Suggestions for dealing with ds being woken by dss

[FedupofTurkey]

Has anyone got ideas on how to deal with this.

My ds and I stay at my partners occasionally. Every morning my partners 2 youngest go into my ds' room and wake him up. I know its partly novelty at us being there, they like him etc. This is resulting in my usually happy ds being really tired and grumpy. Me and my partner have talked to the youngest dss' (5 and 8) and said they are not to go in the room if the door is shut, but it makes no difference they still do. They just don't need as much sleep as my ds (10). I guess its partly family life and my ds is used to quiet, but I feel for him he was sooo tired this morning. Any suggestions?

[Fenton]

How early are they waking him?

On the one hand if they are told not to and they go ahead anyway then it's a matter of discipline which your partner needs to deal with. On the other hand at 10 your son is a bit young for needing to sleep in later than the rest of the household (enough of that to come in the teen years) - is he going to bed very late?

[FedupofTurkey]

They're waking him at 6am. He generally ends up going to sleep later than normal when we're there as they're also difficult to settle at night, often they don't settle till 10 pm - apparently this is the norm, nothing to do with us being there and not for the want of my partner disciplining them. He also disciplines them when they wake my ds early but it makes no difference

[Fenton]

Perhaps you could tape a poster to his door to remind them that they're not to go in?

[FedupofTurkey]

Fenton - thanks, I've tried a do not disturb/enter sign! Its ignored

[FedupofTurkey]

Fenton - thanks, I've tried a do not disturb/enter sign! Its ignored

[NotaDisneyMum]

He also disciplines them when they wake my ds early but it makes no difference

Discipline is only discipline if its effective - your DP obviously isn't parenting effectively if his DCs are taking no notice of him.

[theredhen]

Exactly how are they being disciplined?

I had a very similar situation when my ds was 10 and I think your son should be allowed to get enough sleep wherever he is. Dss WANTS to play, ds NEEDS to sleep. In my opinion dsc wants shouldn't come before ds needs.

[Fenton]

I agree, if they're ignoring requests and signs that's just plain bad behaviour - at 5 and 8 they are old enough to know.

Incidentally mine are these ages and know not to disturb us (or DH I should say) early on a Sunday morning. They have a clock and know when to and when not to wake anyone !

[FedupofTurkey]

Redhen - by being told to go back to bed, which they do but the damage (ie, the lack of sleep) has already been done. I tell them every night when they go to bed not to wake my ds. What discipline would you suggest, open to ideas?!

[NotaDisneyMum]

Redhen - by being told to go back to bed

That's not discipline! In order to be effective, there needs to be a consequence for getting up early or not going to bed when told; preferably one linked to the behaviour.

So, DCs who get up early are too tired to go to the park, swimming, for a picnic and have to stay quietly resting at home - for instance.
Your DP will have to explain it to them in advance - and follow through while you and your DS go and have a fun day. It's a pain for the adults but very effective, so you shouldn't have too many weekend plans spoilt

[Fenton]

Consequences if they wake him (or ignore any direct instructions for that matter)

Like removal of belongings, no Telly/screen time. Or if they want to play with him, then take that away from them - if they wake him he'll not want to play with them, - but if they wait as asked then he will?

[Fenton]

Ah, x-post with NAMD

[theredhen]

Yes, it's consequences that are needed.

You make it clear to the kids in advance that if they wake DS the next morning, there will be a consequence and you spell it out exactly what that consequence will be. ie. not going to the cinema or whatever you had nice planned for that day.

Then you follow through - this is the most important bit. It might take a few attempts to get the message through, especially if they are used to being told off but with no follow up, but eventually it will work.

Do you think your DP can / will do this so that your DS can get the sleep he needs?

[suckmabigtoe]

if his children wake at 6am and cant be trusted not to disturb teh rest of the family then he needs to be getting up with them.

