thank god its sunday

(182 Posts)
BabyHMummy Sun 02-Jun-13 12:41:25

I know its an awful thing to say but having had dsc's for over a week I am really ready for them to go home.

They have really pushed boundaries this week and for the first time ever dp has actually disciplined them so we have had the backlash to deal with too. Although he still let's them get away with talking to me like crap...he is starting to back me up when I tell them off for it though.

Am soooo glad i have 2 weeks before they are here again.

Not aided by being 29 weeks pg and having an awful tummy bug for last 3 days

tigerrose Tue 11-Jun-13 10:24:21

I know how you feel, sometimes I think the dad expects you to be their mum and to step in to her shoes but though you try, its a lot more effort to look after his children than your own, in part because they do not respect you as much and you have to maintain a boundry in regard to the disciplin and there is not that natural bond that you have with your own where you would go to the end of the world and back. Just hold on to the fact that you will have your own bundle of joy soon and he will have to step up and look after his children more when yours arrives. They may be slightly jealous and start trying to impress you as your attention will be elsewhere and start to be better behaved for you. If you are feeling that angry though perhaps it is the hormones? I hope that will subside does sound like the kids need some councelling.

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Jun-13 11:01:18

I am however tired and ready for them to go home

I know exactly how you feel OP. When DSD went back to her mum's yesterday you will probably understand how great that feeling was, knowing I can have a break and get my house tidy!

allnewtaketwo Wed 05-Jun-13 08:16:49

Suck your posts about SMs having choice to leave we're most certainly not restricted to DV households (adult or child). You're heavily backtracking there

VBisme Tue 04-Jun-13 22:40:06

Ha! I've wanted to lash out at most of my family members at some point, but I never have, because I have self control (as do most people). I am not about to walk out on them because they irritate me sometimes.

The op was venting, give her a break.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 22:33:08

You were not posting about being a parent who leaves a partner who "had thoughts" about smacking his/her children.

You were directing your comments at the stepmums who have chosen to be in a relationship with a man with children.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 22:32:21

I didn't say that. I said -
You see walking away from your family as an option. You think we should do the same.

the same = see walking away as an option.

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 22:31:39

brdgrl i'm completely aware of my own posts. i was pointing out that sometimes it is acceptable to split a family up for example if my children's step parent wanted to hit them. as opposed to the argument thrown at me that leaving was morally unacceptable.

i dont assume that OP was actually planning on hitting her stepchildren- i assume from her posts that she would like to.

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 22:28:40

i have no agenda here- i answer posts how i feel is right. like all other posters.

"you have said repeatedly that we should see leaving as an option. "

yep- that's different from saying you should leave your family.

i havent said anyone should abandon their families. please dont put words in my mouth.

VBisme Tue 04-Jun-13 22:28:37

Oh, I think I'm getting the back story here.

Suck you can't assume that the Op was actually planning on physically assaulting her step children.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is totally different from walking away from your family because you find them difficult to cope with sometimes.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 22:26:42

That was not your argument at all, suck. Revisit your own posts, please.

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 22:24:29

hmm, well you see if i was living with a person who had thoughts about smacking my children i'd feel it was my moral duty to end their contact with them and my relationship with them. i dont think that would make me morally deficient at all. ending a relationship and breaking up a family isn't always the worst option. or morally/socially unacceptable. so i disagree that it's a ridiculous argument.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 22:23:03

You're nasty, you're clearly here with an agenda, and you have been offensive and insulting.

quote where i said you should.
Um, you have said repeatedly that we should see leaving as an option. Are you backing down from that now?

in what way am i morally deficient?
Was I unclear? You see abandoning your family as an 'option'. You have suggested that stepmums who find themselves struggling, should leave, despite the damage it will cause to their families. You have the nerve to give out to stepmothers here about how they treat their stepchildren - and yet your solution is that they abandon the family. Yep, seems morally deficient to me.

And I think I've already addressed your third point.

VBisme Tue 04-Jun-13 22:20:26

It's a ridiculous argument, any course of action is an option that doesn't make it socially or morally acceptable.

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 22:11:47

"You see walking away from your family as an option"

it is an option

"You think we should do the same."

quote where i said you should.

"It seems to me that you're the one suffering from a moral deficit. "

in what way am i morally deficient?

"You're behaving appallingly on this board, suck. "

quote my appalling behaviour.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 22:08:22

You see walking away from your family as an option. You think we should do the same.

It seems to me that you're the one suffering from a moral deficit.

You're behaving appallingly on this board, suck. Why?

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 22:00:20

i agree- that is an option available to me if i think my dcs are more than i can cope with. what is your point?

VBisme Tue 04-Jun-13 21:53:20

In fact there's been a thread today about a mum wanting to give up.

