to stay there-he wants to live back there with his Mum! Keep in mind his Mother is very jealous and bitter-cant stand that we are having a baby and very manipulative to her whole family, she doesn't work, currently lives in a 1 bed flat, drinks alot and has an older boyfriend who has been to prison :s we have no idea what kind of poison she may be feeding him. He also said thats the reason he's been misbehaving-because he's not happy and wants to live there. He said that he has felt this was since X-mas which on reflection is when we actually started to see a change in his attitude towards having been down there doing as he pleases and being spoilt for a week.
My husband is very upset and angry, this has come as a shock as Stepson is 7 in a couple weeks, he's been with us for nearly 2 years and has never once cried for her, asked for her or said he misses her. We have done everything in our power to provide a loving safe home for him with structure and discipline (something they don't do when he visits) My husband has taken this very personally and thinks we've failed-I don't think we have I just think SS thinks the grass is greener. Also, I don't think she wants him back anyway-she's never mentioned it EVER?!
So question is-what to do now?
What age can a child decide in the UK?
Should we consider his feelings and him moving back to her?
Should we be worried about jealousy towards the baby?
do we tell his Mother?
how do we deal with her rejecting him again ? (very likely if he was to tell her this ie: excuses-I'm ill, or I have no room)
does this sound like the start of bigger problems with him and his behavior?
Any advice will be greatly appreciated as I'm sure there are people out there with similar issues.
Many Thanks in advance.
Wanted to show solidarity. DH has had dsd full time since she was very small. She has had regular contact with mum but not lived there since. She has had a string of awful boyfriends, never anywhere stable to live, and just generally does not understand how to parent.
I am now 38 weeks pregnant. In the last couple of years, we have got married, got pg and bought a house.
Dsd is 8. She also makes noises now about living with mum. Mum cannot and I don't think would want to have her back, but will still every so often tell dsd that she will be back with mummy soon.
It is hurtful, but understand that it is a natural reaction I feel to the perceived rejection the child will feel from mum, but also, I think there is a big element of novelty - we have rules, boundaries and discipline. She does not have this at mums, can go to bed when likes, do what she likes etc etc.
Don't take it personally. It is natural. Just keep firm, loving, and understand that the new baby will also make things difficult.
Feel free to pm if you want to chat x
It may be that he is feeling unsettled with the new baby on the way. This is very common and particularly so in children that have suffered trauma.
Try hard not to take this personally. My DS has been with us since he was 8 weeks old, from a neglectful and abusive mother.
He is now 10 (but acts a lot younger due to his SN). he tells us regularly that he wants to live with his other mum.
Its his way of expressing his anger and frustration.
I do think its just generally unsettledness making him act up and he has figured out the most hurtful way up dhow it that he could.
Not sure of the legal side but I find it hard to believe a court would let a child live in an unhealthy and damaging environment no matter how much the child wants to, especially if the child is in a safe, stable and happy home with his other natural parent.
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