Feeling so isolated on a weekend :-(

[CrumblingHelp]

DP has his kids over every saturday night, they're 16 and 18 and really don't want much to do with me which is fine at their age but it's getting to the point where I feel like an intruder in my own home every saturday. They take over the living room watching movies with DP with a few cans of lager. Yeah I can join in but it's made obvious that I'm not really wanted. Even DP acts like he'd rather I didn't "intrude" on their time. He never says that and he's never nasty or disrespectful but it's the body language. If I go and sit next to him on the sofa, one of the lads (eldest usually) does a little sigh and DP looks all nervous and makes it obvious he'd rather I just piss off. Last weekend I was so bored so went to join them in the living room. Eldest decided he was no longer into the film and buggered off upstairs and DP actually moved away from me to sit with the 16 year old. I felt awful.

So i spend every Saturday evening/night wandering around the house, sit in the bedroom on the laptop, sit in the garden if it's nice (but if it's nice they're usually out there so again I'm intruding) if they're going on a sunday drive I'm asked along but it's made obvious by all three of them that they'd much rather be alone.

I thought it would be ok, it's only once a week but god I feel so lonely. Last night they were all sat watching TV, I sat by myself in the other room and the dog came over and sat with me and I actually felt a tear fall down my cheek - a room full of "family" and only the dog wants anything to do with me.

[Yonihadtoask]

Oh OP. That does sound a bit rubbish.

How long have you been together?

I am a SM too, the DSC are 13 and 16 - but we have been involved for 7 years now - so it's slightly different maybe?

I do sometimes feel a bit out of place - and go off and do my own thing. Although the eldest usually spends a lot of time in his own room - or the other downstairs reception room. My own DS spends ALL of his time in his own room.

DP needs to man up a bit and support you in this. Does heknow how you feel? Have you discussed it?

It's okay to feel a bit odd being in a step family - it's not normal, and very rarely does everyone just get on lke the Brady Bunch. But you have to air your grievances or else nothing will ever get resolved.

I would hope that the SC will soon be out every Saturday evening anyway? At that age I certainly wasn't sitting home with my parents watching tv..?

[purpleroses]

I used to feel very much like that when I first started spending time round DP's house - he and the DCS had firm routines, kinds of films they watched, and places they sat on the sofa and I was in the way.

It has got gradually better. A mixture of things have helped. Sometimes I declare that I'd like to watch XX on TV that evening - and they can join me or not. Usually some will at least. More often I let them choose still, and only join them if it's actually a film I want to see. If not I go out with friends, sit upstairs and read a book or spend the evening on the phone or on MN.

I also asked DP if he could try and instigate a teenager bedtime that was at least half an hour before ours. Oldest is 15 here, so this may be a little harder for you - but the idea is that they don't necessarily have to go to sleep but at 10pm but they are expected to go to their rooms and we have half an hour or so together downstairs without kids. This helps me a lot, as I feel that DP and I are the adults in the house and we have a little time to chat.

In terms of the Sunday drive - is it worth talking to your DP about what both of you expect in terms of how much you do together? I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do it really - him going off on a drive with his DCs isn't out of order. But nor is it wrong of you to want to be included in some of you DP's weekend leisure time. It helped us to be more explicit about what we want to do on the weekend and spell out when we want time with our own DCS/own friends/together and work out a compromise.

Your DP may be struggling a bit too to work out how to fit you into the dynamic and routines he already has with his DCs.

[breaktheroutine]

Are they not showing any signs of having something better to do than hand out with dad on a Saturday evening?

[CrumblingHelp]

Well eldest did show signs of wanting to make the weekend access less formal - he got himself a girlfriend and was staying at her house a lot. A couple of weekends he tried to avoid coming to us saying he was staying at his girlfriend's house etc but DP quickly put a stop to that by going in a grump, laying a bit of guilt on the lad saying he hardly see's him as it is and the lad stopped planning stuff on weekends as a result. He's since mentioned that he'd like a weekend job (which DP again tried to discourage!!) and then even said he'd like to work away from home when he finishes college - like, miles and miles away from home - DP has since gone on and on about why that's a bad idea.

