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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Dss and his partner

31 replies

AuntyVirus · 27/05/2013 22:07

My dss partner gave birth to their first child together nearly 2 weeks ago , she has a daughter from a previous relationship.
Over the last week most of the happiness of becoming first time grandparents has been taken away from myself and his dad. ( I have posted about this in relationships ).
Over the last week she has invited us over several times see grandson only to be out when we got there or to tell dss when we knocked on door that she had changed her mind and to go away .
I am truly heartbroken and angry at the way we are being treat by them both . I understand that it is early days and that they are entitled to change there minds as to if we can visit or not .
My partner wants to phone dss tomorrow to see if we can visit and I don't want him to although I haven't told him this .
I don't want to get my hopes up of visiting grandson and the rest of the family only to be let down , or to create an awkward atmosphere at what should be a happy and enjoyable time .
I suppose what I want to know is I am I in the wrong for feeling like this but I feel like she is trying to push us away from grandson or is seeing how much messing about we will take .

OP posts:

Report

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 06:46

Is she always like this or is it just the first time mother bit- lots of MNetters are very weird about visitors at the start and 'police' them.

Stepmooster · 28/05/2013 06:47

Oh dear, hi OP, if I remember rightly when my DD was 2 weeks old I was still getting over the birth, my DD and I were still getting to grips with bfeeding. There were lots of tears, tantrums and chaos.

I wouldn't take it personally I think the only visitors I wanted to see were my side. Probably because my boob was hanging out, I looked like crap and DD would poo and vomit all over herself.

This isn't about you being first-time grandparents its about them coping with a newborn.

Please don't start WW3 over this, they probably have enough stress right now. Back-off a bit, take a deep breath and be patient. Maybe give them a week without getting in touch, let them make the first move.

If you push it too much and force a visit when they are not ready you're going to set yourself up for a MIL/DIL battle over the grandkids and possibly be seen as interfering.

I am pretty sure you'll see
Grandson soone enough.

civilfawlty · 28/05/2013 06:51

YOUR happiness at being a grand parent is being taken away from you? Really? She has just had a baby and is all over the place. Give her a break. This is NOT ABOUT YOU

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 06:53

I think you can see the problem OP! Unless you have general problems with her I wouldn't take it personally.

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 07:36

Hi thanks for replying yes she is always like this her first child does not see her father as Girlfriend dosent want her too. Ii understand that this sounds as though its all about me but its not. I know that it's early days and she is not her usual self so too speak
She is refusing to name dss on baby's birth certificate but has no valid reason , other than its her choice .
I just feel a little sad that it looks as though she is going to do exactly the same to us as she has done with her daughters father. Only his name is on her birth certificate so should she want to find her father and her extended family in years to come she at least have a name and somewhere to start . However our grandson will not .

OP posts:

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 07:42

Forgot to add I am not one for confrontation , and I certainly won't go to her house unannounced or un invited at anytime . I am know my place as a mother and a step mother .

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 08:26

I think that, sadly, you will have to take a step back- she is a young woman with problems.

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 08:45

I have always taken a step back . We have never gone to their house uninvited , this is why I don't want dp to ask . I want to wait until they are ready for us to visit .
Looking back at the wording of my op it looks as though I am only concerned about my own feelings which I can assure everyone it is not the case .
I am really concerned about girlfriend but there is nothing I can do to help until she asks .

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 09:36

I think you have to tell yourself that it isn't you- unfortunately I don't have any answers.

glasscompletelybroken · 28/05/2013 10:02

I think everyone is missing the point here. The OP's son is the father of this baby and his partner is refusing to acknowlegde this on the birth certificate. If the OP's son does not get this sorted out now it will be a long battle and possibly a long period of no contact in the future if they split up - particularly bearing in mind her other child does not have any contact with her father. This would not be in the childs interest and I would advise that your son seeks legal advice straight away.

