Helo!! Am I the bad one in all this, just need some advice and support.

(31 Posts)
louise35 Mon 27-May-13 19:04:18

I POSTED THIS IN THE GENERAL CHAT SECTION AND WAS REDIRECTED HERE.
Okay, sorry Mum's not been here in a while but thought I would ask some advice. I've been in a new relationship now since 2008, moved in with him in 2009. Let's just say he was not well when I met him but I accepted him warts and all, including his kids, two girls. The eldest was 16 when I met her, not his biologically but he took her on when she was 1 so she calls him Dad. She was living with him on the days she was here at college, the other days she was at her Mum's. All I can say is that I tried with her but she seemed to resent me for becoming the "alpha" female in the house, doing the cooking, washing up etc. She would come down in the morning when I was getting ready for work, scuttle into the bathroom then scuttle back upstairs until I left. I tolerated this as I understood the situation. If ever I commenting to him about her behaviour he would think I was over reacting. Anyway she is at Uni now so that's not the issue. The issue is is 10 year old bio daughter who is showing "mini wife" signs and has been doing for a few years. He split up with her Mum before she was born and he has felt guilt ever since and has compensated by devoting every second of his time to her. When I first moved here on here weekends here she would cling to him and literally shove me out of the way if I was so much as walking next to him. Something which I mentioned briefly and was quickly cut down. I have given her all the time with her dad that she wants and when I first came here she did genuinely love me and used to follow me around the house, but I was once shot down by him after I cuddled her, she basically ran to me on holiday when he smacked her and I was told NOT TO PARENT HIS CHILD. She has since witnessed a few arguments between us (mainly his doing) and every time this happens it's like she sees me as the enemy or the devil. About two years ago when she was 8 this strange behavior started and she would no longer be in the same room as me on her own, if her dad left the room she would follow, basically shadowing him everywhere he went. Something I made no big issue about, but over time it's started to eat away at me, there have been times where I have cooked her a lovely meal and she has looked at her dad and said "thank you Daddy". She will kiss him goodnight and come and give me a strange sort of cuddle but turn her face away if I try to kiss her as if I am repulsive in some way. I have never once spoken sternly, or even shouted at his children but yet why have they disliked me? My daughter on the other hand has been called all the names under the sun by him for the last few years and yet still forgives him. My own Daughter has now gone to live temporarily with her friend as she has had a mini breakdown because of the pressure I have put on her to keep her room clean, keep up with college work etc, all to keep him happy as it's his house. I am at my wit's end, his Daughter is constantly spying on me, peeping around doors then running away when she hears me coming. Her Mum is a complete fruitloop and I am beginning to wonder if she has had something to do with this, ie telling her not to bond with me as I would imagine she could not bear the thought of us being a "happy family" even though she is remarried. My makeup has been going missing, and I have been finding it in his Daughter's room, I never say anything I just take it back, better not to cause trouble. Anyway the things I have told are just a small part of it, I am now at a stage where I have disengaged with my stepdaughter completely and spend her weekends here in my bedroom doing my own thing, and letting them have father/daughter time, something which he preaches on so much about. I won't go into details but I would not consider him to be a good Father, the last two nights he has had her up until gone 2am while they snuggle on the sofa. Is this normal? She is constantly touching him in my presence and grabbing his arm and heaven forbid me and him try to have a conversation without her interrupting with "Dad, Dad, Dad" constantly. I am not the jealous type so it's not about him showing her attention, because he needs to be a dad first, but the fact that I am allowing him all the time he needs with her, and for her still to be reacting in a negative way towardsw me makes my mind boggle. I just need some advice for anyone who has gone through a similar thing.

louise35 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:40:21

I hate him, I hate his nasty manipulative ex, and the nasty manipulative lying games playing offspring that they have produced between them. I hope they all rot. I know saying these things is terrible but I have faith in the decent person that I am and hope that one day the truth of this vile situatlion will out.

theredhen Sat 20-Jul-13 05:53:50

£10000 is fantastic! Please don't expect any more, new handbags or not.

You will survive and you can access a sorts of debt counselling to help you.

Don't be afraid to say no to your daughter. Start holding your head up high and being the strong person you are. Start believing in yourself. You can choose not to be a victim.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 20-Jul-13 14:01:36

Have you moved away from this man?

Your parents are giving you £10000 and you don't think you can afford to move out?? You do realise that women with so much less than that manage every day don't you?

Just leave. How you've stood it all this long is beyond me.

Helpforthehopeless Tue 30-Jul-13 22:37:30

How are you now Louise35? The smooching on the sofa between your dh and dsd sounds just like my dp and dsd, so it helps me to know I'm not the only one feeling like the "other woman". The "dad, dad, dad" whenever I try to speak to my dp in her presence is the same too. She's 17, acts like a 5 year old sometimes! Comes with us everywhere whenever she can. You will be better on your own, at least you'll get some peace anyway! Good luck. x

emilyeggs Wed 31-Jul-13 22:54:29

Louise35 hope you and your dd are well x

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