So this is the scenario, how would you deal with it and/or your dh/dp (sorry it's a long one!)

(126 Posts)
K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:18:57

Right so here it is...

Dh has dss every school holiday and he was due to pick him up Tuesday morning just gone, early.

He drove 266 miles to dss home town and stayed with a mate over night. They ended up going out, he stayed up later than he should've, but got 6 or so hours sleep. He picks up dss Tuesday morning, and heads off approx 7:45am back home to me. With half hour or so he feels tired so pulls over into a service station on the motorway, parks up in the corner out the way of anyone, locks himself and dss in the car and explains to dss that because he is a but tired he just needs to rest his eyes ready for the long drive home. Dss has his ds and dh phone to occupy him for the 45 mins dh rests. Once awake, dh quickly runs into the service station, grabs a red bull and makes his way home and gets here safely.

Now, what is your judgement on my dh and his actions? Sensible for stopping to rest, or irresponsible and unsafe for resting with dss in the car.

Dh ex went absolutely ballistic saying he was irresponsible, and now is refusing dh to have dss in the car with him. This has resulted in us having to pay for her fuel to come and pick him up. I was very reluctant to let dh give her the money, but all week she has given us grief, and has pummelled dss with phrases such as 'you're not safe with daddy in the car anymore' and 'you're never allowed to go to your dads ever again' which I also have has to answer questions from his to justify the reasoning for why his dad had a cat nap before the long journey.

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 09:40:52

The ex can demand petrol money because in her opinion your DH is not capable of getting him to and from hers safely. Therefore she is having to do an extra 1000 miles each time. (250 x4).

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 09:43:02

Bloody ridiculous if you ask me. It's not 1000 miles?! Where did that come from?

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 09:43:36

It was one trip down

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 09:46:16

No, in future I mean. Each time he comes to stay she will have to bring him (250m), get herself back (250m), then come and collect him (250m) and drive them both home (250m).

Kaluki Sun 02-Jun-13 09:46:50

Lucky he got home ok!
A catnap and a can of redbull is no substitute for a good nights sleep. What if there had been an accident - he would never have forgiven himself!
He was irresponsible and hopefully he's learnt his lesson.

Sh1ney Sun 02-Jun-13 09:50:54

I'm with you OP

He sensibly stopped and rested for a while. Why he was too tired is irrelevant ( unless of course he was hungover ). We are urged by the police to take a break if we are tired and rest before continuing.

Big fuss over nothing by the ex. Ok, it's maybe not ideal but he did the right thing

Petal02 Sun 02-Jun-13 09:58:52

I only asked about petrol money because, regardless of what did/did not happen (and we'll probably never know) I can't understand why some exes won't drive anywhere to facilitate access unless the man is paying.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:00:21

Op, who moved, your dh or the mother?

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 10:01:18

Well the fairest thing (before this happened) would be for them both to drive half way. I can see that the ex doesn't want the OP's DH driving DSS anywhere at the moment though and can totally see why.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:07:57

This is the thing she won't even meet half way sad and if she was to we would have to pay her expenses. This is why I would prefer to go and get him myself. Ok it's not a lot of money were giving her, but I'm very reluctant to let dh give it to her. It's our hard earned money, she should be able to manage her money better.

The living situation; she moved away first out of the home they lived together in and then dh and I moved into our own home.

He's sensible with his drink, and yes the late night isn't ideal. Come to think of it, I do remember an occasion where she had gone out for the night, we babysat and she had only had a couple of hours sleep and came out to pick him up. One rule for one, one for another hmm

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 10:11:18

You immediately lose all credibility by describing your DH looking after his own son as "babysitting".

financialwizard Sun 02-Jun-13 10:13:55

As 'parent with care' I don't drive my son down to my exh's when he wants contact, or pick him up. I also don't meet him half way. It isn't the money, it is time for me. They also live about the same distance. I work 5.5 days a week, my husband works 5/6 days a week or may not be here at all (works overseas a lot). My exh has more time than us so he accepts he has to do the picking up and dropping off.

The comment about managing money better is not exactly fair, she would not have felt the need to pick her son up if she did not feel like he was in danger.

Think how you would feel in her situation. I appreciate it is slightly over the top, but in reality you would probably feel the same if it was your child. Especially if there is bad feeling between your husband and his ex already.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:14:39

Are you kidding?! Sorry I'm a step parent still learning the ropes. I apologise, we had dss with us for the night in a hotel...

