So this is the scenario, how would you deal with it and/or your dh/dp (sorry it's a long one!)

(126 Posts)
K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:18:57

Right so here it is...

Dh has dss every school holiday and he was due to pick him up Tuesday morning just gone, early.

He drove 266 miles to dss home town and stayed with a mate over night. They ended up going out, he stayed up later than he should've, but got 6 or so hours sleep. He picks up dss Tuesday morning, and heads off approx 7:45am back home to me. With half hour or so he feels tired so pulls over into a service station on the motorway, parks up in the corner out the way of anyone, locks himself and dss in the car and explains to dss that because he is a but tired he just needs to rest his eyes ready for the long drive home. Dss has his ds and dh phone to occupy him for the 45 mins dh rests. Once awake, dh quickly runs into the service station, grabs a red bull and makes his way home and gets here safely.

Now, what is your judgement on my dh and his actions? Sensible for stopping to rest, or irresponsible and unsafe for resting with dss in the car.

Dh ex went absolutely ballistic saying he was irresponsible, and now is refusing dh to have dss in the car with him. This has resulted in us having to pay for her fuel to come and pick him up. I was very reluctant to let dh give her the money, but all week she has given us grief, and has pummelled dss with phrases such as 'you're not safe with daddy in the car anymore' and 'you're never allowed to go to your dads ever again' which I also have has to answer questions from his to justify the reasoning for why his dad had a cat nap before the long journey.

tigerrose Mon 10-Jun-13 16:49:19

I think that if he knows he is going to drive with a 7 year old in the car the next day that he should not have gne out the night before!
some times men only think of themselves, he should have been aware that he may be over the limit if he had a drink and lack of sleep can effect your response times. very iresponsible! he did the right thing to stop as he had no option if he wanted to be safe on the road, it was the lesser of 2 evils. but he should not have gone out the night before - is he a teenager!?. being a mum I can understand the exes concerns but he shoudl still be able to see his child with the proviso does not happen again. sorry if this sounds harsh but thats how I see it

swingofthings Mon 10-Jun-13 15:40:01

I think it was totally irresponsible. 45 minutes alone in a car in some strange place. It's very surprising that the child didn't try to get out. You say that your DH was sleeping lightly. How could you possibly know that? Even he might have thought he was, but actually was snoring his nostrils out deep in sleep.

Whether he needs more than 6 hours or not is irrelevant. If he knew that 6 hours would mean he could drive safely the following day, then he shouldn't have gone to bed at the time he did.

The fact he lied to his ex shows that he knows he did wrong and of course, that made it even worse afterwards. Do you really not see how wrong his actions were?

*him home under the circumstances either!

Why should she be out of pocket doing something she hasn't planned for, but has been forced upon her?

I'm sorry to say, I'm not sure I believe your character assassination considering it only started when people weren't agreeing with you....

Hang on. The only reason she wants petrol money in this situation is because your dh can't be trusted to act like a responsible adult when driving his son.

I wouldn't let him bring j

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Jun-13 12:46:28

I think your DH was in the wrong though.

Staying up late boozing when you know that you have a long drive with your child in the morning is stupid.

Lying to the childs mum as to why you took so long to get home is stupid too.

I don't blame her for being annoyed.

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Jun-13 12:34:36

This scenario sounds familiar?

NotaDisneyMum Mon 03-Jun-13 12:01:36

k8tee Your posts imply that you see you and your DP as an equal team in your DSD life - you refer to we are controlled, and we do things.

Is that what your DP expects of you?

K8eee Mon 03-Jun-13 11:06:41

She's very controlling, sets out the rules, and we have no say on anything. We can't do right. We go to a school play; we sit in the wrong place. We ring the school to see how he's getting on; they tell us he's struggling, she tells us otherwise. Drives us both insane!

racmun Sun 02-Jun-13 20:56:54

Sounds like an excuse from the ex to cause trouble, was she looking for something to use as a reason? Who knows what she gets up to......

What does she actually want - to stop contact, to do all the driving, to make a fuss for the sake if it?

Is she very controlling?

My DH's ex is a nightmare and I mean a nightmare who tries to control everything- she assaulted me and got cautioned for it 9 weeks ago and we haven't seen dss since. Her doing not ours, poor dh has resigned himself that unless she wants us to have him she will make our lives unbearable and he's not prepared to risk her coming round here and attacking me. She won't even let dh speak to him on the phone - pathetic but true. There is a court order in place which she just ignores and despite going back to court 4 times nothing happens to her and dh is just exhausted with it all after 5 years.