As far as your involvement goes I know people will say it's nothing to do with you but I completely understand as I am a grandmother too. I think it is entirely in the childs interest to have a loving and involved extended family. It does seem that the mother is already giving out signs that she does not want this and this is a shame for all involved - including the child.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 10:18

The fact that the DSS is not on the birth certificate made me decide that she is a woman with problems- she clearly makes things about herself and not the DC. I don't think that there is much OP can do except get DSS to seek the legal advice.

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 11:13

Thank you for your replies , I got some great legal advice last week which I passed on to dss regarding the birth certificate but at the moment he is not too interested as in his words she is being nice to him.
I know there is nothing I can do other than to be there for dss if I am required .
I think this is the beginning of the end for all our families involvement with grandson .

OP posts:

Stepmooster · 28/05/2013 11:21

Hi OP has the birth been registered then? We had to wait for 5 weeks to register as they were too busy. Is DSS relating his concerns to you and your partner? Did he not go with her? Or if not happened yet can he not go with her?

How old are DSS and his GF? Have they been together long? Do they seem a happy/stable couple otherwise? Is marriage likely?

My DH ex likes to try and write out fathers from her childrens lives. DH was stepdad to the eldest, she changed their surname to his and they called him dad. As soon as the marriage was over she cut their contact immediately after 10 yrs. That hurt DH parents a lot. With respects to DH son, there is contact, but there is also a lot of maintenance he pays. DH now admits he shouldve run a mile instead of getting involved with his ex, especially as to how her first husband was treated.

I think if your DSS has concerns he needs proper legal advice.

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 11:49

Hi stepmooster
As far as I am aware the birth has not been registered . I think that she will go and do it while dss at work at let him know afterwards.
Dss does relay his fears to us and we help him as best we can whilst trying not to be biased . Girlfriend is 27 dss is 21, they have been together for just over 2 years. Her daughter calls dss daddy and has done from the beginning of relationship something I didn't agree with , but again not my place to pass judgement.
This is one of the reasons I feel so sad , her daughter can call dss daddy but I think his own son will not get the chance iykwim.
Marriage is very unlikely as this girl has asked dss to leave the house twice since baby was born , because he wanted to take his son downstairs to settle him she wants him there to help with daughter but not son .
This is like history repeating itself for dp and I , dss mother tried to stop contact when we met , I have been with dp 20 years so dss only knows our family dynamics as they are .
The only upside was dp got to enjoy first year of his sons life before she decided that dp was no good for dss even though they had split when he was a month old.
Dss has lived with us since he was 15 as mother and him weren't getting along .
I just don't understand how some people can deny their children a relationship with fathers grandparents aunts and uncles without a reason .

OP posts:

AuntyVirus · 29/05/2013 14:58

Girlfriend has asked dss to leave again, as he asked about the birth certificate. Girlfriend will not tell him when she is going to register him , but has said she will never stop dss seeing his son.
Obviously she knows that this relationship is not going to last .
This can't go on its not good for either child but dss seems reluctant to get courts or solicitors involved at the minute .
I think he is not wanting to upset her , incase she stops contact now. This is all so hard .

OP posts:

squeelybean · 29/05/2013 15:15

This makes me so sad as its so similar to Dh and his Ex. She did the same thing with the BC and refused to put him on it. He didnt even know his DS had been born until a week after as she had booted him out yet again. She ignored her phone and when he knocked on the door getting upset she phoned the police to have him removed which put the fear of God in him

Dh did the same thing, waiting patiently for her to become rational and he did everything not to rock the boat by not applying for his name to go on the BC because he didnt want to antagonise her anymore but it all backfired as she met another bloke within a couple of months, applied for CSA immediately and new bloke is now Daddy.

Dh was written out of his Ds life because he was too sodding terrified of making a bad situation worse. He didnt even demand a DNA test with the CSA involvement which could have made any court proceedings a tiny bit easier because she got nice again and allowed him contact twice. He also didnt want his DS knowing that his own father has questioned his parentage when he is old enough to understand.

He hasnt seen his Ds for nearly 9 years.