Funnily enough no-one has yet suggested that she has an option to walk away.

brdgrl Tue 04-Jun-13 21:48:35

suck, I could just as easily say that you could give up being a mum to your own children. See, when things get tough, you could just put them into care and abandon your responsibilities. We all have the choice!

needaholidaynow Tue 04-Jun-13 12:36:22

I agree with Kaluki. There have been many times where I have thought about walking out on being a stepmum. Sometimes that option seems so wonderful and I often think how lovely it would be for it to be just me and my boys, but then again I would be destroying their life. I don't want them to have the same family set up as my DSD. I love them too much to break their family up for the sake of my DSD being here. And my poor DP, I love him so much, and I couldn't punish him like that for having a daughter before he met me. But I just have to suck it up! DSD has had two consistent figures in her life since her mum and dad split up, and that's me and her stepdad, so if one or both of us disappeared I think she would be affected and that is another thing to consider.

I'm not going to deny it though, to give up being a stepmum sounds lovely at times.

Kaluki Tue 04-Jun-13 11:53:12

I can't count the number of times I have dreamt about considered bailing out and not being a stepmum any more.
But the fallout from that would have been immense - for my own dc as well as the sdc. I would have been heartbroken to split from DP as would he, we would have had to move house, my dc love their stepsiblings so they would have been upset, not to mention putting all of them through another breakup.
At the end of the day we do have choices but when those choices mean hurting the very people we love the most, we make the unselfish choice to stay and face the problems for the good of the family as a whole.
For my part I am glad I stuck it out as things are improving and however bad things get DP and I are stronger together.

allnewtaketwo Tue 04-Jun-13 11:35:04

"in most cases contact arrangements seem reasoably amicable"

Fraumouse you're surely not do naive to think that SMs in amicable situations are the ones "venting" on here

suckmabigtoe Tue 04-Jun-13 09:42:16

"Am intrigued (or maybe I mean disgusted) by the view that step-mothering is a position I can siply choose to walk away from."

you can- whether you're willing to admit that here or not. you can. no-one is forcing you to be a SM.

"Then we're told that if we don't like how things are going in our own homes, we should end our relationship and leave. "

who said you should? i said it was an option available to you. just like it was an option available to me.

Stepmums have choices, of course we do. We can choose to tolerate abuse and disrespect from our stepkids (and from anonymous dickheads on the internet), or we can refuse.

"This is my family. I've a riight to build a family life in the way I see fit - just like you."

exactly my point. they way you see fit- meaning you have made a choice.

i dont understand this refusal to accept that you have got and have made choices to be where you are.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 04-Jun-13 07:19:00

frau or, presumably, those SM in which contact has been agreed unilaterally by the RP wink

FrauMoose Tue 04-Jun-13 07:14:33

Just coming back on the point raised above that 'choice' for a stepmother doesn't exist if the terms of the stepchildren's visits have been decided by the family courts.

Obviously that's true and even in informal situations smaller children in particular will benefit from a routine which shouldn't be messed around with. However I looked up to see whether there was any information on the idea that 'typically' the courts were involved. A very high proportion of my children and stepchildren's friends have separated parents with new partners, but in most cases contact arrangements seem reasoably amicable with family life having settled into new patterns. (Even if there are stresses behind the scenes.) According to a recent academic study:-

"Decisions about whether there should be contact and how much are typically made informally by parents, either acting together or unilaterally. Very few (10% or less) involve the courts (Blackwell and Dawe, 2003; Peacey and Hunt, 2008), even if they are not necessarily happy with the arrangements or are experiencing problems over contact"

That's a 2008 study for the Ministry of Justice by Oxford researchers.

So I do think it is step-parents in especially challenging situations who may find venting on Mumsnet extra helpful.

Xalla Tue 04-Jun-13 05:01:32

[you have a choice not to live in that house. you have a choice not to be a step mother. you have a choice not to be in a relationship with the father of the children in question. there are always choices- although those who lean towards playing the victim card will deny it.]

That is beyond naïve. Do you know who I reckon would suffer the most if I did that? My DSD. Tempting as it is....

My DH is working away quite a bit at the moment which means DSD is spending whole weeks away from our home. A couple of weeks ago I had 8 nights without DH and without DSD. It was utter bliss - I was appalled with myself for thinking it but it was honestly the most contented week I've had in ages. I'd be lying if I didn't say, towards the end of the 8 nights, I started dreading them both coming back but it was a sentiment I pushed to the back of my mind because it isn't a route I'll allow myself to go down. There would be far too much in the way of ensuing devastation.

It seems to me that 90% of the frustration on the step-parenting boards stems from one of 2 issues; a)BPs leaving SPs to parent their children and b) BPs disneying their non-resident children.

The OP's is living with both issues. The answers lie with her DP.

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