Some parents will use their children anyway they can to control their ex and if they she is out of that mould then your dh may just have to live 'her' choices. Very very unfair

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:34:59

So he's exhausted through work but he stayed up until midnight the night before an early start and a long drive. That's worse.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:34:20

Ok ok....I will stick to telling you she cannot demand those terms.
See a solicitor.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:33:49

Your petrol money or her petrol money. What's the difference?

Ok, but surely even you can see that having to nap so soon after starting a journey is a bit odd, can't you?

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:32:39

I'm just saying - don't be so certain that it's all her innate evil at play here.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:31:52

Adults know how much sleep they need. I don't need much and I can drink like a fish and feel fine the next morning but I wouldn't in a million years go out drinking the night before a 250 mile car journey, especially not with a child. My mother lives a similar distance and I take my dcs up regularly. I always make sure I get a good nights sleep the night before because I don't want to be one of those arseholes who falls asleep at the wheel and ruins peoples lives. I know we are all used to driving all over the place but cars are lethal in the hands of tired people. I would doubt he was on top form after a cat nap and a can of red bull. I think he created a situation where he was too tired to drive and he ploughed ahead without a thought for his 6 yo ds and all the other people on the road. I would be furious.

I hate seeing anyone get a slating OP, but I don't think you have, although you see quite happy to slate your dps ex.

There are always two sides to every story, I'm sure the ex has over reacted, but I also think your dp has not been quite honest with the truth either.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 19:29:31

Hang on, hang on. I need to correct you all too!

She has never been his wife
He didn't move 100's of miles away, she did
Tiredness was also more than likely brought on by the amount of work he has taken on, but ohhhh no, again you'll all think I'm just trying to yet again have blinkers on, well no I haven't and don't need them on as I know it's the god damn truth!

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:27:48

Fair dos OP.
I don't know what to advise you regarding the ex wife. She can't insist on those terms at all. You do not need to pay her to pick him up. If she wants to play at silly buggers then she can find the petrol money.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:24:42

It will suit him no end to have you lap up his version of events...but the facts speak for themselves.

He says that his ex wife is a heavy drinker, yet he left his son to it and moved hundreds of miles away.
When he does get to see his son, he is so hungover he needs to pull in at service station to sleep...despite declaring two pints and being tucked up in bed by the time the clock struck midnight.

Oh and he's got you thinking his ex should be grateful for this!! Three cheers for daddy!!

It's not your fault OP...you're just repeating what you've been told. I think if you spoke to his ex you'd hear a different story.

And he lies. Two pints and six hours my backside. He was sleeping in a service station ffs!

You can't trust a liar.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 19:12:01

Why should I bother, all I'm getting is a slating and I'm only after an opinion of the situation. All I've had is 'oh you're so naive, don't you realise?', 'Grow up' and being asked if I really want children with a man who has as much of a drink problem as his ex. He doesn't have a fu**ing drink problem, that's not what this was meant to be about. It's like a kids playground and people are making too many assumptions on my dh, and things are being twisted, exaggerated and escalated.

Feel free to slag me off, but I give up! So much for mumsnet being a place where you can get advice from people who have been in a similar situation

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:59:05

I would bet my last tenner that there is a lot more to this story from the view point of the mother. Honestly, op, can you hand on heart say he is a fab dad? He may well be but you haven't painted a great picture of him despite trying ever so hard to do so.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 02-Jun-13 18:47:12

No my dh didn't abandon his child for a heavy drinker. God no! Dss mother was a heavy drinker, unsure as of now as we don't know her social life.

k8 the point is, your DP left his relationship with a heavy drinker and left his DS in her care.

Not only that, he moved 100's of miles away, and isn't there for his DS should he need him.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 18:43:18

No one needs to stop in a service station for a sleep on 6 hours sleep and 2 pints OP. He's lying about how much he drank and what time he went to bed...and on that I'd stake my last tenner.

And his ex should be grateful should she? Grateful for what exactly? That her son's father bothers with him? Bow down to the prince of men people...and it was only a little nap.

You sound so naive OP...and I guess that's because you are.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 18:31:43

No my dh didn't abandon his child for a heavy drinker. God no! Dss mother was a heavy drinker, unsure as of now as we don't know her social life.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:13:06

I don't understand the grateful bit. I am sure you are not saying his mum should be grafetul to yoru dh seeing him every school holiday.

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