It's DP that babies him. Earlier he referred to the lads as his "munchies" and he always talks about them as if they're small kids.

He wouldn't agree to the bedtime thing - I know without even asking him (as I've suggested similar before). His reasoning is that he hardly see's his kids yet spends every night in the week with me.

[whilewildeisonmine]

I could have written your OP. I'm in exactly the same situation except DSSs are younger.

[purpleroses]

Oh dear :(

At 16 and 18 I think your DP is going to be fighting a losing battle. Does he really want his DCs to be visiting out of guilt? That's a real shame if they are handicapped in getting on with their own lives because they need to be with their dad every Saturday night. Shouldn't parenting be about supporting your DC to grow into an independent adult, not holding them back because you're needy yourself?

Guess from your point of view though, it will likely resolve itself in time, as they probably will form lives of their own at some point whether your DP likes it or not. Doesn't sound like there's much of a role for you in the family unit he's trying desperately to cling onto until then.

[breaktheroutine]

Fwiw, my DSSs are still glued to their father during access, despite eldest being 17. They do the same all on the sofa playing Xbox or watching shit films stuff. DH wonders why I don't just join in but I get exactly what you mean, it's very isolating. They have no lives outside home either. Very stifling. You have my sympathies.

Could you organise a "date" with DH on a Sat eve? Would he go out with you if you booked a restaurant?

[Yonihadtoask]

We go out sometimes and leave the DC/DSC at home alone. They are old enough.

I think DP is causing some of the issues here- in not including you as part of the household.

Hang in there - it's bound to get better.

[PollyLogos]

How long have you been together and how long has he been separated from their mum?

If he's been separated for several years (eg) and they have built up this routinue and you are fairly new on the scene I suppose they find it difficult to a) change their habits and b) add you into the mix.

I actually think that your dp is not doing anybody any favours by guilt triping his children into staying in with him every Saturday night and all day Sunday. You need to be proactive and get the kids onboard. Why don't you suggest they invite some of their friends round/suggest all going out together to cinema, meal or something. Apart from anything else this sounds very boring for two near adults.

[breaktheroutine]

Polly do we know that their father is "guilt tripping" them into staying every week?

[purpleroses]

A couple of weekends he tried to avoid coming to us saying he was staying at his girlfriend's house etc but DP quickly put a stop to that by going in a grump, laying a bit of guilt on the lad saying he hardly see's him as it is and the lad stopped planning stuff on weekends as a result.

Sounds like guilt-tripping to me.

[Secretlifeofplants]

Dh had no problem going on dates with me when it didn't impact on contact days. My ds was happily left to his own devices at 12 ish. Now that dss is also over 12, dh will somewhat reluctantly go out with me, dss is however in the company of ds 15.
There were always double standards and always will be. His kids are more precious to him, obviously, but he still does not fully appreciate how stifling this over protectiveness is on especially dss development (clingy, Billy no mates...).

[PollyLogos]

Thanks purpleroses! That is the bit that I thought sounded like guilt tripping.

I have to say I'm surprised these teenagers haven't put their their feet down and tried to become more independant at weekends!

[breaktheroutine]

Ah, I didn't see that bit.
Then the problem seems totally with your DH. He pretty much forces you out of the family on a weekly basis to make these teenagers behave like much smaller children staying in with dad every weekend. I wouldn't put up with that.

[brdgrl]

FWIW, in my own experience, not all teenagers can't wait to get away from their parents...my own DSCs are, each in their own way, happier to stay home at weekends. (I see this repeated a lot on mumsnet - "by the time they are teens, you will never see your kids, they'll be out every chance they get..." - just doesn't seem to be a universal truth.)

I think your DP is treating you quite shabbily, and in your shoes I would be telling him so. Lots of us have had that feeling of being isolated in our own home, or of having to 'hide out' - what you describe is particularly bad because your DP is so complicit in it. The kids are old enough to be put straight when they are rude, too.