[suckmabigtoe]

i would also suggest you put your ds to bed earier than 10pm if he needs more sleep. it sounds like he has a room of his own there so it should be possible for him to go to bed earlier without making their rooms out of bounds to them.

[theredhen]

suckmabigtoe - my DP used to get up with his kids and they would all be slamming around, shouting etc and basically making it impossible for anyone else to sleep. I'm not sure that is really the answer. At their ages they should be able to manage to respect other people.

[suckmabigtoe]

"my DP used to get up with his kids and they would all be slamming around, shouting etc and basically making it impossible for anyone else to sleep. I'm not sure that is really the answer. At their ages they should be able to manage to respect other people."

well then your DP was missing the point entirely of getting up with his DCs. why was there slamming and shouting going on? why wasn't he either insisting they be quiet or taking them out of the house if other people were sleeping? that would have been respectful.

[theredhen]

Yes, exactly, he thought he was being responsible by getting up with them and not leaving them alone but the reality was, he was completely missing the point!

Eventually he did realise the error of his ways although he never disciplined in the way I would have liked. But he certainly understood where I was coming from in the end.

Problem has solved itself nowadays since most DSC became teenagers and now lie in. The youngest has been taught by ME to be quiet as I am often in the house without DP in the mornings now and I engineered her bedroom to be furthest away from DS when we moved house anyway.

[suckmabigtoe]

not really sure why your DP being slow on the uptake means my advice to OP wont work

[theredhen]

What I am saying is that just because the Dad gets up with the kids, doesn't mean they won't disturb the OP son.

If he gets up and prevents them from making a noise and waking OP son, then that is fine and I see no reason why it won't work if it is done properly.

It can also become very difficult to judge what is acceptable noise (door slamming, loud voices, crying etc) once they are up and about. If they are made to stay in their rooms and read, for example, it might stop all the "I didn't mean to wake DS" whilst they are blatantly slamming doors, dropping toys etc outside DS room, which was my experience.

[theredhen]

Oh and they all developed a loud cough at 6am but only outside DS bedroom door! {hmm}

[brdgrl]

Yep, definitely - there need to be consequences that are consistent and immediate, and calmly delivered. I think withdrawing a later activity might be less effective than the immediate taking away of a toy - but you might need to figure out what is the best 'currency'.

6 AM is not a reasonable hour, IMO.

(Funnily enough, this was recently raised in reverse on another thread here, about a teen who sleeps in late and prevents the room from being used during reasonable hours by the other room occupant. I think perhaps you need to agree - which you probably already do! - with DH as to what are 'quiet hours' in your home, and then enforce those.)

Not in agreement with idea that 10 year old should be made to go to bed earlier in order to be well-rested so that he can be awakened at 6 AM!!

[suckmabigtoe]

"What I am saying is that just because the Dad gets up with the kids, doesn't mean they won't disturb the OP son.

If he gets up and prevents them from making a noise and waking OP son, then that is fine and I see no reason why it won't work if it is done properly."

well i was hardly suggesting he get up and not do it properly was I? of course if he's going to get up with them he has to parent properly! otherwise what would be the point of him getting up if he's just going to sit there and watch them make noise? i dont know why you are missing my point- it's not a difficult one to understand.

brdgrl i wasn't saying OP should put her son to bed earlier so that he is able to get up at 6am.

OP said "He generally ends up going to sleep later than normal when we're there as they're also difficult to settle at night, often they don't settle till 10 pm "

implying that his bedtime is usually earlier than 10pm. i was suggesting OP continue to put him to bed at his normal time if he needs that sleep rather than keeping him up with the other dcs.

[FedupofTurkey]

Thanks for all your replies. To clarify my ds settle down time at a weekend is 9am which is adhered to, however due to the dss frequently coming out of their room it is impossible for my ds to settle down

[suckmabigtoe]

ok so same problem at night as the morning? they are just being loud and carrying on? your DP really needs to step up here if he wants you to continue staying there. what does he do when they come out of the room?