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:18:19

I meant who moved so far away.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 10:20:36

Ok well...your dh was not behaving responsibly in going out and having a tankful the night before, to the point where he had to stop the car and have a sleep. Of course he did the right thing in the circumstances, BUT he was stupid in creating those in the first place. I wouldn't go on and on about it, but if my dh did this he would fucking know about it! Rampant arseholery is what that is.

On the other hand your dh's ex does seem to be really punishing him for it.

Perhaps he drank too much when mattied to her, or was reckless/irresponsible in other ways. If his behaviour contributed significantly to the break up at all, she is not going to thank him for bringing it back into her or their son's life. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

Just a thought x

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:21:04

But I assume as you were in a hotel she was only close by and didn't have to drive hundreds of miles?
She is angry and reacting a little irrationally but you are coming across a little picky at her and this may well have wound her up some more. Good advice is to detach yourself and let your dh deal with it.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:21:25

Wizard I can see where you're coming from, but the times she allows us to pick him up are 9 times out of 10 weekends. That's our busiest time work wise (self employed in the leisure/hospitality industry) we accept we need to make effort to pick him up, that's not a problem but when she won't even meet half way and wants money, its grinds on me. We're not exactly well off, but manage to get by like every other household in the country in this economic climate.

The thing is I know how she works. She always kicks up a fuss about something, but by the time it comes down to the next kids holiday, she will be begging for us to have him which of course we will as we want him with us.

The bad feelings would be brushed under the carpet if it wasn't for her keep bringing their relationship up. She slates me and doesn't even know me, we've net a few times but are polite for dss sake. Ever since we've got together she's tried to split us up sad

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:22:53

The trouble is there is history between them and obviously not good history.

dignifiedsilence Sun 02-Jun-13 10:25:47

Yes he shouldn't of gone out the night before and he did the right thing pulling over so long as its lesson learnt then no harm done. However...his ex should not be calling the shots no way no how!! Not read the whole thread but how did she find out anyway?? IMHO his ex is acting like she is your OH's mother and not the mother of his child. She certainly should NOT being having a discussion with a 7 year old about Daddys suitability as a parent or driver or otherwise. I would get the train or bus before I would pass petrol money over. The woman is a control freak.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:35:15

Dignified she found out when dh said he was still driving and dss spoke to her whilst in the car diving and said his dad had to have a sleep.

Of course he's learnt his lesson, but its punishing their relationship (dh & dss)

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks she's going a bit OTT sad

We were a good 45 minute drive from where she lives. Drink driving is drink driving isn't it?

The breaking point for the relationship between the two of them was when dh couldn't stand her heavy drinking and control issues over him (dh mum dies of alcoholism so it was haunting him with the way his mum was when he was dss agesad)

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:37:35

Goodness, if she is such a heavy drinker then surely he should have gone for custody. I am amazed he is happy for his ds to live with her.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:38:11

And either he moved or he let her move hundreds of miles away.

DontmindifIdo Sun 02-Jun-13 10:40:14

dignified - the OP said her DSS told his mother what happened.

OP - I wouldn't offer her the petrol money, if she wants to come get DSS today, she can, or you will accompany your DP in driving DSS home so you can both share the driving. Her choice. If you know she's going ot be begging you to take him next holiday, then again, offer that.

Can I check as well, this friend your DP went out and got langered stayed up too late with, is this someone who was rather 'leading DP astray' during their marriage?

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:43:09

We've spoken with a solicitor and its difficult to prove that now she is a heavy drinker. We don't really have much ground to stand on. Both sides of our family don't live by us, all he dm family are within 15/20 minute drive. All the things we could use against her are so difficult to prove as its all emotions and wordssad I don't know if we would offer him a better living standard. A lot of friends and family have said we would, but were not sure what differences there are. Obviously we're married, and dss mum is a single parent. There has been bad family history with her direct family, not sure if that would go against her. The thing is, she threatened dss the other week with 'if you don't behave you can go and live with your dad!' sad He got very upset at this, but we think it might just be the abandonment idea of his mum not living with him. We have him back yesterday and all the night before and yesterday he was very quiet and not talking much. When dh asked him what was wrong he said he didn't want to go home sad

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:44:57

Dontmind, no not at all. Just an old uni friend who he has stayed in contact with and has always offered us a bed for the night if we ever go to visit.

Rainbow, she moved away initially. Our move wasn't any further than when she moved first.

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