[Jan45]

You have two choices here, you either man up and tell your OP how he is making you feel cos it's more his fault that the kids or you plan to be busy on Saturdays at least, meet up with a girlfriend for lunch or early dinner, use it as an excuse to do your own thing, whatever that may be, don't stay at home bored and feeling unwanted, find something better to do.

[Petal02]

FWIW, in my own experience, not all teenagers can?t wait to get away from their parents ?.. I see this repeated a lot on mumsnet ?by the time they are teens you will never see your kids, they?ll be out every chance they get? ? doesn?t seem to be the universal truth

Very true brdgrl. DSS will be 19 in September and his ?ideal? evening, is an evening spent at home with his Dad. If he wasn?t starting Uni in September, it would be hard to see a point when this would change.

[theredhen]

Yep my 17 yr old dsd doesn't go out either.

She's too busy criticising her "friends" and talking about how she is "better" than them whilst sulking at home all weekend.

Only wants to look at local universities, encouraged by her father,and, I suspect, her mother.

Regularly asks us what she is doing for the weekend instead of making any plans for herself. Goes back to mums and tells "tales" on us creating an even worse relationship between her parents.

But what can a step parent do? If her parents don't care that she has no positive social life, that she can't get along with other people and accept other people for who they are, then I guess I just detach.

[louise35]

Just to let you know that it exactly how I feel right now, you are not alone.

[Veryunsure]

Sounds like you are having a shit time of it, If it were me I would be telling my dp that this is also my home, I contribute and I am here every night that I will not be made to feel like an intruder in my own home and if he feels having me at home on a sat night is too much of an invasion then i'd suggest he took them out.

He should be setting the example and including you so his kids can get to know you better and see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time together as a blended family. I would be so annoyed if my dh did this to me.

You have to wonder what the dcs social skills are like if they feel it's ok to purposely make another feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. I would also be telling the dcs that you are aware they they seem unhappy with your presence but this is your home too and you would very much like to share it.

I find it unbelievable that he would treat you this way then come sunday through friday be the loving dp. It's unfair and makes you feel like shit.

I hope you're able to speak to him and I really hope that saturday will be better.

I realise that not everyone is as gobby forthright as me, so you have to do what is right for you and your happiness.

[Princessjonsie]

My DSD doesn't visit every weekend ( he would if we didn't live 400 miles away) but he does come for two weeks each year and when ever he can. I know what you mean about being a stranger in your own home. I cook home cooked meals each night and then his dad and him go off and chat outside or play on computer together leaving me with all the work. He hates us going out as a family and try's to get in between us when ever we can. If we go for a walk he has to walk beside his dad with me walking behind or in the middle of the two of us. He refuses to join in family time and only wants his dad. I have talked to him dad about this and he does now recognise it and see what is happening. He said he never noticed until it was pointed out. It still happens but hubby try's now. I try and encourage smaller visits but more often so I can visit family for a week or encourage hubby to visit him so they can be alone. Try that. When they come in a Saturday go out with friend and leave them to it. Your partner will soon be so worried what your up to he may address his kids attitude

[Princessjonsie]

Forgot to mention my DSS is 21

[Petal02]

Princess, I think it's VERY unhealthy that a 21 yr old male does the 'cling to Daddy' act .......

[Feelingbetterbyfar]

Not very unusual though. My dss, 12 going on 13, finds it difficult to make friends. His dad is the same, but his mother told him he was superior to the other kids and now is passing this nugget of wisdom on to his son... They would rather curl up on sofa together watching nerdy films I would rather not see, and have just planned a trip to the cinema as both are billy-no-mates who support each other in this role. I'd prefer dh to help dss sort out his social skills for long term benefits.
We do have adult date nights, but only if they don't interfere with dcs visits... Otherwise I too can look for alternative entertainment...
I would look for friends to share your interests and see them regularly, not just when dsc are there, let dh know what it feels like to be left out. My dh gets quite jealous when I've got plans of my own and becomes way more eager to include me! Good luck.