Bit of background:
DH and ex split when dsd was a baby. I met him web she was 3. DH has been a fully involved parent, always supported financially, seen her regularly, she's been on family holidays with us, had a bedroom of her own at our house, he's been to doctors, dentists, school meetings, has a good relationship with ex and they have tried hard (with the support of me and ex's partner) to parent together and resolve issues out of earshot of dsd. As much as a nrp can be, he has been fully involved in her life.
Dsd struggled academically but with support and hard work, achieved Cs in her GCSEs and is currently finishing a level 3 diploma and an A level. Her chosen field is creative rather than academic. She wasn't sure about university but then changed her mind 18 months ago. We worried that it was because her boyfriend was going and she picked the same uni. Mum also has a new partner that she doesn't get on with and we thought this was also influencing her, she saw it as a way to leave home. She has always been quite immature and we felt she'd benefit from a Third year at college (foundation) before moving on. She didn't agree. We discussed it at length and agreed to support her decision. She applied and got a place on her chosen course (vocational degree) at her chosen uni (same as boyfriend). She also began to show better levels of maturity, more drive and ambition and really seemed to want to do it for herself. DH was so proud of her.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She splits with bf (amicably) and is still keen on uni. Last week she chose her halls and DH had agreed to go down and sit with her and ex and work out finances/ fill in forms etc.
Ex has seemed reluctant all along. Saying she doesn't think dsd will go ( I think she's worried about the student debt).
So yesterday, I phone ex for another reason and dsd answers, she casually informs me that 1. She has a new boyfriend and 2. She's not going to uni anymore.
She says she'll work and get an apprenticeship in her chosen field (like gold dust, particularly in her area) and that her mum has said she'll write a letter to the council stating that she can't live at home so that she can get a council flat.
I asked if she'd told her dad (DH is working away) Sje said no and I suggested she phone him. She agreed she would. When I spoke to DH at 10pm she hasn't phoned and I told him what she'd said. He was so angry and upset that he was almost crying. He said he felt she was throwing her life away for a bf ( she won't say this is te reason and I suspect her mum has had an influence), that she had a fantastic opportunity and was good to end up living hand to mouth in a flat and old before her time. He also said he felt she'd deceived him by all the talk of doing uni for herself and not the first bf. He said he'd done with her and didn't want to see her again (I know this was heat of the moment and he doesn't mean it but I persuaded him not to phone or text her last night just in case he said something he regretted). He is also angry with ex's influence. I pointed out that if it is really something she doesn't want she can't be forced and she is 18 and has to find her own way but I do understand his upset. He said if she'd said 18 months ago that uni wasn't her, he'd have said ok, let's look at your options then and helped her to find out what she wanted. The fact that up to last week she was insistent makes him think it is all about the bf and her mum has given her another way to leave home (although how realistic the council flat plan is, I don't know)
Anyway, I want to support DH but I also want him to at least listen to dsd and maintain the good relationship he has worked so hard to achieve. How do I not sound like I'm defending dsd and ex but also try to calm him and how do I support him without condemning dad or fanning the flames?
Sorry that was loooooooong.
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DH really upset with dsd
23 replies
Barbarashop · 23/05/2013 09:36
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