Your Dss is being played so i would try and encourage him to take a little bit of control because this relationship is not going to last. Court is not a cheap option so getting his name on the BC asap will give him PR and more of a chance if she doesnt change her mind about access in the future.

AuntyVirus · 29/05/2013 17:51

Thank you for sharing your experience squeely. Why do these women treat their children and their fathers like this .
Dss girlfriend has text me to tell me that she is not putting dss name on bc because it is a bad family name.
I have not replied , why has she chosen to be in a relationship with dss, have a baby and let her daughter call him daddy,, if this was really the case .

I have told dss that the way things are looking in a year or so there will be another man living with his girlfriend , and his son will be calling him daddy. Hopefully this might encourage him to have a bit of fight in him.

OP posts:

Stepmooster · 29/05/2013 22:35

I feel sorry for you OP and your DSS and DH. There is a lesson in all these situations we have witnessed and continue to live through.

I am going to try and teach my children how important fathers are for children. My mother tried to drive a wedge between us and it back-fired on her as I got older.

I am going to try and get my children to consider marriage before baby, if only for the legal rights it brings. Also I will warn them about partners seeking new daddies/mummies when a perfectly good one exists. By all means be an excellent stepparent but you can't change the facts stepkids already have parents.

Hope your DSS does fight for his son. I wish you all the best.

AuntyVirus · 29/05/2013 23:29

Your post has set me off crying again mooster.
Rightly or wrongly or told him about the struggle that we had with his mam and how it was all worth it , and no parent has the right to pick and choose when another parent can be involved in a child's life unless there is of course a risk to the child.

Dss said he is going to have one last attempt at talking to girlfriend into changing her mind about bc. I feel so angry that he is having to have this conversation with her . I don't hold out much hope I think her mind is already made up.

I think after the talk that dss has had with myself and his dad he is ready for the long fight that he has ahead of him .

OP posts:

Stepmooster · 30/05/2013 06:26

Oh no! I didn't mean to make you cry... Must keep thoughts to self...

May I offer you a and a hug as means of an apology.

AuntyVirus · 30/05/2013 07:36

Thank you , it dosent take much to set me off crying lately.
I hope that our other two children learn from this and they wait until they have been happily married for a few years before they start family.

We have a 15 year old son who had only seen his nephew on photos that we had taken, until yesterday when he was tagged in photographs on Facebook that girlfriends family and friends had put on . This has hurt me a little too, why isn't my son allowed to go meet him yet her brothers/ sisters can .

OP posts:

Fairy130389 · 30/05/2013 07:52

Dh and ex were only 19 when dsd was born. They had long since split up, and he was informed by text 2months before birth that she was pg and having it adopted. This changed, and she kept baby but refused to name dh on bc. He had to fight it, play the game, and went through a lot of shit in the early days. He did eventually get added to bc, was allowed (small, infrequent) contact, but stuck with it. We now have dsd full time and paternal gp's extremely involved. I can get better but he will need to fight an be strong. Xx

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AuntyVirus · 30/05/2013 08:01

Fairy thank you , your experience gives me hope although I do understand it can take years sadly.

Dss has been very involved throughout the pregnancy, he attended every midwife and hospital appointment . He was even there at birth . This is why I can't get my head around her decision. If he was not there for her and couldn't care less then I could understand ( not agree ) why she would do this .

OP posts:

AuntyVirus · 04/06/2013 14:10

Quick update , girlfriend has been and registered baby and left dss off bc.
Girlfriend has asked dss to move out of the house and to only visit children on a Thursday .
Where do we go from here ? .

OP posts:

Dumpylump · 04/06/2013 14:18

It is possible to re-register a birth, and there iis a procedure about what to do if one parent is not co-operating, but I think that your dss needs to get some legal advice as soon as possible.
He should apply for parental rights and responsibilities, and should get some information about how to proceed with regard to contact with his child.
I am so sorry that you are all in this position, it must be awful for you.

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